How I Lost My Virginity

I’m going to get shit on so badly. This’ll be fun to remember. I was 16 but this torrid tale of romance begins back in 9th grade. We got a few new students in the transition from middle school to “upper” or high school. Keep in mind I went to a very small private school and there was a sort-of core group of kids that had been there since early elementary, maybe 1st grade so when you grow up with the same group of people and you’re hormonal, you feel semi-incestuous when you are attracted to someone you knew fell in the mud and cried eight years ago during fucking field day.

So, the new guys in particular were an interesting bunch. And then I saw the love of my young life. Let’s call him JewFroKid. Only thing bigger than his fro were his baby-blue eyes. I’ll admit, a bitch was thirsty. And he could play music, I mean…pretty, pretty, pretttttty good. It would take about a year and a lot of drama that I’ll get into later, but we were dating. I felt accomplished; that I had a goal in mind and attained it. It makes me wonder how much I really loved him or I just needed a personal challenge. Either way, fast forward. Mid-sophomore year and we’re at his house in his room naked and kissing. I definitely wasn’t ready to have sex with him but I remember actually looking his penis (or any for that matter) and being grossed the fuck out. I was like Stewie Griffin screaming. I think I hid it well and I rubbed on it for a while but that was definitely not going anywhere near inside me.

Fast forward another few months. My school was attached to a metropark and after school when teachers said “fuck it”, students would sneak off into the woods and do everything and nothing. One day, JewFroKid and I went to the woods after I lost a bet with him and I remember specifically I told him “black people don’t play the banjo” forgetting Google Image Search was a thing. So I had to give him a blowjob. Yes, I tried to back out. But whatever, I’m a woman of honor. Snicker. So here we are, surrounded by beautiful painted foliage. And then there it is. Primed and ready. There were like veins on it. But I dove in. The ground rules are don’t touch my head, I’m not a basketball. And tell me wayyyyyyy in advance when you think the rocket’s launching so I can run. Because that was not going to happen. It tasted no different than licking on the inside of a forearm and eventually tasted like my own breath. His slight stubble, I want to think he trimmed but I doubt it, exfoliated my face. It wasn’t that unpleasant. I don’t know if I was doing a good job but I heard no complaints. Eventually, JewFroKid’s best friend was trolling through the woods and nearly caught us twice. I was a budding fellatio artist and this mofo was walking through there on purpose for some reason. I felt frustrated and he jerked himself off onto a leaf. I think I even turned around so I didn’t see. I peaked for a second and that was a very odd stance and such violent motion. Poor leaf.

Eventually in the summer before junior year, right after I had turned 16 years old, I found myself in JewFroKid’s room again. He had moved to my neighborhood so suddenly his house was within easy walking distance. The whole set up was unceremonious. I think I realized that it was not a big deal, we had been together a while and I also think I had gotten angry with him. Maybe I was trying to subconsciously make it up to him. I remember I put on a pretty, silk, orange patterned dress and biked over. It was a humongous house he lived in so we crept to the top floor in a spare bedroom. His cat meowed and scratched lightly at the door the whole time. We found a condom that I’d been given that was in a keychain. Oh, long live Condom Keychain. I carried it around a lot. Condom Keychain was about to get used, it was a big freakin’ deal. Why did that shit break while he was putting it on? That should’ve been foresight into the whole experience. First of all, we didn’t know about any kind of lube or anything like that. Tip: invest in some. If you know that you are going to have sex for the first time, guy or girl, buy some fucking lube. Girls: you will be nervous and fumbling and unless your guy is super patient and really knows your body well you won’t be able to get very lubricated naturally your first time and it will hurt a lot less if you just help yourself out. Guys: you’ll look knowledgable and gentlemanly because you can’t assume fingering a girl for 90 seconds while slobbering on her face and breasts will rev her up. It’s a learning process.

JewFroKid and I had about 15-20 minutes of uncomfortable thrusting, eventually giving up because his cat was incessant and we thought his little brother would catch us. There were some angles that felt better than others. The first thrust kind of stung and felt like a lot of pressure. Definitely not like reverse childbirth or anything so don’t believe what you’ve heard. (Side note: Dude, childbirth, fuck THAT, so use protection!) I biked home, my dress fluttering in the late summer heat. I didn’t feel bad nor good. I felt more or less of the same. I knew it could be better but I wasn’t heartbroken or particularly let down. I remember telling Laura, my Croatian, about it and giggling that JewFroKid needed a compass to find my vagina. (Snicker.)

So that’s it, kiddies. How I became unclean. That is some bull by the way, it’s a physical act. If you are ready to try it, try it. Keep safe, be clear-headed, that’s important. Try not to drink or smoke before losing your virginity. I know it makes you less nervous but you want to be present in your mind that first time especially so when it happens again, you know what you avoid. And, there are issues of consent if you party too hard beforehand and you’ll become an SVU episode.

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