Hollywood: “Football Is Bad For Your Health.”

Now that Will Smith is playing Dr. Bennet Omalu in the new film Concussion, all of the sudden we’re all freaking out about the dangers of playing American Football. It’s way too easy to get cynical about every single aspect of this situation. There’s layers to this: 1). the NFL is more evil than Big Tobacco  and the Galactic Empire combined, 2). the information that has been brought fourth by recent studies on concussions and the affect of multiple concussions on the human brain have showed some terrifying results and a direct connection to playing football, 3). nobody has really cared about the dangers of multiple concussions and the increased risk of suffering from severe brain damage and playing football until now because Hollywood has made a fictionalized explainer version of it to spoon feed us information, 4). the American public seems to be more consumed by this issue than all other more pressing matters that we probably should address before we get around to the number one sport in this country. There is a lot to get butthurt over here. As a football fan myself, it’s really not a huge deal to me. If anything, I’m finding the positive in it. Read More

The Red Sox Remain Fucked

I hate David Price and I can’t fucking believe we’ve signed him. Principle owners of the Boston Red Sox John Henry and Tom Werner, who proudly carry themselves like a couple of gigantic human penises, are a fucking paradox. On one hand, they’ve won 3 World Series Championships in less than a full 15 years of owning this team. All three Championships were won with their fellow man-sized penis Larry Lucchino along for the ride. Lucchino is gone now having retired back in October of this year. I’ll be honest, I kinda miss him! The Penii- Triumvirate that once ruled strong over Dunkin Donuts Athletic Stadium Fenway Park is now kaput. The most human member of this cadre of rich losers has left us at the mercy of two old creeps. I wouldn’t trust John Henry or Tom Werner to be in my kitchen for even just five fucking minutes alone with my dog and a cupboard full of peanut-butter. Much peanut-butter. Why sausage. Such wrong.

Last year, Dunkin Donuts Loyalty Rewards Club Members Red Sox Nation, was told that we didn’t need an “Ace” in a rotation to be a good playoff team. We finished at the bottom of the AL East for the second year in a row. This is where I’d like to point out that we had a shot at signing the following pitchers: John Lester, Max Scherzer, Zack Greinke, and anybody else that we fucking wanted because we are an insanely rich baseball team. But who did we get? Well last year, we got human wet-fart Hanley Ramirez and a morbidly obese Oriental bear disguised as a portly Venezuelan man. Hanley made everybody want to kill themselves and I blame him for every single bad thing that happened last season. Hanley Ramirez was such a wet-fart, that his negativity even dosed the eternal competitive drive to grind of All Star Brock Holt. For those of you international readers, Brock Holt is the Johan Cruyff of baseball. Brock Holt is ELITE. The man is the ultimate gamer and a natural leader of men. His VORP is calculated in English Pounds. He’s the guy that you wanna got to war with. But Hanley hurt his grind and thus brought the whole team down with him. Oh, and Pablo Sandoval died from a diabetes induced heart attack. He was revived with 20cc’s of cup cakes though so he’ll be back next year.

Red Sox ownership has given us three losing seasons at the bottom of or trawling along the bottom of the division in the last four years. Yes there was a World Series Championship in between but Jonny Gomes won that for us so I’m not giving ownership credit for 2013. And David Ortiz gets the credit for acquiring Jonny Gomes because he said “oh man, that’s a guy I wanna go to war with!” And he made it so! But now the solution to being the best worst baseball team of all time? We’ve not got the least clutch Cy Young winner of all time: David Price. Fuck me.

If Hanley Ramirez was a wet-fart, then David Price is a burr that’s suck up your ass. WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE??? GET HIM OUT! GET HIM OUT!! I hope everybody’s ready for the pitching equivalent to Carl Crawford. Jesus. We’re so fucked. David Price is either going to be a chode and prove me wrong, win 20 games, take us to the playoffs after Buchholz dies from Ebola, and then Price will end up pitching for us in the Wildcard Game and get fucking creamed by a lean, mean, and stone-cold sober CC Sabathia and the Yankees. I can see it now and it makes me want to die. We’re gonna play the Yankees in the Wildcard Play-in game and we’re gonna lose. Badly. A-Rod’s going to hit four grand salami’s and announce his retirement tour. Pedro Gomez is going to gargle so much mayonnaise. I hope that P-Gomz likes peanut-butter too because I see a very long and very sad, dark future following around Alex Rodriguez until he retires.

David Ortiz says that the beef is over between him and Price. But I sure fuck hope not. That beef better still be mooing, bruh. I can’t watch another season of this. I can’t watch Mookie Betts want to kill himself every time he gets stranded on base. I don’t want to see Junichi Tazawa spill water all over himself on the bench in the bullpen after giving up a five run lead and recording zero outs and not even giving a fuck that he now wet AND sucks at baseball. John Farrell is going to come back from heroically beating cancer only to be set up to fail by the douche bags who run this shop. Xander Bogaerts will leave and go to the Yankees and get benched so Stephen Drew can get some reps in and Bogaerts won’t care because at least he isn’t balls deep in Dunkin Donuts cross promotions and Wally the Green Monster constantly asking what’s his gamertag. The saddest part will be that Pedroia and Ortiz will die without the glorious end that they deserve. It won’t be pretty. It’ll be gruesome and boring. And Brock Holt will be just RAKING and crushing the ball and winning the triple crown all for nothing because no matter how many dingers he smashes, it will never be enough to make up for Price’s 8.26 ERA. We should just go ahead and bring Jake Peavy back. Jake Peavy may have sucked, but at least he was a psycho and not a gigantic pussy like Price is.

