Are You Too Old To Trick-or-Treat?

Are you asking yourself if you’re too old for trick-or-treating? Are you wondering whether or not you should go out and ask strangers for candy? Feelin’ a little like a creep?

The short answer I have for you is, nah, you’re good. Don’t even worry about it. Unlike most questionable stuff that’s worth questioning; if you’re with your friends, it’s not creepy. I would say that if you’re my age and you’re out by yourself and trick-or-treating, then people think there’s something amiss. A 22-year-old dudebro dressed up, asking for candy, all alone without an adult, or amigos, is sure to raise some eyebrows. But if you find yourself without your crew and you’re all alone tonight? I got you, bro! Here’s what you should do!

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. I’ve always loved everything about it. I remember being in Kindergarten and tearing through all of the books in the “Halloween” section of my school’s library before I could even read. It would be another 6 years before I mastered literacy but that didn’t stop me from “reading” Franklin the Turtle’s Halloween over and over and over. I didn’t understand it. It was very complicated–especially for an illiterate kid–because the pictures did not quite aid in moving the narrative along. But there was a turtle dressed as Frankenstein and that was rad.  Orange is still my favorite color and I love everything about this whole time of year.

Last night, I did a very shitty job handing out candy, which you can read about here: The Candy Bandits Strike! and I made the the ultimate Halloween faux pas and left my bowl of candy out on my porch unattended while I went out do some investigate journalism on America’s #1 Haunted House: HAUNTED OVERLOAD! (More on that later).

My ass got ROBBED. The candy bandits struck fast and without mercy. Not even leaving one crappy lollipop. But thank god they just took the candy and ran. It coulda gotten ugly…

I love giving out candy on Halloween and I hope a get a bunch of kids coming by to plunder my chocolate tonight. Halloween is the only time of year that I can say that I’m pumped to have a bunch of strange children in costumes invite themselves over to my house and beg for candy. Any other day of the year, we’re all going straight to jail. But on Halloween, it’s all good!

I stopped trick-or-treating when I was 14. I was a freshman in high school and I was home alone and I had just moved to Ohio from Massachusetts and I didn’t have any friends yet.

So that year, I gave out candy. I dressed up like Tom Brady because that was the year that the Patriots went 16-0 and everybody in the Midwest was scared of THE PATS, BABY! One neighborhood dad who was taking his kids out was dressed as Peyton Manning, which was fucking awesome. I opened the door and he was like, “oh hell no!” and we both laughed and did some cleaned-up trash talkin’ while I gave his kids fistfuls of candy. That’s one of my top five Halloween memories. That’s also the only kid-friendly one. Later on in high skool, stuff got a lot durtier.

Trick-or-treating is the best. There’s nothing like it. It’s the best when you’re a kid. I looked forward to Halloween all year round. I liked it way better than Christmas because there wasn’t some magic, omniscient, cookie-eating presents-master watching my ass and making sure that I was “good”. That’s a lot of pressure, man. The fat guy is always watchin’. Ready to give your ass coal the very second that you decide to play baseball in the living room. But Halloween? Fuck it! Break all shit you want! NO GODS NO MASTERS! As awesome as trick-or-treating is, I’ve come to love giving out candy on Halloween.

Giving out candy is fun and when you’re an old like myself, it’s better than trick-or-treating. I’m 22 and I can’t imagine leaving my mom’s basement to go find strangers and take their candy. I’ll pass, thanks. Plus, when you move around a lot and you don’t have friends to go out with, giving out candy is better than being alone on Halloween.

Getting old and bitter blows but that’s a reality of life. Once you’re an adult, you become cynical. You’ve done your share of terrible things. Worst of all, you have a conscience about the bad shit that you do, unlike when you’re a rotten teenager. Teenagers suck. You can’t convince me otherwise. I went to the best Haunted House in America (according to ABC News) last night and I tell you, it wasn’t nearly as scary as walking into any high school in this country. In America these days, everyone’s got a gun and you’re not even safe from the cops assigned to “protect” the school. I don’t like my odds in a high school. I don’t even like going NEAR high schools.Walking past a high school you’re just askin’ to catch a stray. Fuck that. Fuck high school.

Giving out candy on Halloween is one way it feels like you can redeem yourself as a shitty older person. I don’t wanna seem like a sappy chump but making random neighborhood kids happy is awesome. DO IT FOR THE KIDS! It does actually feel good to make kids happy. If you don’t like making kids happy, do yourself a solid and go to therapy; you’re a danger to yourself and everybody who loves you. The other upside to giving out candy rather than trick-or-treating include the low maintenance aspect of the whole endeavor. Can’t think up a clever costume idea for the night? NO BIGGIE! Just dress kinda funny and you’re good to go. Or just don’t even bother. The kids don’t give two shits about your costume. They just want your candy. Feel guilty about not wearing a costume? Give out more candy! I’ll bet that the kids don’t even notice as you jam a fistful of Kit-Kats into their sacks.

Another cool thing is that you can just sit there and eat candy in the warmth and comfort of your home. Eating candy is the best. And what’s even better is that you can get whatever candy you want! No more dealing with half-assed candy from your crappy, old neighbors, man! You go out and get yourself some grownass man candy! Like Take-5’s! Oh god, so good. I personally try to outdo my neighbors and I want to be known for having the best candy on the block. And if I don’t have the best candy, at the very least, I want to be the dude who gives out the most. I WANT TO BE THE BEST! I can turn literally ANYTHING into a competition. Why should giving out candy be any different?

So tonight if you’re asking yourself if you want to go out or stay in, my recommendation is to buy a BUNCH of your favorite candy, stay home, watch scary movies, invite your friends over or something, and do some good for your community and give the kids in your neighborhood some candy. If you’ve never given out candy before, give it a try! I love it! And seeing all of the wicked cool costumes that kids these days come up with is pretty rad too. Back in my day, everybody was SCREAM. No really, I was born in 1993 and I was like 6 when that movie came out and literally EVERYBODY was Scream for like three straight year of the late 90’s/early 2000’s. EVERYBODY. Happy Halloween, everybody!

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