Yeah, I fucking said it. Everyone I tell gives me a look that likens itself to me just telling them I get pregnant for fun so I can get the abortions and save them in a jar. Seriously, is it that big a deal that I don’t like the perverted derivation from the cacao plant? So, to justify my EXTREMELY valid opinion, here are some facts about chocolate that may stop you from shoveling that shit in your face.
Chocolate is Sugary Death (Literally)
There has been documentation of a Mexican gentleman dying from consumption of chocolate. Now, yes, the chocolate was injected with poison because ese done fucked somebody’s bitch most likely. But if hombre had taken 90 seconds to not shove it in his mouth, then maybe he would’ve lived. It was in the 1700s, bro. Poison had to have smelled. There is no possible way.
It’s an Addictive Substance
Yes, you can be addicted to chocolate. Like, heroin addicted. Now, we don’t see soccer moms on the corner, flagging down drivers for $5 blowjobs so she can go to the nearest 7/11 for a Hershey Bar. But, there is a chemical called tryptophan that affects the pleasure senses in our brains much like dopamine. So, doing that rip off the foil of sweet hillbilly heroin gives one the same heightened “high” that chocolate would. You crackhead.
It Used to be Currency in Mayan/Aztec Times (Which Means Wars Were Fought)
Dude. We all know that any society that has currency means there is that motherfucker that is a greedy bitch. Cacao was used as a legitimate currency back in the day. It was money. So, of course, that means someone had to have died over some damn chocolate because hater’s be hatin’ that their neighbor had some and they didn’t.
Fatty Fat Americans
According to some outlets, Americans consume half of the World’s chocolate. And according to some very clear outlets (i.e.what I see everyday), Americans are super fucking obese. Correlation or nah?
I know I’m not alone in my disdain for the brown stuff. Do whatever you want. Honestly, please do. If you like this food, by all means consume it. But, please don’t judge me for not choosing to do so. It goes without saying that everyone has different tastes. And I don’t judge you for whacking off three times a day to Serbian horse porn.
Happy National Chocolate Day!