A Customer Service Agent’s State-by-State Review of Callers From Every Corner of the USA
Two days into quitting smoking I feel pretty awesome. Yesterday I had a 11 and a half hour day at the office and survived without a cigarette. Today, at the end of my shift, I got in my car to leave and it wouldn’t start. I think that it was karma for (accidentally) screwing all of the people that I “helped” over the phone this week. On a side note, I’m beginning to think that I might be the ideal government employee: I am more that willing to hide behind the rule book, I’m always on time because I don’t have anything better to do than work, I part my hair on the left (like a BAWSE), my friendliness to incompetence ratio is ELITE, my short term memory is shot to hell, I’m good at making shit up and being convincing, I never bother my supervisors or let customers talk to them, I speak 3 languages and I’m workin’ on my Haitian Creole, and most importantly (for whatever fucking reason) old people love my bullshit no matter how stupid or corny it gets. And oh man does it get stupid and corny. I’ve learned that no matter how mad somebody gets if you just say “thank you and God bless ya, sir/ma’am, you have a great day” in a Southern accent to end the conversation then they will immediately change their tune and wish you a heartfelt and sincere “good day”. It might be a little bit of Civil War hangover because for whatever fucking reason the South can’t get over that we took the most epic fucking dump in history on them and did God’s work by freeing the slaves and then raping and pillaging the shit out of the Confederacy (USA! USA! USA!!! IN YOUR FUCKING FACE!!!) but seriously, if you work in a call center then definitely talk as much as possible in a Southern accent because it makes everybody be nicer to you. Particularly Southern people and faux-Southerners (literally everybody who doesn’t live in New York and New England) because they get butthurt about everything and don’t understand basic phone manners or how to engage in verbal communication with another human being. But it’s not just the Southerners and Rust Belt troglodytes who are fucking terrible to talk to, oh no, every state and region in America has its own particularly distasteful brand of awfulness. Allow me to give you a state-by-state breakdown of what it’s like to deal with people on the other end of the customer services lines across our great nation!
First of all, everybody’s phone in the South sucks. It sucks so hard. It’s impossible to fathom the idea that EVERYBODY’S fucking phone down there sucks this hard but it’s a fucking reality. Hard-line, cellphone, tin-can tied to an alligator’s dick, it doesn’t fucking matter. Everybody’s phone sounds like shit and Alabama is one of the worst offenders. Not only does everybody’s phone suck major dick but everybody talks like they have half of a catfish in their mouths. Alabama, you should be ashamed of yourself for proving all snooty-ass Northerners right. If you wonder if you really sound like that, let me assure you that yes you do in fact sound like Foghorn Leghorn after a lifetime of chain smoking. And your phone is too quite. You should really get that fixed.
I’m as shocked as the next asshole from New England to find out that people who call customer service from Alaska seem not only like stable and sensible individuals but also come across as well adjusted and speak English. I thought this would be one of the worst fucking states to get a call from but so far after three weeks in a call center the people who call in from Alaska are shockingly not awful.
Everybody is old and crazy. These are not pleasant calls.
Alaska has been the biggest surprise as far as states not being full of people who are wretched to talk to….unlike people from fucking Arkansas who I 100% expected to be mush-mouthed idiots. I don’t always here subtly racist shit from people, but when I do, they’re calling from Arkansas. And their phones suck too because they live in the South.
I used to be cool with people from Cali, but then I went to film skool. Everybody from California is either a faux-Southerner who farms oranges and hates Mexicans like it’s their job or they’re douchebags from “L.A.” and by “L.A.” they mean some little shithole town that’s 90 fucking minutes from Burbank. Ask someone from “L.A.” where in “L.A.” they’re actually from and watch them sweat bullets. These people will shamelessly say that Sacramento is riiiiiiight down the road from downtown Los Angeles. CHARLATANS. In general, everybody who’s called in from California has been extremely dumb. It’s upsetting to think that these people don’t pay for water and that their state alone is like the 8th largest economy in the world. Jesus fucking Christ. These people need help finding their own assholes.
The California colony known as “Colorado” is just as stupid but slightly meaner. Whenever somebody calls in from Colorado, I automatically start talking in an outdoor voice and as slowly as I can without touching on being condescending. People from Colorado, for having such a dope-ass state, are top 10 most awful to talk to. The level of paranoia and dickery that I’ve gotten from these people is out of control. The worst part about Colorado is that it’s boring and stupid and callers never get CRAZY. Colorado is no fun at all. Callers from Colorado are just busy work and give me a headache.
