Earlier today, Aja posted her answers to our weekly Questions From Readers. The theme this week was, of course, Halloween. The answer that she gave for question no. 2 (What is the worst Halloween candy?) was Easter Peeps…juh? Easter Peeps…?
…on Halloween? What the fuck? This made me miss my weekly go-to AA meeting because the very thought of it gave a migraine. WHO THE FUCK IS THE SICK BASTARD PASSING OUT EASTER PEEPS ON HALLOWEEN?! I must know so that I can write that twisted fucko a nasty email. Think about that for a moment. You’re a kid. You’re trick or treating on Halloween night–most likely your favorite night of the year. And somebody gives you some Easter Peeps. “Here ya go, kid! Enjoy!” I’d rather somebody take a fucking dump in my candy sack. No, really. A big hot steamy shit would be preferable to me over Easter fucking Peeps.
My brother, texted me saying that Hieronymous Bosch (the creepy Dutch Renaissance painter known for awesome paintings of Hell and shit) could not evoke the feeling that is getting Peeps on Halloween. “That’s grounds for a move- when you’re getting Peeps. You just gotta get the fuck out of there.” This is concerning. Aja, get the fuck out of there NOW.
I’m sure that 100% of the time that you get a Peep when you’re trick or treating, 1. it sure as fuck isn’t wrapped and 2. I guarantee that there’s a razorblade nestled inside with care. I’ve got so many fucking questions. First of all, where did you even find Peeps this time of year? The same 7-11 that your PCP dealer loiters outside of? Six months out from Peep season you’d think we’d be safe. Don’t do this. For the love of god and all that is holy please do not give children fucking Peeps this Halloween. And, I don’t even think I need to tell you this but if you do in fact receive Peeps from your local psychopath this weekend, do the only sensible thing and immediately remove them from your candy sack. Terminate that shit with extreme prejudice. Peeps…Jesus Christ.