Yesterday, as I expected, I got smacked in the face with alcohol cravings. I had using dreams the night before coupled with some deeply upsetting anxiety dreams. Not fun. I took a sick day because around this time of year I know that I am at my most vulnerable as an alcoholic. It’s a fucked up chicken or egg scenario: am I drinking because I’m depressed and dealing with anxiety? or am I battling heaping amounts of depression and anxiety because of my drinking? I used to wrestle with this question all the time and I still don’t have a good answer. It’s obnoxious but that’s my reality. One thing that has helped recently is saying fuck it and just not getting into it with myself. It’s all bad upstairs in my head. No need to get bogged down and start ruminating. I’ve found that the more I think, the easier it is to get tricked into making the wrong decision.
These days (officially 4 months sober) when I get the cravings or end up in a compromising situation, I just shut it down. I believe that the AA term is “stinkin’ thinkin'” and that really is exactly what it is. My solution is recognizing the issue or the tricky situation and acknowledging that I do not have the juice to wrangle this shit. If I have the juice and feel strong enough to manage, then I hang with it and take it on. If I don’t got the juice, I shut it down and go into brainless mode. This is where dumb games like Agar.io come in.
Sometimes it takes depositing that beast of addiction into something less harmless like stupid computer games. Reading is another good idea. Or exercising. But when I feel down, I just like firing up something nice and mindless. It seriously helps!
I’ve gotten better about admitting what my pace is for any particular day or scenario. Sometimes I’m good and sometimes I’ve got nothing to give. Bad day? FIRE UP AGAR.IO. I don’t even feel bad about spending an entire day dicking around on this game that is clearly made for bored-ass middle schoolers. I have no idea what could be better to be perfectly honest.
It’s live so you play as this Pac-Man blob against a bunch of other blobs and you eat confetti and try to eat other people. Holy shit if you’re jimmies are rustled or the alcohol cravings and depression have given you a BAD case of holiday butthurt then you GOTTA get on that Agar.io, homie. I like naming my blob after infectious diseases like E. coli! It’s fun!
Truth be told, I do feel a little guilty about spending an ENTIRE FUCKING DAY playing this stupid little game. But you know what? It kept me from drinking. Wallowing in guilt about “being a bum” is a really bad thing to do and it’s a real waste of time. If this is what it takes then it’s all good, man! I also kind of had to get it out of my system because I like playing this game at work a liiiiiiiittle too much. But otherwise, I highly recommend Agar.io if you’re having a bad day. It’ll put a smile on your face! All those colorful confettis, doood? It’s like this game was MADE for depressed people. It’s dope.