If every single stereotype about Southern people has been confirmed, the same has been true for all of the dickheads up North. Connecticut is the asshole of New England and New York’s penis. Connecticut as a state can collectively eat a bag of dicks. You people are the reason why God doesn’t talk to us any more. I imagine every idiot from CT calling me from a freshly waterproofed wicker chair just scratching their balls and reading Rolling Stone. NOBODY swings dick like people from CT. NOBODY. Everything that people shit on Northerners about is because of CT. One of my ancestors fought in the Revolutionary War and led some battalion from Connecticut. He deserves a posthumous Medal of Honor because these assholes can’t follow instructions and all deserve to be punched in the dick. Captain Jonathan Esten (my great-ass grandfather) was probably hanged for intentional friendly-fire. I woulda been!
Literally have never received a call from Delaware, which is good because supposedly everybody from Delaware is a pedophile.
And then there’s Florida where everybody is a confirmed pedophile beyond a shadow of a doubt. I dread calls from this state. Florida is America’s penis. Nothing good happens in Florida. This state is the real life Sodom and Gomorrah. There is NOTHING in the Old Testament that is as gnarly as an afternoon in Tallahassee. Fuck north Florida in particular. I can smell you all through your shit-ass southern phones, you coked-up dipshits.
Phones suck. People are polite for the most part. Really don’t mind a good chat with a person from Georgia as long as they spit their peach flavored chaw out first.
I thought that callers from Alaska would be shitty but I was wrong. Very wrong. Hawaii is the sleeper for the title of “worst state to get calls from if you work in a call center”. For real though, holy shit these people suck. Every time somebody sounds like they’re tripping their balls off or coming down from a three day stint on PCP or trying to quit meth, I just assume they’re calling from Hawaii and most of the time I’m right. The other percent of the time that I’m wrong, the caller is from New Mexico and then things go fucking crazy from there. But fucking Hawaii, man. Everybody sounds paranoid to me like they’re trapped in a small, dark room all alone with the ghost of their dead mother molesting them. That seems like a little much but I swear to god everybody sounds fucked up. There’s a very eerie and palpable sense of doom in their voices. Everybody needs a klonopin. I sure as fuck need a klonopin after receiving an unwanted “ma’halo” from some ghost-fucker from Hawaii.
So far, everybody from Idaho sounds like English is their second language.
I think that nobody in Illinois has friends because 80% of my calls come from fucking Illinois. Do you people have fucking computers?? You know that you can do shit over the internet these days, right? I think people from Illinois are lonely and just want to talk to somebody. Most of the time they’re very cheerful and pleasant so I don’t mind chatting with them. I just wish they had some real friends though. Shit’s sad, man.
The home of the KKK and has the most neo-Nazi’s per capita in any part of the world. No state is more ready to rumble than Indiana. I never knew just how powerfully violent the human voice could be until I started getting calls from Indiana. You people are terrifying. Please stop calling me.
Like Illinois, they call A LOT. Pleasant, dull, happy to be helped, and don’t fight you every step of the way. I like people from Iowa’s friendliness. I just wish they had computers.
The only characteristic of calls from Kansas that is worth noting is that nobody is nice. Nobody. This whole state is populated by rude, XXXL Mickey Mouse t-shirt wearing meanies. “No place like home” my ass. I hope you all die in a twister.
Kentucky, based on my sociological findings, is entirely populated by people who fucked their sisters and cousins and spawned several generations of inbred hayseeds. You cornbread feasting maniacs are some of the worst. EVERYBODY who has called me from Kentucky has been drunk as shit. And if they weren’t drunk then they should be embarrassed because their grasp of the English language was severely lacking.
GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO!
Maine-iacs are some of the worst. Inbred? Check. Paranoid? Oh my fuck. Can’t understand proper English? NOPE! Maine is New England’s Southern state. That’s all you need to know about Maine. They also all wish that they had had slavery too.
Textbook assholes. People from Murrrrrlin’ are soooo unfriendly that saying “thank you” does not register in their brains. Murrrrrlin’ers don’t do pleasantries. The worst part about Murrrrrrlin’ is that these people are Southern but they have Northern phones so I can clearly hear all of the terrible horseshit that they are spitting at me. It’s the worst.
Crystal clear and always polite! JKLOL! My Masshole brothers are not as flawless as I’d like to give them completely unearned credit for. There isn’t the “snootiness” that people from MASS get a lot of heat for, it’s more like they seem too hungover and distracted to hold a conversation. It’s disappointing. I’m embarrassed for them/us.
