Halloween is in the air! It’s late October and it’s time to start stocking up on candy, carving up jack-o-lanterns, and getting in the festive spirit of what I think is the greatest holiday of all time. Halloween is the bomb. Fall is the best season. It’s nice and temperate outside and summer is finally over, which means that ball soup and swamp ass are officially off the menu! Thank god. I fucking hate Summer. Summer is overrated. Summer blows. First of all, it’s hot. And that sucks. I am VERY sweaty man. I do like getting a good sweat on when I’m feeling it in the gym running around but if I’m just going to work or class or something I really hate constantly being wet and worrying that I’m going to destroy my phone with my sweatiness. The threat of a potential gooch rash just behind my nads gives me more concern than it should but it’s worth avoiding at all costs. There are few non-deadly injuries that are more debilitating than a gooch or ass rash. Blisters on my feet? Fine. I can deal with that. Wear extra sox and some comfortable footwear for a week? No biggie! I just pop those suckers and I’m on my way! But gooch rash? Ass rash? Fuck no. That shit will put me out of commission for a stupid amount of time. It’s a REALITY! A world of pain and a week of walking funny. I’m getting mad just thinking about it. Remember to keep your buns dry, kids! In all climates and altitudes.
In the spirit of my favorite holiday, I’d like to do a Top 10 Scariest Halloween Monsters! These are the monsters are the ones that freak me out the most. These guys are the ones ya gotta watch out for; not just on Halloween either. These fellas don’t care about what time of year it is. They’re coming for your nuts whenever they feel like it! So here we go!
Thinking a little be outside of the box on this list. Puppets come in at No. 10. Now, some people may think that puppets should be either way higher up this power ranking as far as horribleness concern. Puppets are freaky. I don’t like puppets one bit. Puppets suck. Nothing good happens when a puppet is involved. Nothing. And that goes for all types of puppets that aren’t of the Muppet, stuffed animal, or finger puppet variety. A finger puppet is not really a puppet, per se. It’s just some shitty toy that you can stick on your finger that’s no better nor worse than drawing a smiley-face on your finger and having a ball. (I’d even say it’s boring compared to the entertainment you can get from drawing yourself some finger friends!). So finger puppets get a pass as far as the general insidiousness of puppets goes. When it comes to finger puppets, the real monster is the person wielding the finger puppets. It’s not the finger puppet’s fault that he just so happens to be perched on the hand of a man with bad intentions. He can’t help where the finger he’s sitting on goes! Doesn’t really get a say in the matter unfortunately. As far as Muppets go, I love Muppets! Not just the OG Muppets but all muppets! You either love muppets or you don’t. Even if they sometimes end up playing the antagonists in your worst night terrors, that’s more of an indication that you’ve got some stuff going on with your subconscious that you gotta sort out. And a stuffed animal with a hole in its bottom isn’t really a puppet. Those don’t count.
Now that proper puppet taxonomy established: fuck puppets. This fuckers are no good. Being at number 10 is a little low for this nefarious little fucks. If anybody on this list is coming for your nuts, it’s these guys. Some infamous puppets include the Saw Puppet, marionettes, ventriloquist dummies, and anything that was ever “The Twilight Zone.” Those puppets are all bad news. The puppet from the movie “Saw” in particular. The “Saw” Puppet is one of the worst in my book. He’s a ventriloquist dummy too so that’s two strikes against him. Not only is he the sick plaything of a murderous psycho, but he’s also the worst kind of puppet. Even though Jigsaw was the name of the villain in the “Saw” movies, the puppet was the worst part. I can handle a good dose of torture porn. A gory psycho-thriller is one thing but holy shit–that puppet took it to a whole new level. If the real murderer Jigsaw went up against that puppet in a fight, he’d lose. Badly. That puppet would do things to his master Jigsaw that would make everything in the “Saw” series look like a regular old trip to physical therapist. After the “Saw” puppet gutted and horribly maimed poor Jigsaw, he’d do victory laps around Jigsaw’s barely breathing body on his little red tricycle. Oh god that little red tricycle…that was easily one of the worst parts of those movies. I bet that sick fuck would be sure to steer himself into Jigsaw’s pool of blood so he could draw a circle around him with his tire tracks. Imagine that being the last thing you see? That little bastard popping a wheeling on his trike as he rides away from your mangled corpse. Cacklin’ his little ass off. Of all the puppets, the “Saw” puppet is easily the worst. All other evil puppets probably have nightmares about him. THAT’S how bad that puppet is.
