Today we’re going to talk about my foray into being a cannabis enthusiast. Now, I come from a state where important people aren’t enthusiastic and want to crush any shred of happiness that peeks through the boring fog that surrounds my city. But I digress. If anyone has experience with this, they’ll remember that the very, very first time you smoke you don’t get “high”. “High” is a relative term and it’s specific to you. When I’m high…*snicker*. It’s a completely different perspective. While you are within reason, your brain interprets things very crazily. I’d check out ASAP SCIENCE video on Marijuana and they describe perfectly how that works in your brain, the chemicals at play. And if you have never smoked before and you want to try it one day, do a little research. It is so much easier to find information on it now, Grasscity, Reddit, Leafly, High Times, even Dr. Gupta on CNN made a whole documentary so educate yourself, fool.
I think I was about 15 when I first smoked. I did it with a neighbor kid and it was through a can. And then afterwards, I was walking around our neighborhood and while I felt a little lightheaded and felt smoky, I didn’t feel anything different. So I was like, wow, ok. Letdown. And it tasted really gross. I’m sure we had no where near good weed, we might as well have smoked some fucking poison ivy. This is how stupid I was, when my friend told me to come to his house to smoke I hid an apple in my room in case I got the munchies and had to hide from my mom. An apple. And then I came home not high and I think still ate it. So that was the first time.
The first time I got high and felt the effects was not too much later in the summer. I was with two friends, one guy, one girl we’ll call June and July, July being the guy. It was July’s bud we were going to smoke and we snuck inside the grounds of our school, which in retrospect was so, so stupid. But we figured it was summer no one would be there, which turned out to be the case. I was supposed to spend the night at June’s house and her and July were together at that time so we all met nearby and walked to the school. July filled up a small pipe and I know he had much better quality bud than the previous time I indulged. I took one, maybe two hits. And. Woo. It hits you hard. I was swinging on a swing in the playground portion of our school and I had that flying feeling but then I was like, how do I stop? There was no more logic in the world. When you are that stoned, you’ll never be that high again. People who smoke a lot consistently will never get as high as you do when you smoke for the first time. Close, but no. I needed both June and July to hold my hands. And we had to walk through the woods a little bit, maybe 500 yards to get back to the street and, oh my lord. I was like that David after Dentist. Just stupid smacked. So after a terrifying ride home because June was just as smacked as I was, I was like. Wait. (Jaws Theme) Wait. Wait. I’m so fucking hungry. June and her mother kept a pretty healthy diet and that is the fucking opposite of what you want when you are stoned. You want crazy, contrasting flavors in your mouth to just jerk off your taste buds until you have a brain-melting mouthgasm. For me, it is salty and sweet. I love salty and sweet shit. That night I created the ultimate stoned food, just you wait. Recipe: Asiago cheese bagel. Don’t bother toasting that shit. Hershey’s chocolate syrup. Whole bottle. ReddiWhip, whole can. Combine and enjoy. You are now half-Chong. To this day, I stand by how that tasted. So goddamn good. But it would not have mattered, I would have eaten anything.
So it wasn’t a crazy night. All we did was eat and laugh and watch stuff and eventually pass out. I didn’t mix it with alcohol. Don’t do that until you know how that shit affects you. I have seen many a fallen comrade in the bathroom just vomiting their soul out, and you are just standing there equally as fucked up like “damn…you good?” Cannabis is becoming more mainstream as more states are thinking of legalizing it. And of course, I’m for it. So, if you don’t smoke and want to try it, be careful. Don’t be reckless. Recognize that you’ll be impaired so don’t smoke it for the first time before a trans-Atlantic flight. You’ll go to jail. Or at least spend hours too paranoid to wake your sleeping neighbor to ask to use the bathroom lavatory because SHE MIGHT KNOW.