Hands down the WORST FUCKING STATE IN AMERICA. Michigan is sadder than Darfur and probably has more hate crimes. You cross the border from Ohio and all of the life and color is immediately sucked out of the world and flying monkeys descend on your car and try to shit in your mouth while screaming GO LIONS!!!!!!1!!!! This happens over the phone too. Everybody from Michigan sounds like they’ve had several lobotomies. Everybody sounds like Slingblade but for whatever reason they’re mean too. If you talk to fast they tell you to “slow down” and ask if you’re a “colored”. I wish I was making this up. I’ve been called “yankee” by fucking Michiganders before. Smdh. If you’re from Michigan and you call people “yankees” you should just do us all a favorite and kill yourself. Go to Indiana and start a fight if you want to start fights with strangers. They’re dying for a fight so go fight down there. Go fight them. Please stop calling me. And stop asking if I’m Latin.
Not horrible people. Talk goofy, are nice and pleasant, don’t try to swing dick, and all around perfectly normal people. Everybody talks like Fargo! It’s kinda awesome! And everybody goes ape shit when you pronounce “Faribault” correctly. “OOOOOH GEE! YOU SED IT REIT!” I kind of love these people. They’re like the intelligible versions of the Swedish Chef from The Muppets.
GOD. FUCKING. AWFUL. Nobody has teeth, command of English, or a good phone. Seriously, Mississippi must be one big fucking swamp full of shit because the reception down their is terrible. No really, what the fuck is wrong with your phones down there?
Colorado Lite. SUCKS. People are dumb and ask you to talk slower.
Nothingland. I don’t think that you can make outgoing calls from Nebraska unless you use a pay phone. I get very few calls from this godforsaken wasteland.
Nothing but scumbags and drunk people. Only worked at a call center for three weeks and every bit of what could be considered sexual harassment has been from somebody calling from Nevada. State most likely to have someone say to you, “…you sound like you smell pretty. What’s your last name, girly?” Fuck these people.
Timid, laconic, less drunk and less talkative than callers from MASS, generally pleasant. New England’s Minnesota.
Here’s a secret from a dude who was born on Long Island (me): New Jersey is the best kept secret in America. It’s the richest state in the union. It’s THE BOMB. The Garden State is where it’s at. Everybody’s cool and friendly. Nobody sucks, nobody’s paranoid or getting felt up by ghosts and coming down from speedballin’. This is a good state with good people and if you hate it, then that means that 1). you’ve never been and you’re talking out of your ass, and/or 2). you’re a fucking idiot. New Jersey is the titties and I salivate at the very thought of getting NJ calls all day.
CRAZY RACIST. I would put the entirety of my next pay check on being called a faggot by somebody from New Mexico at least once before my work as a temp is up. I’m for real, some callers have been a liiiiiittle too close to slipping up with the fag-word. It’s kinda hilarious but it’s also terrible. Most of the callers hate “drunk-ass Indians” and “wetbacks”. You’re not officially allowed to say that you’re from New Mexico until you’ve violently raped somebody in a truck stop shower.
New Yorkers get a bad rep for being loud and rude and “too talkative”. I don’t know what the deal with that is. New Yorkers are friendly and cool. Upstate’s a whole different story though. Upstate is garbageland and everybody might as well be from Pennsylvania because they suck. NYC has its own fair share of shitty callers too. Mostly it’s paranoid old women who live in Brooklyn and the Upper East Side and call in to cancel catalog subscriptions. Wanna hear something funny? When somebody calls in from New York and requests to be deleted from the mailing list I file their address under the request list to be sent a buttload of new magazines! This sounds horrible but nobody is more of a garbage human being than some paranoid old rich lady from the Upper East Side who has NOTHING better to do than call my ass up and chat about how Chinese people stuff her mailbox full of magazines. I’ll give that bitch sumthin’ to REALLY cry about. Subscription to Maxim AND Mad Magazine? You got it, bitch! I bet next time you won’t forget your “pleases” and “thank you’s”. Never be rude to somebody who has your credit card information and your home address. That’s just askin’ for it.
Bad phones but everybody is wicked nice!
Drunk and inexplicably boastful.
I went to high school in Ohio and it was the worst four years of my life. Ohio sucks ass. And callers from Ohio are the worst. They have a little bit of every type of suckishness about them: angry, stupid, slow, bad at speaking English, bad phones, racist, everybody is old and can’t hear, and in general these people are just rude and are always paranoid. If they could hurt you, they would.
I’ve only gotten one call from Oklahoma and it was so boring I don’t even remember it.