Opening day, I hope Price gets booed because we won’t get a shot at ownership. I’m calling it right now, Price won’t make it past the trade deadline. MARK MY WORDS. Pepper your angus, Red Sox Nation. David Price and our shit-ass ownership is coming for our nuts.

jimmies-rustled

Work(ed) at a Call Center? Here’s A State-by-State Breakdown of Customer Service Nightmares!

A Customer Service Agent’s State-by-State Review of Callers From Every Corner of the USA

Two days into quitting smoking I feel pretty awesome. Yesterday I had a 11 and a half hour day at the office and survived without a cigarette. Today, at the end of my shift, I got in my car to leave and it wouldn’t start. I think that it was karma for (accidentally) screwing all of the people that I “helped” over the phone this week. On a side note, I’m beginning to think that  I might be the ideal government employee: I am more that willing to hide behind the rule book, I’m always on time because I don’t have anything better to do than work, I part my hair on the left (like a BAWSE), my friendliness to incompetence ratio is ELITE, my short term memory is shot to hell, I’m good at making shit up and being convincing, I never bother my supervisors or let customers talk to them, I speak 3 languages and I’m workin’ on my Haitian Creole, and most importantly (for whatever fucking reason) old people love my bullshit no matter how stupid or corny it gets. And oh man does it get stupid and corny. I’ve learned that no matter how mad somebody gets if you just say “thank you and God bless ya, sir/ma’am, you have a great day” in a Southern accent to end the conversation then they will immediately change their tune and wish you a heartfelt and sincere “good day”. It might be a little bit of Civil War hangover because for whatever fucking reason the South can’t get over that we took the most epic fucking dump in history on them and did God’s work by freeing the slaves and then raping and pillaging the shit out of the Confederacy (USA! USA! USA!!! IN YOUR FUCKING FACE!!!) but seriously, if you work in a call center then definitely talk as much as possible in a Southern accent because it makes everybody be nicer to you. Particularly Southern people and faux-Southerners (literally everybody who doesn’t live in New York and New England) because they get butthurt about everything and don’t understand basic phone manners or how to engage in verbal communication with another human being. But it’s not just the Southerners and Rust Belt troglodytes who are fucking terrible to talk to, oh no, every state and region in America has its own particularly distasteful brand of awfulness. Allow me to give you a state-by-state breakdown of what it’s like to deal with people on the other end of the customer services lines across our great nation!

ALABAMA:

First of all, everybody’s phone in the South sucks. It sucks so hard. It’s impossible to fathom the idea that EVERYBODY’S fucking phone down there sucks this hard but it’s a fucking reality. Hard-line, cellphone, tin-can tied to an alligator’s dick, it doesn’t fucking matter. Everybody’s phone sounds like shit and Alabama is one of the worst offenders. Not only does everybody’s phone suck major dick but everybody talks like they have half of a catfish in their mouths. Alabama, you should be ashamed of yourself for proving all snooty-ass Northerners right. If you wonder if you really sound like that, let me assure you that yes you do in fact sound like Foghorn Leghorn after a lifetime of chain smoking. And your phone is too quite. You should really get that fixed.

ALASKA:

I’m as shocked as the next asshole from New England to find out that people who call customer service from Alaska seem not only like stable and sensible individuals but also come across as well adjusted and speak English. I thought this would be one of the worst fucking states to get a call from but so far after three weeks in a call center the people who call in from Alaska are shockingly not awful.

ARIZONA:

Everybody is old and crazy. These are not pleasant calls.

ARKANSAS:

Alaska has been the biggest surprise as far as states not being full of people who are wretched to talk to….unlike people from fucking Arkansas who I 100% expected to be mush-mouthed idiots. I don’t always here subtly racist shit from people, but when I do, they’re calling from Arkansas. And their phones suck too because they live in the South.

CALIFORNIA:

I used to be cool with people from Cali, but then I went to film skool. Everybody from California is either a faux-Southerner who farms oranges and hates Mexicans like it’s their job or they’re douchebags from “L.A.” and by “L.A.” they mean some little shithole town that’s 90 fucking minutes from Burbank. Ask someone from “L.A.” where in “L.A.” they’re actually from and watch them sweat bullets. These people will shamelessly say that Sacramento is riiiiiiight down the road from downtown Los Angeles. CHARLATANS. In general, everybody who’s called in from California has been extremely dumb. It’s upsetting to think that these people don’t pay for water and that their state alone is like the 8th largest economy in the world. Jesus fucking Christ. These people need help finding their own assholes.

