Alcoholics Anonymous is a big commitment. It’s a lifestyle more than anything. Or at least that is what I have gathered thus far. There are a lot of good things about AA. The community, the “fellowship”, the stories, and the people. It’s all about the people. Joe Strummer, lead singer of the band The Clash, said, “Without people you’re nothing.” I agree with that. Everybody I’ve met in AA has been cool. Some people are a little wonky but who isn’t? The local AA community here in New Hampshire has been very warm and welcoming to me. I’m not even from here really but none the less I’ve found the halls to be inclusive and friendly. But today, I’m not feelin’ it.
I’m trying to start over since dropping out of college (again). Third time’s the charm, bro! I take my sobriety very serious. It’s hard not to after the nasty relapse I’ve just gone through. As much as I’d like to be doing the AA thing, I don’t want to half-ass it. From what I understand, it seems like ya kinda gotta be all in. I’m all in on sobriety 100%. But like most others who suffer from addiction, I also am struggling with depression and anxiety disorders. My mental health is BALLS. I’d really like to sort that stuff out with medication and therapy and manage it before I make a big lifestyle commitment to ANYTHING. College, career, and all those things. I don’t want to sound like a toolbox (too late I’m already writing a blog lololol) but I really don’t have a whole bunch of time to get immersed in AA the way that I’d like to. Do I have time to hit up a meager one hour meeting per week? Yes I do. I even got time for two meetings a week! I do really like the meetings but I think I grabbed a sponsor too soon.
One of my worst habits is isolating. This is dangerous. But at the same time, I feel like I need to take a moment to get my head screwed on right rather than just jumping in to anything. I am getting better about reaching out to my friends. That was the whole reason I started this blog with my two best friends from high school. Two weeks in and it’s been the best thing that I’ve done for myself since getting sober. I love my friends and reading the articles they have writen has kept me going. We’re all spread across the country and rarely see each other. I’ve moved around a lot in my life and all of my best friends live someplace else: Seattle, LA, Portland, Toledo, Chicago, NY, Boston, and even New Jersey. I don’t talk to all of the people that I love and grew up with as much as I’d like. I really feel like a jackass because I sound like Drake but really “no new friendz” isn’t what I’m trying to say. Before I get involved in the AA community, I want to get back in touch with the people who have kept me going and stayed with me through the tough times. The people who have always been there for me even when I wasn’t strong enough to reach out. The AA crowd’s cool but I still need to get back in touch with my old friends because the truth is that I’ve been a shitty friend. A wicked shitty friend.
Sobriety and Alcoholics Anonymous are not mutually exclusive. People can stay sober with or without AA just like how people can also fail to stay sober both in AA or out of it. I’m not against AA. I think it’s a good thing and so far I’ve enjoyed my time in AA and it’s been a very good experience. However, I’ve gotta get a job first. I’ve gotta sort out my meds first. And as far as addiction goes, I’m craving weed more than alcohol and I need to find out why.
I have not had any real cravings for alcohol specifically in a long time. I can’t remember wanting to drink at all since I went to detox. But I keep having weed cravings. And AA is not talking about weed. I need to talk about weed.
The “Big Book” is rad….but it doesn’t talk about marijuana. What in the fuck is the deal with the pots? That’s what I’m trying to figure out right now.
I’m willing to admit that I’m in over my head with Alcoholics Anonymous and I do not have the juice to be committed. And I don’t want to feel like a fraud for attending the meetings but not “working the program”. Maybe later, when I don’t feel like a fucking lunatic, sure I’ll work the program. I’ll RIP through those 12 steps. Slam dunk ’em like Serge Ibaka! JUST WIN BABY! In the meanwhile, however, I just want to watch Sunday Night Football, man.
What I’m concerned with is getting judged. I have no real reason to be preemptively worried about this. Literally, nobody’s been a dick and I don’t expect them too. I just do not what this to get awkward when I blue ball my sponsor. You feel me?
Hopefully, everybody in AA remains cool. I expect that they will. Mostly, I’m wondering how everybody else’s experiences in AA have been? Hope your sobriety is going well.