The RED-ASS DIET Day: 2

DAY 2!

DAY 2! JUST WIN, BABY!!!!

Yesterday, I put up some “helpful” tips for those of you whom, like myself, ate way too much candy this past weekend and now feel like your kidneys are being squeezed by the devil. Don’t worry, this is normal. This is what candy does to your ass when you aren’t 12-years-old anymore. Candy tastes great but it makes me feel like garbage. Now that I’ve gotten my candy-eatin’ over and done with it’s time to get back in shape!

Yesterday was day 1. My douchebag scale told me I was rockin’ a not-so-hot 168lbs. That’s better than I expected because since I got sober I’ve been stress eating like an unsuccessful high school football coach. My system is also still dealing with a major calorie dive because I’ve stopped drinking. Drinking is a caloric nightmare. Alcohol is basically just sugar-water with hella carbs in it. Alcohol makes ya fat. Whether or not yer an alcoholic like me, if yo

u’re looking to get in shape and start living a healthy lifestyle, the first thing the internets tell ya is to cut out alcohol all together. This is a good idea even if you are in-shape and live a healthy lifestyle. Do yourself a solid and stop drinking.

I’ve got the unsexy version of depression (get learned: there is not sexy version of depression jklol) and all I do is eat junk food and sleep because my energy is all but completely zapped.

But the implementation of my wake-up routine so far has been a big help! I wake up and I slam a big old cup of black coffee that I leave out the night before. This is probably not incredibly healthy, but if you too suffer from depression and find it nearly impossible to get out of bed, this move helps a buttload. Even if you don’t even like coffee, fucking do it. Take a shot of cold espresso and I guarantee you’ll pop right out of bed. At the very least, it’s something natural! You can also do this with tea if you got a bad tummy!

Alright so I slugged down my coffee and jumped on the scale: 165lbs. I TOLD YOU THIS WORKS!

The scale game is kinda stupid. No–it’s REALLY stupid and it’s a bad habit but early on in getting back into healthy habits, I personally like seeing at least a little bit of progress. It can definitely become an unhealthy obsession though so watch out.

My body retains a lot of water. Especially when I’m eating candy 3 meals+ a day and not exercising. However, I’ve found through a lot of yo-yo dieting and years of trial and error that usually water weight is almost all of my problem. This goes away real fast and the second I start getting back to doing regular cardio and eating fruit and vegetables and other healthy stuff again, I shed water weight like crazy. It does feel good early on when playing the scale game.

I broke 4 bones in my foot when I was 13-years-old and at the time, I was a chubby little fella. I think, based on my own scientific deductions, that I must have weighed somewhere between 150-155lbs. because if I’m hauling around extra pounds (anything over 153lbs.) my foot fucking kills. Walking is excruciating and it makes it wicked hard to do my 30-minute jog on the treadmill. So that’s how I figure out my healthy weight. That’s kinda the name of the game. You’ll know it when you hit it because your clothes will fit, you’ll feel good, and you won’t be starving or hungry all the time. The science word is “equilibrium”. Living healthy is all about finding your optimum level of physical and mental balance. IF IT FEELS GOOD DO IT.

I base a lot of what I know on researching what the Center for Disease Control (CDC) says that you need to do to fulfill your daily requirements for optimum health. You can calculate based on your weight, height, age and activity level what it is you need to eat and how much of it to maintain optimum health. My rule of thumb is to try to eat at least 3-4 servings of vegetables a day, 3-4 servings of fruit, and somewhere between 40-100g of protein. And, of course, whatever carbs I need to not feel god awful.

The Paleo Diet is kinda horseshit and here’s why: you’re not an animal; so don’t eat like one. You’re not a fucking caveman either. It’s 2015. You have a brain and you’re a sentient being. You need carbs and fats or else your brain will not work. I’ve tried to do the Paleo Diet and if yer gonna do it right ya gotta take out a bank loan or get a 4th part-time job. Unless you are in fact a caveman then by all means go right ahead eat only red meat and berries that you find in the woods behind your house where the wizards live and beef it at 60-years-old. I dare ya!

