One of my favorite movies of all time is Silver Linings Playbook. It’s just delightful. And it’s nice to see a movie that doesn’t glorify or exploit mental illness. But lemme tell ya something: in real life, after a little time in the psych-ward or detox, coming home is not the sexy, star-studded romp that they make it out to be. Especially the second time around. I’m a veteran now, but I do occasionally make some rookie mistakes.
It’s not cool to live at home. But sometimes, you gotta do it. Now, I could definitely pay rent for my own place because since I quit drugs and drinking, I’ve got more money than I know what to do with. However, I’d rather not live in squalor and I’d also rather finish college/pay off my loans from the comfort of my basement. It’s embarrassing and I feel like such a lame but I just remind myself that this is temporary and better than living in an opium den; as much as I kinda would love to just live in an opium den and just quit.
At 22 years old, there is nothing more embarrassing or humbling than your mom being mad at you. So much shame. The only thing that really makes my mom mad is when I break shit. I generally try to handle all things with care because breaking shit (especially your own shit) is dumb. I’m too old to think breaking shit is funny. It’s one of the greatest losses when you grown up.
Sometimes, breaking shit is unavoidable; like when you get locked out of your house and need to break in through a window.
If you get locked out of your house, don’t try to break in. It’s generally not a good idea to break into anybody’s house for any reason but sometimes you forget your keys and you’re fucked. My go-to move is usually (after panicking) looking for an unlocked window and trying to crawl through it. The problem with that is that most windows have screens on them. If you are lucky enough to find an unlocked window that you don’t need to scurry up the drainpipe to get to, you’re good to go! However, when I lock myself out and need to bust back in and there’s a screen between me and freedom (Xbox), I just take a sharp pebble or something and slash the screen and then crawl through the unlocked window. Now, the problem is that you’re going to have to replace the screen and that costs money. Worse than having to pay for a new screen, your mom is going to be PISSED when she eventually finds that screen you’ve slashed. My recommendation, if you do find yourself in this precarious situation after your lonely and sad cigarette break from Xbox Live, is to slash the screen, crawl through the window, remove the screen and hide it in the basement. If the window that you crawl through is in your kitchen or living room, then remove the slashed screen and replace it with a screen from a less-used window. Then hide that shit in the basement. It’s the perfect crime!
Desperate times call for desperate measures but it’s probably a better idea to just wait for an adult to get home and help your dumb ass out. Even though I’ve broken back in several times and slashed many a screen in my day (once with a bullet casing! what a badass) I don’t think that you should do this. Worst case scenario, the neighbors will do the responsible thing and call 911 and then you’ll get arrested. Or if you do “get away with it” your mom will still be pissed. I recommend avoiding the entire situation and just taking the extra time to remember your goddamn keys. If you’re an idiot, like myself, months later when you have to replace the screen (today) you’ll end up spending your entire Saturday at the hardware store. Don’t do that to yourself. I have no idea how much this is going to cost but I’ll post it when I get back!