Last night was Halloween: the greatest holiday there is! I hope everybody had a great night. I know I did! My goal was to stay sober on Halloween and I did it. No easy task. But I did it. It was one of those “whatever it fucking takes” nights. I ate an unhealthy amount of candy and chain smoked all night long. I chugged a gallon of V8 juice just so I had some vitamins and nutrients in my system other than sugar and artificial flavoring.
All joking aside, yes, I do want to quit smoking because it’s bad for me. And I also want to get back to eating right and exercising because all of this candy is making me feel like I’m made out of marshmallows. I’m turning into a marshmallow man and I hate it. I need to stop this madness. I USED TO BE A TEEN HEART-THROB GODDAMMIT. It’s time to start actin’ like one again.
Today, I’ve woken up in pile of candy wrappers with chocolate all over my greedy little cheeks just like a grownass man version of Augustus Gloop. JA WOHL! Das ist gut! ICH BIN DER KOENIG! We’ve been given a gift, people. We’ve woken up the day after Halloween and it is SUNDAY! That means today is all about FOOTBAW and candy. I’m giving myself a pass today because I stayed sober last night. Rewarding yourself is important in recovery. So today, I’m celebrating All Saints Day with all of the candy, cigarettes, black coffee and FOOTBAW that I want. If you stayed sober last night, congratulations. You should feel good about yourself and feel proud. It is a big deal. And you don’t feel great about yourself even though you stayed sober, fuck that, I’m proud for you. We’re all in it together.
Today, everybody should celebrate All Saints Day and honor the passing of another amazing Halloween by eating way too much candy, enjoying your sugar rush, having a EPIC FUCKING NAP when you inevitably crash, and then wake up and do it all over again. This only happens once a year and the day after Halloween is awesome because even though it’s sad that it’s over, we got some candy to make us all feel a little better.
Tomorrow, I’m gonna start my annual November diet and dedicate the month to austerity, health, beauty, and wellness. It will feel good. But today is not that day. Today I’m having a three-some with Mr. Reese and Baby Ruth. Tobacco counts as a vegetable today. We’re gonna chill out way too hard and watch football. You should do the same. Happy All Saints Day!