The Red Sox Remain Fucked

I hate David Price and I can’t fucking believe we’ve signed him. Principle owners of the Boston Red Sox John Henry and Tom Werner, who proudly carry themselves like a couple of gigantic human penises, are a fucking paradox. On one hand, they’ve won 3 World Series Championships in less than a full 15 years of owning this team. All three Championships were won with their fellow man-sized penis Larry Lucchino along for the ride. Lucchino is gone now having retired back in October of this year. I’ll be honest, I kinda miss him! The Penii- Triumvirate that once ruled strong over Dunkin Donuts Athletic Stadium Fenway Park is now kaput. The most human member of this cadre of rich losers has left us at the mercy of two old creeps. I wouldn’t trust John Henry or Tom Werner to be in my kitchen for even just five fucking minutes alone with my dog and a cupboard full of peanut-butter. Much peanut-butter. Why sausage. Such wrong.

Last year, Dunkin Donuts Loyalty Rewards Club Members Red Sox Nation, was told that we didn’t need an “Ace” in a rotation to be a good playoff team. We finished at the bottom of the AL East for the second year in a row. This is where I’d like to point out that we had a shot at signing the following pitchers: John Lester, Max Scherzer, Zack Greinke, and anybody else that we fucking wanted because we are an insanely rich baseball team. But who did we get? Well last year, we got human wet-fart Hanley Ramirez and a morbidly obese Oriental bear disguised as a portly Venezuelan man. Hanley made everybody want to kill themselves and I blame him for every single bad thing that happened last season. Hanley Ramirez was such a wet-fart, that his negativity even dosed the eternal competitive drive to grind of All Star Brock Holt. For those of you international readers, Brock Holt is the Johan Cruyff of baseball. Brock Holt is ELITE. The man is the ultimate gamer and a natural leader of men. His VORP is calculated in English Pounds. He’s the guy that you wanna got to war with. But Hanley hurt his grind and thus brought the whole team down with him. Oh, and Pablo Sandoval died from a diabetes induced heart attack. He was revived with 20cc’s of cup cakes though so he’ll be back next year.

Red Sox ownership has given us three losing seasons at the bottom of or trawling along the bottom of the division in the last four years. Yes there was a World Series Championship in between but Jonny Gomes won that for us so I’m not giving ownership credit for 2013. And David Ortiz gets the credit for acquiring Jonny Gomes because he said “oh man, that’s a guy I wanna go to war with!” And he made it so! But now the solution to being the best worst baseball team of all time? We’ve not got the least clutch Cy Young winner of all time: David Price. Fuck me.

If Hanley Ramirez was a wet-fart, then David Price is a burr that’s suck up your ass. WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE??? GET HIM OUT! GET HIM OUT!! I hope everybody’s ready for the pitching equivalent to Carl Crawford. Jesus. We’re so fucked. David Price is either going to be a chode and prove me wrong, win 20 games, take us to the playoffs after Buchholz dies from Ebola, and then Price will end up pitching for us in the Wildcard Game and get fucking creamed by a lean, mean, and stone-cold sober CC Sabathia and the Yankees. I can see it now and it makes me want to die. We’re gonna play the Yankees in the Wildcard Play-in game and we’re gonna lose. Badly. A-Rod’s going to hit four grand salami’s and announce his retirement tour. Pedro Gomez is going to gargle so much mayonnaise. I hope that P-Gomz likes peanut-butter too because I see a very long and very sad, dark future following around Alex Rodriguez until he retires.

David Ortiz says that the beef is over between him and Price. But I sure fuck hope not. That beef better still be mooing, bruh. I can’t watch another season of this. I can’t watch Mookie Betts want to kill himself every time he gets stranded on base. I don’t want to see Junichi Tazawa spill water all over himself on the bench in the bullpen after giving up a five run lead and recording zero outs and not even giving a fuck that he now wet AND sucks at baseball. John Farrell is going to come back from heroically beating cancer only to be set up to fail by the douche bags who run this shop. Xander Bogaerts will leave and go to the Yankees and get benched so Stephen Drew can get some reps in and Bogaerts won’t care because at least he isn’t balls deep in Dunkin Donuts cross promotions and Wally the Green Monster constantly asking what’s his gamertag. The saddest part will be that Pedroia and Ortiz will die without the glorious end that they deserve. It won’t be pretty. It’ll be gruesome and boring. And Brock Holt will be just RAKING and crushing the ball and winning the triple crown all for nothing because no matter how many dingers he smashes, it will never be enough to make up for Price’s 8.26 ERA. We should just go ahead and bring Jake Peavy back. Jake Peavy may have sucked, but at least he was a psycho and not a gigantic pussy like Price is.

Opening day, I hope Price gets booed because we won’t get a shot at ownership. I’m calling it right now, Price won’t make it past the trade deadline. MARK MY WORDS. Pepper your angus, Red Sox Nation. David Price and our shit-ass ownership is coming for our nuts.

jimmies-rustled

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