9. THE UNSPECIFIC PSYCHO-KILLER WHO IS MOST LIKELY LURKING AROUND IN THE WOODS BEHIND YOUR HOUSE AS YOU READ THIS
Ah yes, the ambiguous psycho-killer. He comes in many forms: the blood-thirsty knife-wielding hobo, the legendary escaped mental patient, the neighborhood axe-murderer. He comes in all shapes and sizes! He’s nameless, faceless, and frightening. He silently slinks around and chops ya bits! I’m not a big fan of the classic Halloween movies like “Friday the 13th” or “Halloween” but Jason Vorhees and Michael Myers are the guys I’m taking about. Leatherface from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is a good one too. Basically, I’m identifying the go-to, quintessential horror movie villains. Personally, the less specific the better. I find is scary as shit that there’s always the possibility that there’s some dude with a rusty hook out there waiting for me for cross his path. HE COULD LITERALLY BE BEHIND ME RIGHT NOW! The idea of being watched is freaky. Especially the chance that you’re being watched by some guy who really wants to murder you. The “slasher,” as it were; or, the “maniac.” Jack the Ripper is a good real life example. The menace who lurks in the shadows. That guy’s ever present and he’s to be avoided at all costs. The “slasher” is no. 9 on this list ahead of creepy puppet because he is, in fact, quite real.
8. KILLER CLOWN
Fuck clowns, man. Why do people keep this horrible tradition alive? Who likes this bullshit? For real, is there anyone out there (who isn’t a fucking juggalo) who is down with clowns? Seriously, if you like clowns go fuck yourself. You’re doing humanity a disservice. I literally tapped out of my college Acting Major because part of the required curriculum had to do with “clowning.” Fuck that. I’d rather have the “Saw” puppet violate me repeatedly than do anything that involves clowns. I’m not even joking. I am seriously saying that I would rather get butt raped by the scariest puppet in the world than even watch a youtube clip of a circus clown doing some clownin’ around for 90 seconds. No way, man. No way.
Pennywise from Stephen King’s “It”comes to mind when I think of killer clowns. He’s pretty much THE killer clown. I’m not really even sure if I’m aware of any others but Pennywise is bad enough that I don’t really need to wrack my brain for any others. Pennywise just rolled up on those people in “It” and terrorized them. Granted, I did not have the balls to sit through the whole movie and I didn’t read the book, but sweet Jesus was that clown scary. I’m not really sure what his deal was but it seemed to me that he just popped out of nowhere and did terrible things to people. There’s no coming back from that. Like what do you even do if that happens? A killer clown just pops out of nowhere and starts getting up in your grill and tries to kill you? Like what do you even do about that? Is there anything you can do in that situation? Especially if he’s only in your brain or something like that. Do killer clowns have a weakness? What’s a killer clown’s kryptonite? Can you shoot them? Are they afraid of Jesus and garlic like vampires or what? The seeming lack of knowledge about how best to deal with a malicious clowns is troubling. Somebody needs to get me some answers. Perhaps only the juggalos know the true secrets of the Clown and we’re all living in needless fear because we’ve shunned them from society. That’s a heavy price to pay for humanity if that is indeed the case: must we embrace out fellow juggalos in order to conquer these demon clowns? Or continue to clean up and cast out the dregs of our society at the cost of continuing this godawful nightmare of killer clown antagonism? Welp, damned if we do damned if we don’t. If the choice is really between rampant juggalo behavior or the occasional killer clown attack, I think we’ll take the lesser of the unpleasantness and roll the dice with the killer clowns. Sorry juggalos. You suck worse than killer clowns. Humans will always pick scary over filthy.
