Your Token Black Friend – Responses to the Young Alcoholic’s Q&A (Halloween Edition)

Oh, hey. You know you love my sassy, black gurl opinion on things. Let’s answer the Young Alcoholic’s questions posted. Halloween Edition.

Author’s Note: I like Halloween and I typically use that time to be a cat in real life, but this year I am working a rather busy evening at my new seating hostess job so I cannot partake in any Halloweening. Boo. In the bad way.

What’s the best Halloween candy?

Motherfucker, I can’t eat candy. My mom and I are eating paleo and a bitch can’t have sugar. I’m having a mental breakdown just thinking about it. But, if I weren’t doing this personal torture, I’d say Reese’s Cups or Strawberry Laffy Taffy. Yum.

What’s the worst?

Motherfucking EASTER PEEPS. Those shits are GROSS.

How many zombies could you kill if the world ended tomorrow?

Damn, nigga. I ain’t trying to think about that shit. Probably zero. Because at the first sign of trouble, I’m out, never to be seen again.

Sexy dilf in a pussy-cat costume or slutty grandma? WHO YA GOT?! (or both if you’re into that…you sick fuck).

DILF in a Pussy-Cat Costume.

Best Halloween activity for drunk, horny teens?

This is such a Young Alcoholic question. Quit thinking about drinking, Ted. I’m 22 years old, I’m not a teenager. I don’t give a fuck what they do. They can rub on each other and give each other odd, mashing over-the-pants handjobs in the back of their Honda Civics.

Halloween in Detroit? or Salt Lake City, Utah? Which is worse?

Shit. That’s a good one. Depending on where in the D. Maybe a cute, rapidly gentrifying neighborhood in Detroit. I’m Black, so other Black people don’t scare me. But Mormons TOTALLY do. And they probably don’t even give out no kind of good candy. Fuck that.

Scariest Halloween Monster?

Either the Ghostface Killer (no, not the rapper) or Chucky. Fuck both of those motherfuckers.

Werewolf vs. Vampire? WHO YA GOT????

I got schooled on vampires once. Vampires can either be “sang” (blood-drinkers) or “psych” (feed off your energy and health). Whereas a werewolf could just violently attack like any beast, a vampire is crafty. And seductive. Like a date-rapist, as the Young Alcoholic wisely said. So honestly, I’m with vampire. Depending on what type of shit they have up their sleeves, they can be quite lethal after giving you the best damn orgasm of your life. And that’s how this bitch is trying to go out! Feel me?!

Are ghosts real?

I don’t know, dude. If so, be cool. Don’t fuck with me while I’m asleep.

Trick or treat?

I just told you motherfuckers I can’t have treats! There are no treats when you eat paleo, you bastards. I’m so hungry!

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