Top 5 Things That Killed America’s Boners Recently

This list is in no particular order. Boner scores from 1 (it was a semi-chub anyways) to 10 (Priapism is setting in; it’s been more than four hours, I need a doctor NOW)

1. Jared From ‘Subway’ is a Pedophile…and gained the weight back.

Everyone’s favorite sandwich-chomping, demi-god Jared Fogle is in boiling hot water. A Floridian female journalist has just revealed that she was secretly recording conversations between herself and Fogle, spy-style. In those rancid convos, we found out that yes, Jared is nothing but a big ol’ fashioned pedo. Is this that surprising from a guy in his 30s who’s claim to fame before the Subway advertisements was selling pornography out of his dorm room? Flashback to 15 years ago; a sweaty, anti-social obese fatty-fat sits in his Indiana University dorm room, amassing a collection of porn so large that he can turn a profit renting them to others. Dude. Go Hoosiers…? And, this is not just young females he’s accused of molesting, for your reference.

Boner Kill Score: 5/10 (Not that shocking but still…) 

2. Bill Cosby Is An Unrepentant Serial Rapist

This shit hit home for me. There are people in the black community who still don’t want to admit that their comedic hero was a lecherous predator. Not only is Bill Cosby accused of drugging and violating women over decades, America knew about it since 2009. Except Cosby has the PR team that Adolf Hitler had because man, that shit stayed buried. It wasn’t until Hannibal Burress, the chocolate-y, slant-eyed comedian popular for his “straight man” humor on The Eric Andre Show, came out with that little factoid in one of his performances. Then, the tidal wave washed over everything. Dozens upon dozens of women of all colors, ages, and professions came out, including model Janice Dickinson, actress Michelle Hurd (Det. Jeffries on the 1st season of Law & Order: SVU, YOU’LL BURN FOR THAT ONE, BILLY BOY), and even The Hulk actor Lou Ferrigno’s wife, Carla. You raped a buff-ass Italian dude’s wife, bruh. Perhaps the most disturbing part is the fact that he’s A) never denied any allegations B) shown no remorse C) has his doe-eyed wife Camille sitting next to him, pearl-clutching with a “stand by your man” attitude. Well, Bill, you’ll likely never face charges for the women you tormented. But, you lost your only son Ennis in a carjacking gone wrong in the 1990s. Karma is a bitch.

Boner Kill Score 9/10 (No one saw that coming)

3. Leonard Nimoy’s Death

Even though I’m not well-versed in Star Trek, I definitely understand the cultural significance of the program. In the 70s and 80s, that show was everything to a lot of people. The costumes, the plot lines, the twisty love triangles. But, no other character touched the hearts of others quite like Nimoy’s Mr. Spock. The deadpan delivery and those ears! So adorable. Leonard Nimoy and only he could ever play such a role with such distinction. And, apparently, Mr. Nimoy was a kindhearted, quiet man who spent the remainder of his post-Star Trek life photographing women’s bodies in a beautiful, body-positive way. Here’s a link to some of his work here. We keep losing the good ones… Live long and prosper, Mr. Spock.

Boner Killer 8/10 (He’s in a better place)

4. Ferguson, MO

I don’t think there is much more to be said about the clusterfuck going on in that community. Just, sigh.

Boner Killer 10/10 (This is still going on?)

5. TLC Show Subjects Doing Dumbass Shit

It’s funny and pretty ironic that TLC stands for The Learning Channel. The only thing I’ve learned from that channel is that Americans will watch anything. Now, I absolutely loved the show Cake Boss about the Valastro Family of New Jersey who owned a bakery and made these super extravagant cakes because DUDE. Cake. C’mon. But, some of their other subjects leave much to be desired. For example, The Duggar Family and June Thompson, AKA “Mama June”, AKA “World’s Worst Mom”.

The Duggar Family are that odd sect of Fundamentalist Christians who try to make as many babies as humanely possible to…well, I’m not sure why they do it. But, why do crazy, religious zealots do anything? Either way, Jim Bob (yes, that’s his name) and his extremely fertile wife Michelle have 19 children ranging from infant/toddler age to almost 30. They are in the news because their eldest son, Josh, was accused of molesting his own sisters in his youth. This nasty motherfucker was so repressed, likely by the religious abuse inflicted upon him and negligence of his rabbit-like parents that his hormones raged out on his own sisters. Goddamn. It’s also alleged that the parents were aware and did essentially nothing. Not so God-like, hm? TLC yanked their show but it still runs certain episodes on repeat.

Finally, we have June Thompson neé Shannon, the mother of everyone’s favorite trash-child and future pill-addict Alana “Honey Boo” Thompson. She’s relevant not only for the show where they live wild amongst the other trailer trash in rural Georgia, but for the fact that her other daughter, Anna or  “Chickadee” has accused her now live-in boyfriend of raping her as a child. Hold on, excuse me. Not “accused”, confirmed. The boyfriend was in prison after being convicted of her assault. Now, he’s out and Mama June had to pounce. So, now TLC yanked her show altogether.

Boner Killer 4/10 (Again, not that surprising) 

I hope this list could help America’s boner for things begin to re-inflate with some of the more joyful things happening in society today such as the possibility of Ohio legalizing marijuana or you know, cats.

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One comment

  1. TEDESTEN · November 2, 2015

    nice dick, bro

    Liked by 1 person

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