I could hate on you ladies. The hairspray. The push-up bras. The stilt-like heels. Oh, Halloween. I remember the line from the seminal 2004 film, Mean Girls in which Lindsay Lohan’s character says “But in girl world, Halloween is the one holiday where a girl is allowed to dress like a total slut and no one is allowed to say anything bad about her“. Amen. This has spilled over into the big time, ladies. You’ve got Instagram followers to impress. Tweets to send. THINK OF THE SNAPCHATS.
The first Halloween where I decided to really slut it up was in 7th or 8th grade. Sheila (remember her from “Tig Ol’ Biddies“?) decided to host a large, class-wide Halloween party at her home. It was the social event of the fall. Given that there were only 35 kids in our class, it’d be rather bumpin’. We were relegated to the basement, her parents said. Which was fine, her basement was expansive and enough space to do whatever 12 and 13-year-olds do (i.e. get jacked on sugar and fight each other). Sheila bought me and 2 of our other friends costumes. I remember it like it was yesterday. She was a “sexy” soccer referee and I believe I was “Dorothy” from the Wizard of Oz. Complete with a little basket to carry my plush Toto. You couldn’t tell me nothing. I think the weirdest but in retrospect funniest part was that Sheila insisted I wear thong panties under my costume. If you are unfamiliar with those, they are ass floss. And quite awkward after your butt-cheeks have been previously covered by soft fabric the majority of your life. I feel an odd combination of free and having a perpetual wedgie.
The second time, and arguably the most successful time I “slutted” it up on Halloween was my freshman year in college. I had two male friends, one of which would become my boyfriend who awkwardly picked me up from jail (“I Got Arrested from Underage Drinking“). We left Adderall College for Fred’s hometown of Columbus for Halloweekend. It was time to party! I immediately decided it would be a great idea to be a Playboy Bunny. I had ears, a wayyyy too small black bodysuit, and some heels. I was ready for action. Since this was before Fred and I got together, he introduced me to his cute friend, who we’ll call the “Virgin Vault”. The “Virgin Vault” was tall, tanned, and handsome, ran cross country, and was deliciously awkward. Just like I like ’em. A few Jell-O shots into the evening and a bit of middle of the floor grinding (which is the only thing that makes me cringe now), we slunk off to the Virgin Vault’s car to fool around. Now, this is Ohio. It’s cold as a motherfucker. Alcohol has a way of you not giving a shit about much of anything because that car was a damn icebox. Yet, here we are, in a steamed up red Saturn or a Volkswagen, having fumbly, drunken sex mere feet from a house party. I may have slightly browned out that evening because I remember reconnecting with my friends inside afterwards and Fred said, “Did you bang the Virgin Vault??” Yes, yes I did. Where are the Jell-O shots?
So, if you’re going for the sexy Halloween costume this year, do it. This is the day to do it. Can’t hook up with virgins on Flag Day. Or Veteran’s Day. Halloween is the national holiday of childhood fun and adulthood mayhem. And it’s on a Saturday this year?? There is no excuse not to get a little regrettable. Unfortunately, I have to work tonight so no Halloweening for me tonight. My night will be spent at a hostess stand, watching and judging costumed college students dodge the inevitable rain. Happy Halloween, you dirty girl.