Christmas is in less than two weeks. What. I only just got rid of my jack-o-laterns because my candy-ass neighbors were complaining about that rotten pumpkin smell. (I told them it wasn’t me). This time of year can bring out the worst in people. Sometimes though, it can also bring out the best. I personally like the festive aesthetic of the holidays. Not just Christmas either. I like that we’ve also got Kwanzaa and Hanukkah going on. Ramadan gets pushed back a month every year because it’s on a different calendar but one of these years when we’ve got Ramadan in December (2030 or 2031?) it’s gonna be off the chain. I like to think that everybody’s got something to celebrate in December just before the year ends. If nothing else, at least you can celebrate the New Year.
I live in New Hampshire and it’s been sunny and 65 degrees for a full month now. It’s more like early spring than mid-December. My brain’s all confused and it’s telling me that it’s baseball season spring training time. Last year, we had 12ft of snow by Halloween and like forty blizzard deaths. This “winter” has been a joke. I really like snow, so I’m pretty bummed out that we don’t have heaps of it. I do like the sun and really appreciate all that it does for us and I also realize that we’d all perish without the sun’s generous gifts of beams and photons and heat but I prefer the dark and the gloom because I’m a edgy weener. I don’t know what it is but I like the cold and the darkness way more than the sun and the heat. I like heat, but not all the time. I like the cold because I feel like it stimulates my very limited survival instincts. It’s strangely motivating and I also think that it makes people appreciate the importantly things like not dying alone in the snow. When the sun’s out all the time, I don’t fear death or respect life the way that I should. Sunny days aren’t fucking METAL. The sun didn’t even dare show its face in Mordor. The only sources of light in Mordor were the all seeing eye of Sauron and the lava exploding out of Mount Doom. Now that’s where I want to live, man. Fuck the Shire. The Hobbits were way too soft with their sunny days and green grass and quaint little ponds full of duckies. The Orcs knew what was good. You don’t have to mow your front lawn if it’s made of fucking ash. I’d love to have a yard that was just ash and sand. I’d never have to mow it or bathe it in Scott’s Turf Builder Agent Orange and worry about neighborhood children and dogs dying on my lawn because they didn’t heed the little yellow sign that said “WATCH THE FUCK OUT! THIS SHIT WILL KILL YOU!” I once went sunbathing shirtless on a field that was covered in grass feed poison. I’ve never been itchier or more miserable in my life. The worst skin cancer inducing sunburn is nothing more than a sweet tickle compared to a chemical burn. That encounter with the grass poison was my one shot at being a Marvel superhero. I coulda been GRASS-MAN! If the shit that I was rolling around in had contained traces of nuclear fallout then I would have all of the powers of a well kept lawn. My hair would be made of neon green grass and I’d smell like a summertime fresh cut lawn. My arch nemesis would be a Transformer who morphed into a lawn mower. GRASS-MAN vs. CHOPTIMUS PRIME would be an awesome comic book. I hate superheroes and all of these movies that keep coming out because it’s been so overdone and it really should have ended with The Dark Knight but I would go out of my way to see a movie where a Decepticon turns into a gigantic killer lawn mower and fights a gigantic grass monster.
This year is almost over. My 2015 felt much longer than just 365 days. This year felt like a lifetime. I did a lot of stuff. Good, bad, and ugly, I’ve come out the at other end 2015 just happy that I survived.
- Finished my first year at UNH.
- Broke my arm.
- I danced in big ballet production put on by the UNH Dance Company.
- I survived the explosion of a lipoma inside my leg. Had the worst staph infection this ER doc had ever seen in his life. Luckily, I didn’t lose my leg!
- I smoked a lot of weed (mostly because my leg died and my arm got destroyed all at the same time).
- I saw my best friends (my brothers) graduate from Emerson College.
- I recorded some great songs with my band (you prolly didn’t hear it–we’re pretty indie/underground lololololol).
- I had a nasty relapse with alcohol.
- I went to detox and rehab and have been sober and happier ever since!
- I got to be in my mom’s wedding with my brother and my step sisters.
- I went to some AA meetings to find out what it was all about. Met some good people there!
- I started this blog.
- I got a cool job in an office and made some good friends.
- Turned 22 (going on 78).
- Set a personal record for consecutive days sober! By New Year’s Eve, I will have been completely drug and alcohol free for over five months.
When I look back, that’s not a bad list of things that happened in what I would describe as probably the worst year of my life. If that’s the worst year I’ve ever had, I’m probably doing doing something right.
I hate New Year’s Eve. I think it’s dumb. I don’t understand it. If you do like New Year’s, then that’s cool I won’t be a dickhead about it. My favorite holidays are Halloween, The Major League Baseball All-Star Weekend, Cinco de Mayo, All Saints Day, Chinese New Year, and Ramadan; so really to each his own, bro. The only thing that I like about New Year’s is the Twilight Zone marathon on Sci Fi channel. This New Year’s though I’m happy to be not only be alive but also sober, employed, and have things finally looking up. All in all, it was a rough year for rich homie Ted but the future is looking bright and I’m ready for a goodass 2016. My New Year’s Resolution? To be like Waka Flocka and wear some headgear because this year I’m going hard. This time around I’ll try not to foul out.