Do you live with you mom? I do! No shame in my game, brother. Nor should you have any in yours. Normally, you’d think that a 22-year-old grownass man should move on out and get a job packing styrofoam peanuts into boxes meant for automobile parts at a warehouse or something. BUT NOT THIS GUY! Most of the time, establishing your job at the factory proceeds your battle with alcoholism but in my case it’s the other way around. No biggie. In the meanwhile, enjoy this list of useless shit that me and my co-writers found in our houses!
5. Magnets. How the fuck do they work?! Why does your mom put so many fucking magnets on the fridge? It’s not like your bringin’ home any stunning report cards anytime soon. But even more useless than the magnets on the fridge is the shit that they are holding in place.
4. ANYTHING that your mom stuck to the fridge. There are exceptions; like the new internet password that’s just a clusterfuck of numbers and letters before you change it to “bonerman1”. That’s important. That deserves a place on the fridge. But an invitation to your cousin’s wedding? From last fucking year? That dumb bitch has been divorced for months now and we still got that stupid, ugly invitation stuck to the fridge? That’s embarrassing. What if said dumb bitch cousin comes over? If they see that and get pissed, that’s your fucking fault. Don’t put shit like that on the fridge. Does it really mean something to you if it stuck next to expired coupons for canned bologna from Food Lion? No. No, it doesn’t.
3. Your roommate’s skis. When are they going skiing? Really. When the fuck are they going skiing? If your roommate has buttfucked the feung shui of your living room in the rat-hole, 25sq. ft., squalor parlor that you call home, don’t feel guilty about confronting him abrasively. Get REALLY aggressive and territorial about it. Punch him if you have to. He’ll thank you later when he sells those things for weed money. Think of it as doing him a favor!
2. Four rims to a Honda Accord in a box in the corner. You’ve never even owned a Honda, have you?
1. Bag of Taco Bell Sauces. Nothing says, “I’m an adult” like making the responsible and frugal effort to save every last packet of flamin’ hot chalupa drizzle from Taco Bell for later. Your dad’s probably so proud of you. HEY! THAT’S PERFECTLY FINE CHALUPA GOOP! I CAN SAVE IT FOR LATER! I CAN USE THIS TO MAKE MY OWN TACOS SO I CAN SAVE EVEN MORE MONEY! LIKE A BIG BOY! Keep the dream alive, brother. Creaming your Food Lion bologna with “cheese” from Taco Bell is definitely the next best option to the real thing if you find yourself in the precarious situation of being both high and poor.
HONORABLE MENTION! The cross your mom hung up on the wall. Seriously, are you really THAT worried about vampire attacks? That seems a little much. Happy Halloween, everyone!