For the past 72-hours, I have eaten nothing but candy. Ok, not NOTHING but candy, but mostly candy. I feel like garbage. Glorious, glorious garbage. I earned my candy, man. I fuggin’ earned it. But now it’s time to get back to being a REDASS about my diet and exercise routine. This year I’d like to invite THE INTERNETS along with me while I sweat all of this high fructose corn syrup out of my man titties. EMBRACE THE SUCK! LET’S FUCKING DO THIS!
OoOOOOOK, so I woke up this morning and hopped on the scale. Scale’s a bit dusty. Ted been slackin’. Hopped on because I knew it’d be a good idea (sorta/not really).
It read 168lbs……
Fuck you, scale! YOU DON’T KNOW ME!! YOU DON’T KNOW MY CANDY PASSION! DON’T BODY SHAME ME YOU FUCKING FUCK! My scale’s a dick. But I think everybody’s scale is a dick. It’s sorta just the nature of the beast.
Alright so Rich Homie Ted is playin’ a liiiiiiiittle heavier than usual. Before my nasty relapse with drugs and alcohol, I weighed 140lbs(ish). Height: 6’1″ and weight: 140lbs. (sorta/not really). I was dancing ballet last year in college LIKE A BAWSE and ballin’ out of control. I didn’t step on the scale all year last year because I had a goodass balance with diet and exercise going on and playing the numbers game with my weight makes me go crazy. It’s not a good idea. I don’t recommend you jump on the scale. Fuck my scale. Fuck your scale too. Scales blow.
But back to business now that I know that the damage isn’t “that bad”. THAT’S JUST WATER WEIGHT!! DON’T BE A PUSSY!
I’m a vegetarian. If I didn’t fuggin’ CREAM for Greek yogurt, I’d go full-ass vegan. However, I love Greek yogurt and I’m not about protein deficiency. This is the RED-ASS DIET not the soft-guy diet. EAT AS MUCH LEAN PROTEIN AS FUGGIN POSSIBLE.
As the picture above shows, I like mixin’ up my yogurts. If you’re not used to the sour and salty taste of regular-ass, 0% fat Greek yogurt, you’re gonna wanna cut that shit with something else to mask the gnarliness. I’ve been doing this red-ass diet for years. Three years to be exact. Chipping away and doing everything in the name of science. I’ve gotten used to Greek yogurt. You will too. I promise. Eventually, the point is to only eat when you’re hungry rather than when you’re ass is bored (guilty!). And once you’re eating like yer supposed to (like the aminal that you is) you’ll eat ANYTHING when you’re hungry! You’ll make yourself get used to it. Remember, RED-ASS DIET!
VITAMINS and SUPPLEMENTS? Here’s what ya gotta do:
I don’t believe in going to GNC and stocking up on Creatine because your high school football team’s strength and conditioning coach told you that you need to BULK THE FUCK UP. Fuck that. I don’t lift. HOT TAKE ALERT! I think lifting is not only a stupid waste of time and energy, but it’s a dumb mistake and unless you’re a pro-athlete, you shouldn’t lift. Lifting is dumb. Do you REALLY need to be strong enough to rip a fucking fir spruce out of the ground and throw it at a moose? No. You fucking don’t, you idiot. And are you really going to maintain your 300lbs. SHREDDED bod into your middle and old age? No. No you’re not. How many JACKED old people are there? Seriously. You’re stupid. If you lift because it helps you quit drugs and stay sober then you get a pass. As bad for you as lifting is, heroin or alcohol or any drugs are definitely waaaay fucking worse. I appalled you, sober lifter. You do you, homie. However. If your ass is just trying to be HARDED MOTHERFUCK IN DELTA CHI? Fuck you. I hope your knees buckle in the opening drive of your school’s ultimate-frisbee intramural championship, and your fellow bros laugh and call you a fagit. You deserve this. And you know it.
Now that my smokin’ hot take is out of the way, let’s get back to talking vitamins, my dogs!
I’m a vegetarian, so I take an iron supplement just in case I don’t get enough iron or something. I know that as a dude, I don’t really need to worry about this but I’d rather not have to worry about this. You feel me? I like red kidney beans as much as the next veg-head lunatic, but I’m not psyched to eat fucking beans every day. That’s a bit much. So take an iron just for the sake of not farting your ass off (literally) all day long and losing all of your friends.
I also take a daily multi-vitamin cuz why not. I know there’s some controversy about BIG VITAMIN pushing these useless little fuckers on us when we don’t even need ’em but I’ve got some serious anxiety issues about not getting enough vitamins and minerals and nutrients and all that shit. I suffer from Major Depression and Gen. Anxiety. If I have one less thing on my mind to worry about as far as my daily physical needs go? Fine. I’ll pay $12 for three months worth of peace of mind. If that’s what it takes to not worry about then fucking do it. It’s only fucked up if it doesn’t work or if it’s bad for you!
I also take B-12 or a B-vitamin Complex supplement because that shit’s wicked good for you. My immune system sucks ass. I blame the stress. My cortisol (stress hormone) seems like it’s always spiked. This has taken a physical toll on me and I’m fatigued all of the time. B-vitamins are also good to take because they’re a great indicator of whether or not you’re properly hydrated. How, you ask? Your pee will be toxic fucking yellow-green if you’re not drinking enough water. If you don’t hydrate like a motherfucker, you’re gonna piss out all of yer vitamins. DON’T PISS AWAY YOUR WHOLE $12!!! That’s senseless wastefulness. Make sure you eat with these vitamins too because if you don’t have breakfast when you take these bad boys, you WILL puke. I know this because I have learned the hard way. Whatever you do, don’t just pop your vitamins, wash ’em down with coffee and then hit the gym. You will puke all over the treadmill and you will be asked to leave and never return. Don’t do this. Eat breakfast and take your vitamins with food.
