YOUR QUESTIONS ARE IN! You asked ’em! And now we’ve got “helpful” answers to the fistful of stupid questions from DUMBASS MONDAY! Keep it up and hit us up with the stupidest questions you got via email! Or drop us some comments. We’d love to discuss more dumb stuff with ya! Now to your questions:
If every sports mascot in the world did Hunger Games who would win?

My immediate go-to for this one is Sparty the Spartan from Michigan State because he’s got a sword and a helmet and stuff. However, with the baseball season just having ended, I’m reminded of the ever-present and very real threat that is The Philly Phanatic. Fuck that guy. He’s bad news, man. The Philly’s weren’t even in the goddamn playoffs this year and yet there he was. Popping up on TV and ruining everybody’s night with his “funny” antics. I can’t believe that the meanest, shittiest, city in America with the most scumbags per capita is represented by a radioactive booger-muppet. What. This city (Philadelphia) is famous for throwing batteries at people and booing Santa Claus. The Phanatic sucks as a mascot. What the fuck is he? He looks like a big furry bong. Like a bong made out of the dankest of dank nugs, dood. Maybe that’s what this cholo is: a big nasty nug. If the Phanatic was really made of weed, he’d be shitty weed. He’d be sprayed with Windex and WD-40. That’s probably what Philadelphia fans all go HAM on at tailgates. “Oh doood, pass the riot punch! That Lysol weed gave me bad cotton mouth…LET’S GO DO HATE CRIMES!”

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

I used to do prank calls on people with this question. It was fuggin’ hilarious. Hours of chuckles! One time, some dude actually had a real conversation with one of my friends who called him up with this question. He musta really liked Klondike Bars.

Since I’ve been grounding and pounding my way through my RED-ASS DIET I don’t have time for Klondike Bars, bruh. That’s way too much sugar for this big hunk of man. Probably a better question would be how far would I be willing to go for a Klondike Bar. As far as ice cream novelties go, the Klondike Bar is way up there in my book. I think the ice cream sandwich has had it’s day and needs to be put to rest. It’s old and it’s tried. I’ve never liked ice cream sandwiches. If someone promised me ice cream for being good and they gave me an ice cream sandwich I would be so steamed. What an epic ice cream blue balling that is. I don’t know if I’d do jack for a Klondike Bar now that I’m watching my figure but I sure as hell would wage the most FUCKING METAL jihad against ice cream sandwiches if the CEO of Klondike Bar Incorporated would sponsor my righteous crusade. Keep your ice creams! It’s blood which I desire!

What flavor is Mountain Dew?

First of all, don’t drink Mountain Dew. You’ll die of every single kind of cancer. Mountain Dew and all sodas fall under my list of things that are worse for your ass than smoking. And as far as Mountain Dew is concerned, I’m very sure based on my own sources (none) that you’re far better off health-wise smoking a big ol’ clump of whatever the fuck the Philly Phanatic is made of. You might as well drop an OxyClean jagerbomb into your Mountain Dew. That’s how convinced I am that it is nothing but poison.

Flavor wise? Apart from robot urine and aspartame, I think that it tastes like orange juice mixed with a whole bag of confectionery sugar and Alka-Seltzer. With a teaspoon of Metamucil mixed in there for good measure. I’ve always detected a sort of citrus medley going on in there. It’s the color of a dying man’s piss and it sorta tastes like “oranges”. I’ll say citrus medley to be safe!

Which is more accurate? A Ouija Board? Or and 8-Ball?

I’ve never used a Ouija Board but I did a little research and guess what? It doesn’t fucking work when you’re blindfolded. So put ghosts on the list of made up shit right up there with the Tooth Fairy and white Jesus. If you’re wondering about some REAL LIFE SHIT don’t refer to the Ouija Board for advice. That’s dumb. Do you really want Casper’s two cents? I sure as fuck don’t. Ghosts are dicks. The best thing to do is ignore them and if they live in your mom’s basement with you just do what I did and put the cat box in the corner where they keep showing up. That’ll learn ’em good. I’m still waiting for the ghosts in my mom’s basement to get off their lazy asses and clean up my cat’s dirty liter. If they’re not payin’ rent the LEAST they could do is lend a hand or sumthing.

I like using the 8-Ball because if I don’t get the answer that I want I just shake it violently until it agrees with me. You don’t get that kind of satisfaction from giving Casper a handy just for some simple yes’s or no’s. Don’t give Casper a handy; buy an 8-Ball or cheap out and flip a coin. OR! Just ask the internets!

Why wasn’t Frankenstein on the Top 10 Halloween Monsters list?

Ok so if you read my TOP 10 Halloween Monsters article, you may have noticed that Frankenstein received no love. I’m gonna go full Skip Bayless here and say HE DIDN’T DESERVE IT! My sweet Halloween Monster Power Ranking system was flawless! My Power Rankings were based on my simple but proven monster algorithm: is this monster likely to come for your nuts? And if so, how unstoppable is that monster? How utterly FUCKED are you if this monster is coming for your nuts? This is a proven method and I will not apologize for my rankings. My rankings were dope. Where are YOUR rankings, BRO? Oh didn’t have time to crank out a 5,000 word article on your top 10 favorite Halloween monsters? Booooo hooo hoooo hooooooohooooooo. I MADE time goddammit! I will not be subjected to this kind of unfounded criticism!

Frankenstein can try to come for my nuts all he likes he’s never gonna catch me or sneak up on my unsuspecting ass. No way, man. I got his number. Frankenstein’s compete level blows. He does not have a very high ceiling. His kill/death ratio wasn’t even that impressive in the book where he had HELLA strength AND an incredible capacity for language. I could take on either of those Frankensteins any day, brother! Bring ’em on! I wouldn’t even bother to stretch first.

Does true love exist?

Sure. Once I get my drinking problem under control I’ll get back to ya!

Which is the worst super power?

I’m not saying Aqua Man because that’s low hanging fruit and I’m a big shot writerer on the internets now so I refuse to stoop to cracking wise on Aqua Man. That’s a slippery slope. I’ll hang up my thesaurASS before I embarrASS myself by going for cheap laughs BUTT I think that the X-Men corner the market on shitty powers. Think about it for a minute. Cyclops is blind and any time he opens his eyes he shoots lasers everywhere (pew-pew!). That blows. That dude can’t even aim; that’s not even special or cool. That’s a hindrance to daily tasks. Cyclops probably buys the wrong kind of milk at the grocery store every weekend. FUCKING 2%?? FUCK! Magneto’s lame too. He’s just like a shitty Jedi. He’s kinda got the Force but really, other than being the coolest guy in your frat because you can crush mad beer cans on your forehead, what else is that really good for? I bet the Philly Phanatic has killed WAY more innocent people than Magneto. Philly Phanatic’s kill/death ratio is pretty ballin’.

I want exactly none of the X-Men’s powers. I’d rather be Hellboy! He had the best power: he was from HELL! That’s so fucking metal. Gimme that big fist made of fucking rocks so I can Hulk-punch my way out of any situation. And he had a gun. That’s an unstoppable combination if you as me. I’ll take the powers of gun + fist made of red ASSfalt. Hellboy easily has the dopest powers and, by far, Dr. X has the worst: fucking polio. (pew-PEW!)

How do you know if you can’t eat gluten?

Idk. Eat a buncha gluten and see what happens! Guess and check! Or ask Miles. He doesn’t have a thyroid.

What if cats were human-sized?

I really hope this doesn’t happen. Changing the liter box is gross enough already.

Is jail dirty?

Probably! Ask Aja!

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