Happy Guy Fawkes Day! November 5th, 2015! Today, 410 years ago, Shakespeare destroyed the armies of Mordor with a small, crack team of Berserkers dressed as foxes. They were known as the “Guy Fawkes” but this was before spelling was invented. Tragically, Bill Shakespeare died in an EPIC naked girl avalanche after winning one final, victorious game of ale-pong. The Bard’s inspired last words were, “…Metallica RULES!”
I first heard about Guy Fawkes day from my Welsh auntie and uncle who helped raise me and my brother when we were very young. Cymru Am Byth, baby! So yes, I am unabashedly pulling out the hipster card on this one. I’VE EARNED IT. I knew about this shit before I saw the movie “V for Vendetta”.
OMG when I was 12-years-old, man, EPIC nerdgasm. For real though, when I was 12, I thought this movie was about Jack the Ripper coming back from the dead and FUCKING EVERYBODY UP. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was a little more cerebral than that.
If you’re an American dudebro like myself but weren’t lucky enough to be raised by a Welsh auntie and uncle and wanna celebrate British Cinco de Novembro, then you’re in the right place, amigo!
OFF THE TOP OF MY DOME:
Ok so, without cheating, from what I remember about the stinky cinco (de Novembro) is that this terrorist back in the Stuart Era tried to blow up the English Parliament. Before I scurry over to Wikipedia for clarification, I’m pretty sure that Guy Fawkes was a Catholic hater of King James? This happened before the English Civil War right? After Elizabeth? Before the War and Restoration? 1605 was the year and the only reason I remember that is because “V for Vendetta” came out in 2005, which was exactly 400 years later. The Catholics in England got uppity and Sly and the family Fawkes decided they were gonna blow Parliament into the Thames by stashing a fuck ton of gun powder in the basement and lighting that shit up. But homie got caught and wound up in the Tower of London and they cut off his johnson. That’s what happened right? LET’S SEE WHAT THE INTERNETS SAY.
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED:
Turns out I was kinda close! According to the internets, on November 5, 1605 a group of English Catholics tried to blow up Parliament because King James I, who succeeded Elizabeth I, was PISSED after surviving an attempt on his life and quit dicking around with being tolerant of Catholicism. He was done with that tolerance shit; it nearly cost him his life so fuck that noise. King James I was a die-hard Protestant and was the force behind the very popular King James Bible; he’s the guy who is mostly responsible for the publishing of the Bible in the English language. His translation is still the standard for all English versions of the Bible (sources: living in ‘Merica). He was also fucking terrified of witches and made a point of it to rock their shit.
Guy Fawkes, who had previously fought for Spain in the Spanish Netherlands (Belgium/the Lowlands) in the Eight Years War, joined in a Catholic conspiracy to blow up Parliament with 36 barrels of gunpowder. That doesn’t really seem like enough gunpowder to me but ok. I’m willing to accept the fact that people were way, WAY stupider back in the day. That’s my favorite part about history and where I get my near-blind optimism for the human race and the future. People back in the day were straight up dumb as hell. I’ve been to London and seen Parliament and peeped it with my own two peepers…that’s a bigass building you fellas across the pond got. GUNPOWDER CAN’T MELT STEEL BEAMS!
According to my sources, Guy Fawkes got caught balls deep in the cookie jar and his ass went straight to jail because somebody ratted out him and his terrorist buddies before they could light ‘er up. Fuggin’ snitches, dood! Sounds like Puritan Scooby Doo got all up in their business. This was the first time in history somebody didn’t get away with something awful because of meddling kids. Apparently, somebody (Ruritan Rooby-Rooby Roo!) wrote a letter to the authorities and that’s how everybody got busted. That’s why you don’t let literate dudes into your terrorist organization. You think that ISIS makes literacy a requirement for new membership? DOUBT IT. The Taliban certainly doesn’t. The Taliban hates literacy almost as much as they hate women’s rights. The Taliban sucks. All terrorists suck. Don’t be a terrorist.
Fawkesie Sha-Zam was tortured and interrogated in the Tower of London. He eventually broke and was sentenced to execution by means of the ol’ “hanged, drawn, ‘n quartered”. Turns out that Guy Fawkes wasn’t actually a complete idiot. He knew that they were coming for his nuts. For real though, part of his execution was to be hanged and then his genitals were going to be cut off and burned in front of his eyes. After they cut off his johnson, he and his fellow conspirators convicted of treason were to be disemboweled and then chopped into four pieces and their remains were to be spread across the four corners of the kingdom. Guy Fawkes said fuck that and somehow managed to break his neck by jumping off the scaffolding from which he was to be hanged. So, he avoided the gnarliness of living through the rest of his torture but the executioners followed through on the mutilation of his lifeless corpse anyway because back then everybody was a fucking savage.
I want to wish our British homies a Happy Guy Fawkes Day!! I hope you have a fun stinky Cinco de Novembro. Be safe with your bonfires and stuff and careful with those fireworks. Salud!