EL DIABLO! The Prince of Darkness! Lucifer! METALLICA RULES!!! Fucking Satan is numero 7. Truth be told, I don’t understand the Devil (more on this topic to come!). He seems like a total dickhead though. There’s a reason God’s not down with Satan. I don’t even think Jesus likes Satan. The more questions I ask about Satan, the less answers I seem to get. For real though, what the fuck is Satan’s deal? He was an angel, and then he really screwed up and got kicked out of heaven. Ok…sooooo what’s his deal now? He just beefs with God? Why does he always seem to be all up in our business down here on Earth? Doesn’t he have better things to do? If I was Satan I’d just have coke-fueled orgies all day. I’d cut my losses and cool it with fighting God and Jesus and just party hard in Hell. I think that’s what anybody would do really. What’s the point of fighting with God when you, 1. seem to always get your ass kicked, and 2. are therefor wasting your time when you could be having a blast in the underworld throwing some kickass parties. I’m honestly at a loss. Is Satan a complete idiot or something? Or is he just REALLY REALLY BUTTHURT about being cast out of heaven? If that’s the case, then Satan is a juggalo. Perhaps the worst juggalo of all…
In a non-academic context, Satan is kinda just this supernatural boogeyman who’s capable of all sorts of unimaginable evil. He’s a monster who can show up in many forms. If you let him have his way with you, then you turn into a wizard–or at least as far as I understand it that is what happens. You make deals with this guy and he screws ya in the worst way. He’s tenacious. He’s got a HIGH COMPETE LEVEL! And if you want to fight the Devil off, you can’t do it by yourself you need Jesus. That is a major league level of evil. You gotta call Jesus for back up? Damn. What if Jesus is pissed at you for something shitty that you did and doesn’t want to help you fight with the Devil? You’re screwed, man. Game Over. You might as well hang it up and become a juggalo at that point. I think that’s the scariest part about the Devil: he doesn’t go down easily. Satan plays for keeps, man. When he shows up you had better be ready to rumble. It’s terrifying to imagine a monster that is potentially omnipresent and supposedly omnipotent. If he wants to mess with you, he’s gonna do it. And if you aren’t cool with God or Jebus…you better watch your breadbasket…
6. WIZARD/WITCH DOCTOR
The wizard is to be feared and respected. You don’t cross a wizard without full knowledge that you’re gambling with your life. Wizards are terrifying. I’m sure that there are people who can’t fathom putting wizards anywhere even near this list let alone throwing them up all the way to 6. Ahead of the Devil himself no less! But this is where I’m coming from: imagine if that whacked-out, murderous hobo living in the woods behind your house had the powers of Satan. THAT is a frightening proposition if you ask me. Some old guy, covered in bird shit and whatnot just cooking up some potions for his tea party with the Devil and them all of the sudden he just snaps and decides to start murdering children. And nobody in the town can stop him because he’s been granted special black-magic powers by Satan. You’re not going to stop a wizard once he’s got you in his sights. He’s terrifying. I think wizards are underrated as far as monsters go. A wizard with bad intentions is way more likely to show up and haunt you and your loved ones than the Devil is. The Devil’s kind of lazy too, which is why he’s behind wizards. Wizards and other guys who pal around with demons and stuff are Satan’s henchmen. If Satan wants to go do bad stuff he just sends wizards. They can handle the run of the mill creepy nonsense!
