According to my sources (primarily empirically collected data) the Halloween candy break down seems to be 90% chocolate candy, 7% non-chocolate candy, 2% garbage candy, and 1% inedible bullshit. These numbers indicate that if you don’t like chocolate, you’re hosed. Unless you like garbage, in which case you’re happy just chomping on your friends discarded wrappers. But if you’re a normal human, AND you don’t like chocolate, or you’re allergic, you just gotta take whatever you can get.

This Halloweek, I’ve taken on the seemingly impossible task for finding good non-chocolate Halloween candy. I’ve done some serious research and these are my findings.


1. Cowtails/Goetze Caramel Creams

I love these. Cowtails are kinda rare (I don’t know why but they are). However! More common is the Cowtail’s humble cousin: the Goetze Caramel Cream. The Caramal Cream is basically a Cowtail in sushi-roll form. Like if some mad candy scientist blew up a Cowtail and chopped it up like sushi so kids didn’t choke on it. I think these caramel sushi clusters are dope. I was shocked to find out that a lot of people hate them. But people are stupid so don’t listen to them. Caramel Creams are the bomb! I CREAM for CARAMEL CREAMS! Say that to your mom and see what happens. I dare ya!

2. Twizzlers

Twizzlers are pretty awesome. I love licorice in general because it’s weird and tastes kinda funny. I like that licorice isn’t afraid to be different or disgusting. You know what you’re getting into with licorice. It’s got nothing to hide and if you don’t like it that’s a YOU problem. Licorice doesn’t care. But even if you don’t like licorice because you’re not a psycho, you probably like Twizzlers. Twizzlers are just “strawberry” flavored red sugar straws. There’s also the cherry flavor, which is good too but it’s much less common. I like a good Twizzlers and even though I love chocolate, I like when I get a Twizzlers just to mix it up. The only down side to Twizzlers is that it is made out of melted down G.I. Joes and sometimes it tastes like it too. Have you ever found an open Twizzler just chillin’ in the bottom of your candy sack and eaten it? Oh god. You might as well chew on a Star Wars action figure. It’s not good. Don’t eat unwrapped candy. Especially not unwrapped Twizzlers.

3. Starbursts

Full disclosure: I fucking hate Starbursts and I think they suck major ass. I will be more than happy to trade you all of my Starbursts for your Kit-Kats, homie! There isn’t even a flavor of Starburst that I enjoy. Orange sucks. Red sucks. Pink tastes like butt. And yellow is an abortion. Even if you like Starbursts, you probably HATE yellow flavor. I refuse to call the Starburst flavors by their assigned “fruit” names. That shit is NOT cherry flavored. It’s fucking red. Starbursts all taste the same. The only difference is that they suck in different ways. My rule of thumb is that if you can eat a candy with the wrapper still on it and not notice, then that candy should not be ingested. That candy should be put to better uses. Like fixing leaky faucets and plugging up other plumbing problems you might come across in your home that need a quick fix. God only knows why, but people love Starbursts. Good. Good for you. Please take mine so I don’t have a shitty Halloween!

4. Smarties

Smarties are good, bro! Don’t even think about questioning this pick! I love these but I had to put horrid Starbursts ahead of them to maintain my own journalistic integrity because the world is full of sickos who can’t wait to go trick-or-treating tonight and get their sweaty little hands on as many Starbursts as possible. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??? WHY CAN’T YOU BE CIVILIZED AND JUST ENJOY A REGULAR CANDY LIKE SMARTIES?? Fuck Starbursts. Smarties are a quick shot of sugar and completely inoffensive to everybody. You don’t have to chew the shit out of ’em like fuggin’ Starbursts. That’s a hassle I want no part of, man. I’ll save my chompin’ for real, grownass MAN candy! Like Caramel Creams!

5. Skittles

Beast Mode.

*drops mic*


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