We all have that one friend who has the ability to make us laugh uncontrollably. Every morning, I wake up to a series of missed Google chats from Ted and Miles, arguing about some topic, usually with Ted in ALL CAPS. Ted is an ALL CAPS type of motherfucker.

But in all honesty, since today is Friday the 13th, and folks are on edge, time to cheer up the masses with some of the best Ted Esten quotes, straight from the Book of Ted. Not in your Bible? Strange, it’s totally in mine. Level up, bro.

I’ll attempt to provide some context to these -isms, but… you’ve read the articles. You know how he is by now.

“Hook em Horns!” -Dover, NH, March, 2015

Ted and I sat on a frosty March evening, teapot hot, with NCAA (American College/University basketball, for our foreign readers) brackets in our hands. I knew so little about the importance of NCAA to the young, white male before Ted Esten. That above quote refers to, I think, the University of Texas Longhorns?

“Chill Down, DOOD.” Dover, NH, March, 2015

Whenever anyone, including Ted, gets a bit…much, never hesitate to quote his chain-smoking, bong-ripping, Chinese cohorts and do the above.

“Beer in the Mall!” Toledo, OH, June, 2012

Ah, my 19th birthday. Ted, two of my college friends, and I celebrated at a BD Mongolian BBQ and snuck a CLEAR WATER BOTTLE full of perhaps Bud Light or some other pisswater pilsner into the local mall roof. Ah, good times. I recall my hair being on fleek as well. Alas, this was in the throes of the heavy imbibing times.

“You have a Jesus complex. Get of the cross, fagit” Google Chats, November, 2015

Hahaha. Still funny.

You’re grinding weed, you’ve got time…” Google Chats, October, 2015

Ted equates time with the ability to be able to grind copious amounts of marijuana for immediate consumption.

Gotta love Ted ❤

Watch out for Top 5 Miles Lark Quotes coming soon!

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