Black magic and voodoo are also terrifying. Even less than clowns, I want absolutely nothing to do with witch doctors. There are even parts of the world (looking at you Tanzania!) that I refuse to go to because they have not yet taken care of their wizard epidemic. This is a real thing to be afraid of! There are witch doctors running around right now all over the world snatching up kids and eating them! Cannibals fall into this category because I think most cannibals think that they possess some kind of black-magic dark powers. I refuse to believe that cannibals eat people just because we taste good. That’s bullshit. They get off on eating people-meat and I don’t care how much they deny it, they think that it gives them special powers. God, wizards are awful. hashtagworsethanjuggalos.
TOP FIVE!! Ok so if you’ve been following my logic and understand the power rankings aspect of this list, you’ll see that Dracula (representing most of the vampire population as we know them) is the unholy combination of several of the monsters on this list. Dracula has black-magic powers, he’s a blood-slurpin’ slasher, he’s in league with the Devil, and he’s immortal. In my opinion, Dracula is worse than all of the previous monsters on this list because he’s not haunting anybody for funnsies. Dracula doesn’t want you blood; he NEEDS your blood. You can’t reason with the man. He’s insatiable! He’s a vampire and he’s crazy powerful.
The reason why I specifically picked out Dracula and not vampires is because I feel like there is a certain dichotomy to vampirism that has not been addressed in the past and I want to clear some things up. Dracula is one type of vampire and according to the book “Dracula” he can fly, he can turn into a bat, a rat, or a wolf if need be, he can become invisible, he can’t be seen in mirrors, he’s got some mind control powers, he’s wicked strong, and he can only be killed by stabbing him in the heart with a stake and cutting off his head and shoving a bunch of garlic into the mouth of his disembodied head. That’s a lot. He’s got the most impressive and fascinating stats of any monster. That’s what’s so appealing about Dracula and vampires in general. We all know the rules! We’re all safe until the sun goes down and then once it does we’re in serious trouble. Dracula also wears a cape and has the demeanor of a porn director. Supposedly, the man is quite attractive and debonair. If Dracula didn’t drink blood, he’d probably drink Dos Equis. He’s one smooth motherfucker. Dracula is definitely the Mr. Steal Yo Grrl of the monster world. That’s also probably why he doesn’t have any fucking friends.
Not only is Dracula hard to resist sexually, he’s also ridiculously hard to fight. He’s coming for your nuts with all he’s got. Fangs flashin’ in the moonlight. He’s smart and he’ll outfox ya if you give him the chance. But seriously, if you wear a cross and rub garlic butter all over your balls you’re probably fine. Just find out where that motherfucker sleeps and jam a stake in his heart and boom! He’s toast! Unlike….
As far as I know, there are two kinds of vampires: there’s the date rapist Dracula kind, and then there’s NOSFERATU! Nosferatu is a terrifying movie because back in 1922 there was still vampires and shit running around in the world. That dude who played Nosfteratu in the movie–Max Schrek–that fucking guy was a vampire. Nosferatu was a different kind of vampire. Although that movie was based on “Dracula,” Count Orloc himself was a VERY different kind of monster. Count Orloc was not a sexy beast like Dracula. He didn’t have dat heroin chic. He was a filthy animal. He lived in a box full of dirt and rats and spread plague all over the fucking place because he was so grubby. That guy just LOOKS like he smells bad.
I just had to look up what the difference was between a “Nosferatu” and a “Dracula” and thanks to Wikipedia I was informed that “Nosferatu” is basically the Romanian word (Transylvania for you dumbies out there) for “vampire.” It means, “repugnant or unclean one.” Nosferatu is just the worst type of vampire in the book. He’s not even trying to hide the fact that he’s a monster. Fuck that he’s coming for yer nuts! Nosferatu’s bald, he’s got some serious ear hair, fierce-looking claws, crazy bug-eyes, and a mouth full of dog teeth. The last time I saw the movie was my freshman year at Emerson College and I was fucking trashed so I don’t remember if he could turn into a bat or not but I think he can turn into a fucking bat, which makes him even more terrifying. The only thing that seems to kill Nosferatu is the sun light. That’s how he eats shit in the movie. He’s also not down with Jebus because the Cross freaked him out too so I guess that’s another way that you could protect yourself but he strikes me as the type to just battle through it and fuck you up anyway. Nosferatu doesn’t give a fuck about you and your Jesus!