I don’t understand why but it’s like everybody on the West Coast is a paranoid psycho. What is with people on the West Coast and their Unibomer mentality? Do people just move out West to escape from society? If you really want to be off the grid then why the fuck do you have a phone? Fuck off, Oregon. Oregon is the Ohio of the West Coast. That means that California is Michigan and Washington is Indiana. Congrats Oregon! You’re boring AND crazy but not insane enough to be the worst of the worst. You exist in the middle of the pack with other suckbag states. Go home and smoke more meth!
Oh god. Fucking Pennsylvania. The only thing that I like about callers from Pennsylvania is that they tend to yell into the phone because that’s just how people talk in that state. The Yinzers are awesome and so are the people from Philly. They’re usually drunk and loud but more than happy to repeat themselves because they know that they’re too drunk to make any sense. I like that kind of humility.
Everybody’s name is “Carmine” and is vaguely threatening.
South Carolina is one of the worst states in America. You people disgust me. 100% of callers from South Carolina just want to fight with customer service agents. I can see why North Carolinians split from you turds. Those people have manners! You people in South Carolina have bad phones, can’t speak English, and are ALWAYS surly. You are harder to please than Somalian women.
Weird. Just weird. It’s like getting calls from somebody who is calling from a parallel universe that exists 100 years in the past. If the Rust Belt is 35-40 years behind the times, then South Dakota is easily a full century behind. A caller from South Dakota after a forty-five minute chat on the customer service line: “…OK thank you, son…now who are you and how did you get inside my telephone?” It’s like everybody there has dementia but are thankfully slow to rage. Thank god. Second most common question coming out of South Dakota: “How are you on the computer and talking to me on the telephone at the same time?” Jesus Christ.
I literally cannot understand ANYBODY from Tennessee. Even if people from Tennessee didn’t have shitty Southern phones, I’d still have a very frustrating and difficult time understanding them. Why do people from Tennessee bark? It sounds like a state full of teenwolfs. Are you all dope at basketball too? I can’t tell if callers have stutters or are just barking at me. Stop barking! You’re human! (I hope).
Generally friendly unless they’re weird and old. I like callers from Texas because they are grandiose and laugh at the dumbest shit. These calls are usually very pleasant. Unless it’s some old person from the panhandle. Then you’ve got problems.
I thought that callers from Utah would be creepy and Mormon but mostly they’re just drunk people who call just to chat. If I see Utah pop up on my five9 call agent screen, I know that I’m in for a solid half hour of drunken nonsense. It’s always awesome and kind of insane. Callers from Utah aren’t just drunk, they are poop-cheeks wasted. Like, black out drunk. And they call to just talk. If they’re looking to buy stuff, they buy a ridiculous amount of shit. It doesn’t matter though because they usually are too drunk to read (or even find) their credit cards.
Weird. Vaguely paranoid. Sometimes friendly. Reject modern society. Lives up to low expectations.
Sometimes, Virginia seems like Maryland’s good twin. Virginia has some of Murrrrlin’s dickishness but not all of it. Virginian’s dickishness is canceled out because they do have some of North Carolina’s pleasantness. Not all terrible people! Better than Murrrrrlin’. WAY better than Murrrrrlin’.
If Michigan is the worst state to get calls to customer service from, then Washington is the second worse. Holy. Fucking. Shit. Everything that I hate about customer service and all of the negative stuff about working at a call center is embodied in callers from the state of Washington. Rude. Can’t speak English. Have shit-ass phones. Talk SLOW. Easily confused. Come across as either wicked dumb or too high to function. I don’t know what it is, but these people have a temper. Callers from Washington have hung up on me for “talking too fast” and “being slick”. What? You called ME, bro. They just like to fight. I don’t know what it is. Washington is way more unfriendly than Michigan. Some days, the callers from Washington are worse than the callers from Michigan. At least the callers from Michigan are too sad and defeated to put up much of a stink. But not Washington! These folks are always ready take out their butthurt on you. For a state with legal weed, the amount of butthurt people seems a little HIGH to me. It’s almost like drugs make you stupid or something.
This state. God. Everything to West Virginia callers is an inconvenience. Very much like callers from Tennessee but sadder and weirder. Clearly inbred.
VERY friendly and sort of weird. Almost TOO friendly. Almost condescending. I used to think that everybody’s grandma lived in New Hampshire but I was wrong. Everybody’s grandma lives in Wisconsin. Based on my observations, 86% of Wisconsin’s population is women who are at least 65 or older. They are nice though.
Nobody actually lives there. All of the calls I get are prank calls from Martians and bored US Air-force crewmen. I’ve only gotten two calls from Wyoming. First one from “Ben Dover” and the second one was from “Mike Hunt”. I laughed at both of these. Good to see that our illegal alien population has a good sense of humor! Call me up anytime, spacemen!