The Candy Bandits Strike!

Early this evening, my neighborhood declared that tonight–a full night before Halloween–was going to be our designated night for trick or treating. I live in Dover, and from what I can tell, a lot of New England towns do this because GOD FORBID that we don’t have Halloween Night fall on a Saturday. ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE! WE GOTTA PROTECT THE KIDS, PEOPLE! WOULD SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN FOR CHRISTSAKE! It’s not a big deal to me and I kinda like it because that might mean that there’s the potential for two nights of trick or treaters! And that means stocking up on more candy.

I woke up this morning and had candy for breakfast. This is possibly the most childish thing that a person can do. Since I turned 16, eating candy makes me feel like shit. It tastes awesome but I always feel like I want to die. Candy is a guaranteed tummy ache. But fuck it–it’s Halloween. If your stomach doesn’t feel like it’s got a knife in it, then you’re doing it wrong. Baby Ruth are pretty good for breakfast. There’s peanuts in there. Protein! Sometimes I wonder if the Baby Ruth is just a weird, non-carmel Snickers. Is that what’s going on with the Baby Ruth? I also had some of those mini Crunch bars and some Butterfingers. Butterfingers are dope. Big, small, BB’s, whatever! They are a fantastic candy. Very underrated. Also, good for breakfast! Needless to say, I felt like shit all day. But I did do the responsible thing and I took some vitamins and washed ’em down with a V8 juice so I’ll call it even. (Update: my farts are fucking toxic).

Around 5:30pm this evening I had my first trick-or-treater of the night! And then after that I went to a Haunted House–which turned out to be ABC’s #1 voted Haunted House in America–and so I didn’t get a chance to give out more candy. The Haunted House was pretty sweet. I’ll write about that tomorrow.

I made the rookie mistake of leaving out a bucket of candy for any potential neighborhood children unattended. DUMB. Sure enough, before I was even out of my neighborhood, two little goons who appeared to have ditched their parents rolled up on my house and took the entire bucket of candy. This was literally like two pounds of candy. Of course these two unaccompanied minors also said fuck it and didn’t even bother with costumes. Welcome to Dover, NH. These two guys were barely 10-years-old and already they scamming the system. They jumped up on the porch, saw the bucket of candy with nobody guarding it, looked around and scanned the scene for any witnesses or security cameras (these kids weren’t dummies). Once they had discerned that this wasn’t a trick but just some idiot’s lackadaisical Halloween nonsense, they dumped all the candy in their sacks and ran away. Luckily, they did leave the bowl.

I watched them out of my review mirror while I was stopped at a stop sign barely 100 ft. from my house. The sun wasn’t even completely down yet. That was brave, man. And unbelievably stupid on my part for thinking that anybody would respect the unattended candy bowl. Nobody respects the unattended candy bowl. The Candy Bandits got me tonight. They got me good. If they have the audacity to come back tomorrow night, I’ll be sure to give those little rascals a scolding! Next time they come across somebody that stupid, they have to remember that after stealing all of the candy, you have the responsibility to all the other kids to let them know that you have successfully raped and plundered the residence by tossing the empty bowl on the lawn. The empty bowl tossed on the lawn lets the other kids know that some idiot lives at this house and that they are not home and also have no candy. Look, if you’re gonna be that guy and steal all of the candy out of the unattended candy bowl, at least have the decency to let us all know that this house is out of business so we don’t have to waste our time finding out on our own.

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