If you work a job where you do use your brain and exercise your cognitive functions, eat some damn carbs and don’t worry about it. I’ve restricted my carb intake before and felt like death. I can only speak from my personal experience and my only credentials are that I took AP Biology in high school and got a 4 on the AP Exam. If I restrict my carb intake, my depression gets worse. Way worse. I don’t have the exact science for you but don’t do this. It doesn’t feel good and if nothing else, I guarantee that you’ll feel tired and it’s gonna be hard to think. The headache monster will own your ass.

Figuring out your dietary needs is kind of fun! If you’re like me and didn’t like math or science in school, you’re going to be pleasantly surprised to find out that the math and science behind nutrition is actually interesting and kinda cool too. Especially when you can apply what you know to your daily life. It’s like your own personal science experiment! That’s how I think of it. Every morning I just sing the opening lines to “Space Oddity” and I’m on my way! TAKE YOUR PROTEIN PILLS AND PUT YOUR HELMET ON. This isn’t the GLORY BOY diet! This is the RED-ASS diet! You better put your helmet on, bro.

The name of the game is keeping everything as basic as possible. I know I just shat all over the Paleo Diet but the basic mechanisms behind it aren’t wrong. You’ve probably heard the term “whole foods”. Or at the very least, you’ve heard of the grocery store by that name. Jack LaLanne, the late great American nutritional expert, said, “If man made it; don’t eat it.” Use this algorithm: if it has a bunch of ingredients in it and you don’t know what a lot of those names me, don’t eat that shit. Put it back on the shelf and grab an apple. If you’re a dumbass like me, just think that if you know what it is then you’re all good. An apple is made of apple! It’s safe! Apple is safe and yummy. Banana is made of banana! Safe and yummy! See? The dumber you keep it the easier it is. This idiotic simplicity is the key. Especially when it comes to your carbs and calories.

Based on what the CDC says for eating healthy, it’s a good idea to eat 3-4 servings of vegetables, 3-4 servings of fruit, and based on your height, weight and activity level, you should have somewhere between 30-100g of protein a day. That kind of just goes for all human adults. I would recommend at the very VERY least getting yourself 3 servings of fruit, 3 servings of vegetables, and 50g of protein and at least 1,200 calories. This is like the poverty line lower limit of daily food requirements. I DO NOT think that you should starve yourself for any reason. That’s a terrible idea and bad for your health in a billion different ways. The only thing worse that you can do other than starving yourself is probably smoking. I’d even say that you’re better off smoking. Don’t starve yourself. For any reason unless it’s Ramadan. But Ramadan is over and you don’t even know what month it is this year so don’t even think about it! (btw Ramadan is over, brah).

I’m a vegetarian because I saw “Food Inc.” in college and it scared me to death. If you haven’t seen it and you’re having a hard time figuring out your diet, you should peep it. Get yourself LEARNED. When you’re in college, all of your food options most likely suck. I spent a year hitting the salad bar and I was all good once I figured out my nutritional needs through trial and error. I’m mostly a vegetarian out of convenience. Meat is expensive and it’s a hassle to cook if you don’t have the time. If you do have the time and you’re calling me a wiener then congratulations and shut the hell up. Get a job! If you aren’t too freaked out by hormones and the animal holocaust that’s being perpetrated by our food industry then by all means go right ahead and eat yer precious meats. You’re a grownass man. I’m not gonna tell ya what to do!

I get my carbs from nuts, oats, and beans/other legumes. Complex carbs are the way to go. Don’t freak out about your carb intake if you’re getting your carbs from the right sources. And if you are worried that you’re eating too many carbs, I recommend slowing yourself down by buying some peanuts in the shell. Believe me, the shells will slow you the fuck down. You’ll get bored before you get full or eat too many. If you have a peanut allergy, beans are good too. I recommend red kidney beans. They’re also a great source of iron! And protein! I also like raw oats too because my logic is that if horses eat them then they gotta be good. What’s more powerful than a horse? For real, dood, horse and kill wolves with one POWERFUL kick to the dome! Idiot logic like this is a good way to also keep this grind interesting. The dumber the better.

That’s pretty much all I got for today. I’ll dig up the research that I did back in college about what the CDC says about serving sizes. The results will shock you! Little preview: serving sizes are waaaaaay smaller than you think.

In the meanwhile: take yer vitamins, eat yer vegetables, say yer prays, and stay in skool!! GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Here’s a little inspiration to get ya started!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMkC67sEEs8

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