In my opinion, the best Halloween candy, hands down is TAKE 5. The Take 5 is not only the best candy, but also the most underrated by FAR. The Take 5 doesn’t nearly get enough love. It deserves love. ALL THE LOVE. When I dump out my trick or treating candy at the end of the night and I see a Take 5 in my pile of yummy cavities bombs, I bust both nuts. Take 5 makes me do BIG CUMS! It’s got everything you could possibly want: it’s a chocolate covered pretzel with peanuts, peanut butter, and caramel. Holy titties. It’s BOMB! And not only is it the bomb, but I like that it’s a humble candy. What it really is, is super duper chocolate covered pretzel with the works. It’s involved. It’s well thought out and well balanced. Five beautifully balanced and delicious ingredients all combined into the best chocolate covered pretzel you’ve ever had. Everybody goes fucking nuts over chocolate covered pretzels but the Take 5 isn’t a GLORY BOY about it! NO! The humble Take 5 is cool about being the fucking greatest. If I invented the Take 5, I would have given it a name like THE BADASS CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZEL MOUTHGASM!! Kids would be like, “OH SHIT! THAT HOUSE IS PASSING OUT BADASS CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZEL MOUTHGASMS!!! FUCK YES!!!” There would be nothing humble about the ol’ B.C.C.P. Mouthgasm if I made it but then it wouldn’t be nearly as beautiful or subtle. Take 5 doesn’t have the fuckboy attitude of the Milky Way. The Milky Way is such a fucking cholo. I can’t believe there are even TV commercials for the Milky Way. Jesus Christ, fucking why? Milky Way is VERY okay. It’s the definition of “aight”. Fuck the Milky Way and it’s GLORY BOY dickhead ‘tude. I know what you really are, you fucking charlatan. You’re a peanutless Snickers and we all know it. YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY!! Milky Ways are like cancer in my trick or treat bag taking up valuable real estate that should be used for more Take 5’s.


Ok, Aja said Easter Peeps for this one…I understand that Aja, you live in Toledo, but Jesus Christ who is the fucked up person on your block passing out Easter fucking Peeps to trick or treaters? Do they even sell fucking Easter Peeps this time of year? I wouldn’t put it past BIG CANDY but seriously, who the fuck gives out Peeps on Halloween? Peeps blow. We all know this. But I don’t think I’ve ever had to spend my energy avoiding Peeps this time of year. Easter time? Holy shit. You gotta watch your nuts during Easter because Peeps are fucking around every goddamn corner. It makes no sense. Nobody likes that shit. Why are we still fucking around with fucking Peeps?? What cabal of fat fucks is perpetrating this human rights violation on society every year? ON JEBUS’S BERFDAY NO LESS!!! This is a sadistic reality of living in America that we all must suffer through. But this time of year? Peeps? The very thought of it is offensive. IS NOTHING SACRED?! THINK OF THE FUCKING CHILDREN!! Look, I don’t condone vandalism on Halloween because that’s just stupid, destructive, childish nonsense that’s not funny. But if somebody is passin’ out Peeps on our holy night? FUCK THEIR HOUSE UP!! BURN THE WITCH!! PAINT THEIR SHACK RED WITH THEIR BLOOD AND EGG IT JUST FOR GOOD MEASURE!! I’ll say this, if you give out Peeps on Halloween, you should be murdered.

In the non-shitty part of the country however, the worst shit that we have to deal with as far as poopy candy goes is probably lollipops. I know this is a luke-warm HOT TAKE but I hate lollipops and I think they suck. Fun fact! People from the Midwest call them suckers! Just to give you another reason to fucking hate the Midwest and the people who are proud to be from that hellhole. Halloween isn’t for suckin’ on a lollipop. If I’m suckin’ on a lollipop I’m wasting my damn time. On Halloween, I like dumpin’ out my sack of well-earned trick or treat candy, and FUCKING POUNDING IT AS FAST AS FUCKING POSSIBLE! Just rip that shit open and jam it in my mouth hole. Chewing is fer pussy! The faster I eat it, the better it tastes. Aaaaaand that’s why I was a VERY chubby little kid.

The reason why lollipops are the worst is because usually the people who give out lollipops are on some kind of fucked up, convoluted, self-righteous mission to suck all of the gluttonous fun of the holiday by only giving out one lollipop per trick or treater. “ONLY TAKE ONE! YOU GREEDY LITTLE FUCK!” I want to kick the one-lollipop-rule, no-fun master in the nuts. This is the worst type of person. If you’re that person, who gets a wicked hard-on by being a withholding dickhead and depriving kids of flexin’ their god-given right to be fat and greedy on Halloween night, then you should kill yourself. Do it now before you continue your bullshit crusade on our sacred night. You probably also think that Milky Way is awesome. Fucker.