Also, if you get wicked bad SADs, this is a good way to help season affective disorder. Take a vitamin-D supplement. Also, when you wake up, turn up your lights wicked bright and sit near a bright lamp. Don’t dick around with some bullshit “sunlight lamp” that’s some snake oil bullshit. Just buy a lamp, put that fucking thing right near the head of your bed and the second you wake up in the morning, flip that shit on and blind yourself with artificial light. Your brain is dumb, it’ll think it’s the sun. And it’ll really think it’s the sun if you pop some vitamin-D.
I drink a lot of black coffee. Yes, I do have a wicked bad anxiety disorder, but my depression kinda seems worse and black coffee is a great natural anti-depressant. Plus I have not a whole lot of energy every day so this is what keeps me going. Like most people who suffer from depression, I have an insanely hard time getting out of bed. Usually, the only good reason to get out of bed is when I’m having nightmares or my anxiety is bombarding me with panic. I learned this trick back in skool: make a cup of black coffee (I like espresso roast personally) before you go to bed and leave it on your nightstand or at least within reach of your bed. The second your alarm goes off in the morning, fucking grab it and fucking chug that shit. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!! JUST FUCKING DO IT!! Thinking is your enemy because it’s your brain where your depression/anxiety/addiction lives. It’s time to take back control! Fuck your brain! Chug that coffee and don’t even give your brain a second to start thinking. Start the day on YOUR terms for once! I highly recommend this move especially for those of you suffering from depression like myself. If you don’t like coffee (you monster) do it with tea or mix a ginseng capsule into a glass of water or something. This move will also help ya poo!
Don’t fuck around. Drink water all day long. Don’t listen to ANYTHING that anybody tells you about how much water to drink. Everybody’s an idiot. Eight 8oz glasses of water a day is a good way to get dehydrated and feel like shit. Don’t limit your water intake. Yes, you can over do it and you can die from drinking too much. Your brain will explode and you will drown if you drink too much water. I’ve been over-hydrated before because I was not aware of this. I got the worst headache of all time and I’m a chronic migraine sufferer. This was a whole other level of pain. I’ve never gone blind from a migraine before, but I for real got some blurry-ass vision that time. I felt like I was on the verge of a blackout. The only thing I can compare over-hydration to is inhaling a big-ass helium balloon. I did that once at a chum’s birthday part back in middle school (of course) and I remember almost passing out and getting that tunnel vision and then feeling like my head was being crushed by an invisible vice. That sucked. Don’t do inhalants. Also, don’t over-hydrate. You’ll die the most painful death ever. But you’ll pass out from a stroke before you actually die so it’s actually kinda rare to really die from this. I think like 99% of the time, you just have a wicked bad stroke and get serious, irreversible brain-damage. So don’t even try to over-hydrate either.
I am thirsty all of the time to the point where I am legitimately worried that I’ve got diabetes or something. However, I don’t believe that you should ever limit your water intake. Drink water all day long. I like to make sure that my piss is always clear because I miser my vitamins like a psycho. If I see even a trace of yellow in my urine, I go nuts and go chug a glass or two of water. I also like to do a lot of cardio too so hydrating is kinda key. And on top of it all, I am a VERY sweaty man. I have no idea why. I live in New Hampshire where it’s always fucking cold but I’m still sweating bullets. Maybe it’s just from all of the candy. I’ll be sure to keep ya updated! But really, drink lots of water you’ll feel amazing. Do yourself a solid and drink more water. If you follow none of my advice other than this, I’ll be very happy because it’s the only thing that I know is actually guaranteed to be good for your health.
WHAT IT IS
Truth be told, I’m a major red-ass. Now that I’m older and done with trying to be somebody that I’m not (fuck high school), I’m sooo much happier and living better now (coogi sweater now!) that I’m comfortable in my own skin being myself. Look, I just got out of a nightmarish stint in detox and another two months in rehab. I’ve had A LOT of time to reflect on the multitude of ways in which I lie to myself. I call it pathological denial. Until detox, I had a very hard time dealing with the fact that I was already a full blown alcoholic at barely 18-years-old. God is it hard to wrap one’s young mind around. There was no question from drink number one that I had a problem with alcohol. But my first real drink was at 17 and even though I knew that drinking was going to be problematic, I did not want to admit it. I was “too young”. I was scared. I already had a whole buncha problems, man! C’mon, lemme just get my drank on! This was the attitude that I had and it cost me. And the joke’s on me cuz now I’m a 2-time college drop livin’ in my mom’s basement. BUT! I’m sober now and as long as I’m sober there’s hope.
At first, I thought alcohol was the answer. it wasn’t. It never is and never will be the answer to any problems whether or not you’re an alcoholic.
Denial is death. The days that I question whether or not I’m an alcoholic, that’s a red flag. That’s what I’m talking about with pathological denial. My brain goes, “…hey, bro! Congrats on 3-months sober! That was easy, huh? See? Yer not an alky! You’re just a sad, sad panda. And now that ya quit, you can have a drink!” I have to fight with this kind of bullshit daily since I hit 90-days sober. I don’t know why. My brain’s a scumbag.
Now that I’ve gotten some time to stabilize I’m ready to get back to GRINDIN’. I hope that if you find this useful (sorta). Let’s see if it works for me! If nothing else, I hope you at least have a laugh and drink some fucking water. And if for nothing else but for the sake of my physical health, this is a goodass science experiment!
Holla at me if you got any useful pro tips.