Chug a bunch of coffee and get back in shape

THE RED-ASS DIET day 4: Fighting the Fatigue Monster

Hitting a hiccup when one begins a diet is not a huge deal. Unless it’s only day three and you decide to go HAM on enough pizza, cookies, and ice cream to successfully cater an obese kindergartener’s house party. It was only a matter of time before my inevitable sugar crash. I must have eaten enough candy to survive almost a full 72-hours without dying but yesterday I had an EPIC meltdown. It was bound to happen sooner or later but I’m glad I got it out of the way early! Lemme break down dietary break downs for ya in today’s review of the new RED-ASS DIET! Ground and pound your way to sexiness! Here are some of the bad habits I’m replacing with goodass habits:


OOoooook, eating a family sized bag of Cape Cod potato chips is NOT on the menu. But last night it was! In the name of science though, at the very least I can now confirm that junk food does give you nightmares. Bad nightmares. Don’t do this to yourself.

Alternative: Don’t eat 3 hours before bed. That 3-hour window is a caloric minefield. I had probably somewhere around 10,000 calories within five minutes of falling asleep. Ay carumba. Waking up a little hungry is another way to get yourself out of bed. It’s gotten cold as shit here in New Hampshire and if I don’t have a good reason to get out of bed then I find it insanely difficult. Also, this is a good way to get accurate morning weigh-ins on the scale.


I just got hired to work in an office as an administrative assistant. Waking up early is not easy. Neither is staying awake all day. I don’t know how people do it without coffee but they do. For me, chugging mad coffee is the only way to go.

A move that I like is putting out a cup of coffee on my nightstand just before I go to bed so that when I wake up in the morning I can just grab it and suck that bad boy down. This sounds like the behavior of a psycho but lemme tell ya something, this is HIGHLY effective. I definitely recommend it as long as you don’t have a heart condition.

KEEP IT LEAN! Don’t put sugar or cream in your coffee. If you like milk (I think it’s disgusting but do whatever you want) then throw some milk in there. Soy milk is another good alternative to cream and sugar. I like soy milk better than milk milk because I think the extraction process is way less disgusting. All I can think about when I drink milk is that it’s cow piss. I know that is not how it works but to me this is somehow worse. I’d rather drink urine than milk. Anybody’s urine. I don’t care what animal it comes from. Keep your milks to yourself. Yuck.


Smoking makes me tired. I don’t know about other people but I do not get all JAZZED UP when I smoke cigarettes. I am trying to quit but I just got this new job working full time in an office so this week may just not be the week but hey if keeps me from drinking or doing marijuanas then it could be worse! Still gonna quit soon though. I’ll keep ya informed!

Don’t eat pizza. But if you do, don’t eat a bunch of it. One slice is good. Two is more than fine. But a pie? Pie and a half? That’s insane. That transcends eating your feelings (guilty!) that’s not good. Like most things (drugs) once I start, I can’t stop. I imagine a scenario where I’ll have a heart attack mid-pizza spree and just say fuck it keep going. I won’t call 911 until there is no more pizza left. Pizza’s too good, man. It should come with a warning label.

Naps are good. I used to hate naps because I hated fucking with my sleep schedule but I’ve changed my mind. If I’m tired, I sleep. I sleep all the time and I can fall asleep ANYWHERE. I pride myself on this ability. If you need to sleep, just sleep. Don’t worry about sleeping. If you try to stay up, you’re likely to just keep shoveling empty calories in your mouth hole. And that’s not being a RED-ASS! I’ve got some mannin’ up to do in this department. Pro tip: sleep all the time.

EXERCISE: Hopefully this weekend I’ll be getting back to cardio because I feel like my blood has turned into jelly donut filling. Tasty! But a little worrisome. In the meanwhile, all in all, this seems to be working! Goodass job!

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