Man, if Armageddon happened tomorrow, I don’t really know if I’d notice. I live in my mom’s basement and am currently looking for a job while I get my alcoholism under control. I think that by the time I woke up, everybody would have killed each other on my block and I’d be too late to boogey. Me and my cat would probably just keep on chillin’ in the basement and it would be the lamest version of I Am Legend of all time. I think I’d win “camper” like that shitty dude you always get sniped by on Xbox Live. I’d just sit and wait and probably just pick off one zombie at a time out here in the New Hampshire suburbs. It’d be wicked boring. Zombie apocalypse in New England would be a long and monotonous process that would not be particularly interesting. I think the witches around here would probably kill all the zombies for us and then just start their own new witch country. I’d only live as long as the witches allowed me to live. I see a scenario where I don’t kill a bunch of zombies, but instead spend my time behind the lines in a witch’s sex dungeon sucking some pretty gnarly witch dick for gruel and whatever other sustenance that my witch overlords graced me with out of pity. My witch dick sucking to zombie-kill ratio would not be very good. I really hope this doesn’t happen.


Woof. These are bad choices. I take both because I feel like if I find myself in this Devil’s threesome, I like my odds of being the third wheel and virtually ignored. I also go with both because the more fucked up it gets, the better I like my chances of my brain killing itself.


Easy: bangin’ on a pile of Take 5’s.


Juggalos or mormons? Gotta take Juggalos. Mormons suck and there is nothing fun about them. I wonder if Salt Lake City even does Halloween. Those self-denying freaks probably turn the city into the Warsaw Ghetto and shut it down at 4pm and lock the windows and prepare for Satan to show up and rock their shit. Gotta go with the Juggalos. I also don’t drink, so if anything violent (god forbid!) happens, I’m very confident that I can outrun a bunch of wasted Juggahos and Juggalettes. Seeing an abandoned building burn down might also be cool too. I’d expect some pretty sweet nut shots too so that could be funny at least. Gotta look on the bright side when it comes to hanging out with Juggalos.


Witches. Anyone could be a witch. ANYONE. Anywhere at anytime. Shit’s gonna be scary and horrible and not fun. You can’t stop a witch. There is nothing that I’m aware of that stops a witch from coming for your nuts. You just gotta lay down and take it with a witch, man. There’s no point in running. Just roofie yourself and call it a night. Halloween ruined. You’re gonna wake up with a sore rump and a mouth full of lollipops that taste like butt. Your butt.


Twilight was some bullshit. Those “vampires” and “werewolfs” were totally unrealistic depictions of those monsters. No respect for fucking science. Twilight lied to millions of children. In the real world, I hate dogs and think they smell bad so I can’t imagine how bad a fucking werewolf smells. Probably like shit. Worse than shit. Shit from the anus of a sick dog that you’ve gotta put down. I imagine that if these monsters were real, they’d both smell god awful. I don’t know who wins. It’s a fight that I desperately want to see though! If these were my choices for my weekly line up on FAN DUEL then I would go with werewolf. I feel like Mr. Werewolf is a consistent threat. He’s always bringing his A-game. Mr. Vampire? He’s got fuckboy written all over him. What if he’s “not feeling” it? I think that if there was this population of vampires out there, the majority of them would be like Jay Cutler. They’d just unapologetically suck out loud. I just think that the compete level of the average werewolf is much higher than that of a vampire. Vampire, you’re probably always asking if he’s REALLY giving it his all. IS HE ELITE?? WHAT’S HIS CEILING??? I don’t fucking like all these questions. You’re gambling with your playoff aspirations with a vampire. It’s like depending of Ryan Mallet to win you a game in the NFL. Jesus. I’ll take the under on the likelihood on him even showing up. Fuck the vampire. Go werewolf. Save yourself the headache and stick the werewolf in the tightend spot and save the flex for if Frankenstein is off IR.


Jesus Christ I hope not. However, the data indicates otherwise…


ALWAYS GO TREAT!! Never trick. A trick might sometimes shock ya and be a real treat, but nah. Going with treat, I like my odds of getting a Take 5 much better. Happy Halloween, everybody!


  1. tedesten · October 28, 2015

    Reblogged this on PROFESSIONAL V.I.P. and commented:

    Answers to Our Halloween-themed Questions from Readers!


  2. Pingback: Are You Too Old To Trick-or-Treat? | PROFESSIONAL V.I.P.
  3. Pingback: Best Non-Chocolate Halloween Candy | PROFESSIONAL V.I.P.

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