In a general list, I would say that Nosferatu is easily top three greatest monsters of all time. In a fight, Count Orloc would fuck Dracula up and then do some victory laps around Dracula’s body on the “Saw” puppet’s tricycle. If there was a Halloween Monster Battle Royale, Count Orloc would win hands down. He’d probably save the “Saw” puppet for last and use him as a flesh-light. The Count ain’t beneath butt stuff!
Okay, so ghosts is pretty general and nonspecific. What I mean when I say, “ghosts” is any freaky thing that spooks you in the dark that is clearly not actually there. That dead girl you see in the mirror just before the lights go out and she disappears when the lights flip back on but all of the sudden there’ blood all over your mirror? That’s the shit I’m talking about. The unwanted and unwelcomed spirits of the dead who show up in the middle of the night to give you a panic attack. They always show up at the worst times like when you’ve just run out of your klonopin prescription or you’ve just stumbled upon some random Eastern European adult video site that doesn’t seem to bombarding your laptop with viruses. Fucking ghosts roll up on you when it’s least convenient; during those nice quiet moments when life seems simple and sweet! It’s always when you’re alone too. So that when you tell your friends about your cool, spooky, ghostly encounter, they don’t believe your sorry, lying ass! And nobody wants to be “ghost-story guy.” That guy sucks. But part of you always wants to believe him.
Unlike vampires, ghosts can haunt you any damn time they please. They don’t care if the sun’s out–they’re coming for yer nuts! Boo-berries aren’t enough for these fuckers. They want human nuts! I don’t know why ghosts can’t just chill out and be dead. They don’t even do much but they drive people crazy and then they get other people to think that you’re crazy for seeing ghosts and then you gotta keep it to yourself BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SAW! Ghosts blow. Casper can eat a dick. And what’s with the howling?? Ghosts are always bitchin’ and wailin’ about some old shit. They never shut the fuck up! They’re worse than ex-wives–you couldn’t pay them to leave your damn house! They’re also unkillable because, well, they’re already dead…so yer kinda fucked. If a ghost shows up in your house, you just gotta say, “fuck it” and bail.
2. THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN
The Headless Horseman is something of an unorthodox pick coming in at No. 2. He’s a ghost (sorta?) but he’s also not. Look, I’m not exactly sure what the Headless Horseman’s deal is. All I know is that he rides a horse in the creepiest woods of all time, he’s got a gigantic fuggin’ sword, jack-o-lantern bombs containing what seems like old skool napalm, and HE DOESN’T HAVE A FUCKING HEAD!!! The Headless Horseman was my biggest fear when I was a little kid. I couldn’t be left alone because I thought the Headless Horseman would sneak up on me and cut my head off. He’s been comin’ for my nuts since I was four years old, man! I take this shit seriously!
I don’t know what exactly is so fearsome about the Headless Horseman. It seems like he sticks to his own haunted woods in Sleepy Hollow. By all accounts, he appears to only exist in fiction. In said fiction, the Horseman is most likely also not a ghosty but a real dude in a costume (but I’m calling bullshit–the Horseman is fucking real). He doesn’t have a head so he’s looking to chop off a bunch of people’s heads to replace his missing one. TRUE STORY ALERT! When I was 6 years old when the movie “Sleepy Hollow” came out. 1999, baby! My mom saw the movie in theatres so I asked her straight up, “what’s the Headless Horseman’s deal? Where’s his own head and why’s he chopping off everybody else’s?” Like most good mothers would, she saw that I was legitimately terrified by the Horseman so she made a bunch of shit up so that I could get over this irrational fear. This is what I remember: she told me that the Headless Horseman lost this head in a battle. He was a soldier. Ichabod Crane, played by Johnny Depp in the film version, is a scientist who works to build him a new head. So Ichabod Crane figures out that the Horseman is cutting off people’s heads so that he can find a new head and thusly solves everybody’s problems by building the Horseman a new head. The no-longer-headless Horseman, satisfied with his new head, promises to stop murdering the shit out of people and everyone is happy and safe. THE END! Now, that’s not at all what happened in that movie but that is some pretty good making-shit-up that my mom did.
