I’m coming up on 100-days of sobriety. This isn’t the first time that I’m made it just over three months without drinking. But this is where I usually fuck up. Badly. Just like Napoleon. I get on a glorious 100-day RAMPAGE and then I end up eating shit and relapsing.
I used to think that it was out of nowhere but then I realized that it’s always been the 3-month mark where I struggle the most in sobriety. 5-months is the longest that I’ve ever been sober in my entire adult life (I’m 22–last time I was THIS sober, I was 16-years old…yikes).
What fucks me up the worst is that it’s been difficult to function on any level apart from constantly miserable in sobriety. There aren’t these FUCKING EPIC highs and lows like when my drinking was out of control. Sobriety has always felt (in the shittiest way) not “boring” but just empty. I feel like I’ve lost a huge part of myself and my personality since I quit drinking. I know that that’s bullshit and that’s just one of the emotional mechanisms of Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms but JESUS the constant drone of low mood is ass. The only upside sometimes is that I find myself in situations where I’m like, “whoa glad I’m not drankin’ today…that’d be bad…” And that’s as far as the good feelings go in early sobriety. Just being happy that I’m not trashed all the time. And it is actually nice not to feel like death. But emotionally? I feel like a sober robot. Sober-bot: the saddest amigo in the galaxy!
But I’m working on it. I fucking hate waiting and I hate how slowly progress goes in recovery but I heard a guy in rehab say that time takes time. It sounds like something your redass high school JV basketball coach would tell you during conditioning week, but it’s true. Time does take time. And I’ve finally passed the half-way marker to setting my record. THIS IS THE WORST VIDEO GAME EVER! Yes. Yes it is, Sober-bot. But you better get used to it because it’s all your as is ever going to be allowed to play again in the arcade of life. Why not get the high score? I’m more than half way there. If I can beat Napoleon’s 100-day record and not get my ass sent back to some rock in the middle of the Atlantic to go dry out? Oh baby. I might actually feel kinda good.