The Headless Horseman is worse than Satan. Satan at least has a very punchable face that you can punch if need be in a fight. The Headless Horseman? NO FACE TO PUNCH! Way scarier than Satan. And he’s worse than ghosts. Nosferatu vs. Headless Horseman would be a dope fight. That’s a killer match-up!
FUCKING WITCHES, DOOOOOOOoooooOoOOOOooooooD!!!!!! Witches are my number 1. scariest Halloween monsters. By far, absolutely NOTHING scares me more than witches when it comes to irrational fears. At any minute, anywhere in the world, in any company, I could turn around and there could be a witch right fucking there breathing down my neck. I’m serious, man! How man ugly fucking people have you seen and thought, “oh shit! That could be a witch!” Sometimes I see someone who looks so fucked up and demonic that I am 100% certain that they have some kind of magical abilities. Call it stupid, call it childish, call it shallow-ass uggo-shaming. I don’t care. There are witches out there! We definitely did not burn them all back in the day! I’m for real, if all of the sudden more children start going missing and there’s some Satanist cult of hideous and creepy old dudes and hags, man, we gotta light the torches and go out there and fuck them up because THEY’RE COMING FOR YOUR NUTS!!!
Wizards and witch-doctors are just some crusty old fuckers who want to live in the woods and fuck trees and be creepy. I feel like these undesirable separate themselves from society for the most part. They don’t burden us with their potion and dark-magic bullshit, unlike witches. Oh my fucking god, those Wiccan people?? Jesus H. Fuck. Wiccan should be illegal. Witchcraft in general needs to be re-stigmatized because it’s some squirrely old bullshit. It creeps me out like nothing else. Literally ANYBODY could be a witch!
It goes both ways as far as freakiness is concerned. Like, I don’t know exactly what creeps me out more: real witches or fake witches. It’s one thing for a witch to be real. If there’s an old lady in the woods behind your house, cackling her saggy ol’ titties off and castin’ spell ‘n shit, that’s one thing. That is a terrifying situation but I feel like humans have overcome that shit before. Just go grab the drunkass reverend from your local church house and light up the torches and burn that wrinkly bitch out of your forests! Real witches are terrifying, but we can handle that. But fake witches? That just means you’re a psycho if you want to be a witch or you’re delusional enough to think that you’ve somehow mastered potions and black-magic. Thinking you’re a witch and/or actually wanting to be a witch is up there with wanting to be a clown. These people need Jesus. They’re a threat to not only themselves, but society at large, bro. And it’s not like I’ve got a thing against fugly older ladies–there’s crunchy old dudes out there who like running around in the woods naked with nothing but a pointy black hat on their heads. Sometimes, they’re just looking for ‘shrooms. But most of the time, you can bet your sweet ass that they are up to no good.
That’s it. Number 1 Halloween Monster is Witches. Now, I’m not exactly sure how powerful a witch is, but the reason why I’ve put them at number 1 is because of the shear numerical strength of witches. First of all, there’s probably a butt load of witches out there. Second of all, you got no clue who’s a witch and who isn’t. It could be anybody! And if there’s one monster who can fuck up any of the other monsters here, it is definitely a witch. I don’t even like Nosferatu’s odds against a witch. Forget gooch rashes–if you get a broom stick up yer pooper you are done for. SOOOO many splinters! And they’re gonna take fucking forever to work their way out of your bum! If you even live long enough that is…
Witches! BEST HALLOWEEN MONSTER! If you disagree feel free to fight me or send me a pissy email! I’d love to converse with you further on the topic!