COLORADO:

The California colony known as “Colorado” is just as stupid but slightly meaner. Whenever somebody calls in from Colorado, I automatically start talking in an outdoor voice and as slowly as I can without touching on being condescending. People from Colorado, for having such a dope-ass state, are top 10 most awful to talk to. The level of paranoia and dickery that I’ve gotten from these people is out of control. The worst part about Colorado is that it’s boring and stupid and callers never get CRAZY. Colorado is no fun at all. Callers from Colorado are just busy work and give me a headache.

CONNECTICUT:

If every single stereotype about Southern people has been confirmed, the same has been true for all of the dickheads up North. Connecticut is the asshole of New England and New York’s penis. Connecticut as a state can collectively eat a bag of dicks. You people are the reason why God doesn’t talk to us any more. I imagine every idiot from CT calling me from a freshly waterproofed wicker chair just scratching their balls and reading Rolling Stone. NOBODY swings dick like people from CT. NOBODY. Everything that people shit on Northerners about is because of CT. One of my ancestors fought in the Revolutionary War and led some battalion from Connecticut. He deserves a posthumous Medal of Honor because these assholes can’t follow instructions and all deserve to be punched in the dick. Captain Jonathan Esten (my great-ass grandfather) was probably hanged for intentional friendly-fire. I woulda been!

DELAWARE:

Literally have never received a call from Delaware, which is good because supposedly everybody from Delaware is a pedophile.

FLORIDA:

And then there’s Florida where everybody is a confirmed pedophile beyond a shadow of a doubt. I dread calls from this state. Florida is America’s penis. Nothing good happens in Florida. This state is the real life Sodom and Gomorrah. There is NOTHING in the Old Testament that is as gnarly as an afternoon in Tallahassee. Fuck north Florida in particular. I can smell you all through your shit-ass southern phones, you coked-up dipshits.

GEORGIA:

Phones suck. People are polite for the most part. Really don’t mind a good chat with a person from Georgia as long as they spit their peach flavored chaw out first.

HAWAII:

I thought that callers from Alaska would be shitty but I was wrong. Very wrong. Hawaii is the sleeper for the title of “worst state to get calls from if you work in a call center”. For real though, holy shit these people suck. Every time somebody sounds like they’re tripping their balls off or coming down from a three day stint on PCP or trying to quit meth, I just assume they’re calling from Hawaii and most of the time I’m right. The other percent of the time that I’m wrong, the caller is from New Mexico and then things go fucking crazy from there. But fucking Hawaii, man. Everybody sounds paranoid to me like they’re trapped in a small, dark room all alone with the ghost of their dead mother molesting them. That seems like a little much but I swear to god everybody sounds fucked up. There’s a very eerie and palpable sense of doom in their voices. Everybody needs a klonopin. I sure as fuck need a klonopin after receiving an unwanted “ma’halo” from some ghost-fucker from Hawaii.

IDAHO:

So far, everybody from Idaho sounds like English is their second language.

ILLINOIS:

I think that nobody in Illinois has friends because 80% of my calls come from fucking Illinois. Do you people have fucking computers?? You know that you can do shit over the internet these days, right? I think people from Illinois are lonely and just want to talk to somebody. Most of the time they’re very cheerful and pleasant so I don’t mind chatting with them. I just wish they had some real friends though. Shit’s sad, man.

INDIANA:

The home of the KKK and has the most neo-Nazi’s per capita in any part of the world. No state is more ready to rumble than Indiana. I never knew just how powerfully violent the human voice could be until I started getting calls from Indiana. You people are terrifying. Please stop calling me.

IOWA:

Like Illinois, they call A LOT. Pleasant, dull, happy to be helped, and don’t fight you every step of the way. I like people from Iowa’s friendliness. I just wish they had computers.

KANSAS:

The only characteristic of calls from Kansas that is worth noting is that nobody is nice. Nobody. This whole state is populated by rude, XXXL Mickey Mouse t-shirt wearing meanies. “No place like home” my ass. I hope you all die in a twister.

KENTUCKY:

Kentucky, based on my sociological findings, is entirely populated by people who fucked their sisters and cousins and spawned several generations of inbred hayseeds. You cornbread feasting maniacs are some of the worst. EVERYBODY who has called me from Kentucky has been drunk as shit. And if they weren’t drunk then they should be embarrassed because their grasp of the English language was severely lacking.

LOUISIANA:

GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO!

MAINE:

Maine-iacs are some of the worst. Inbred? Check. Paranoid? Oh my fuck. Can’t understand proper English? NOPE! Maine is New England’s Southern state. That’s all you need to know about Maine. They also all wish that they had had slavery too.

MARYLAND:

Textbook assholes. People from Murrrrrlin’ are soooo unfriendly that saying “thank you” does not register in their brains. Murrrrrlin’ers don’t do pleasantries. The worst part about Murrrrrrlin’ is that these people are Southern but they have Northern phones so I can clearly hear all of the terrible horseshit that they are spitting at me. It’s the worst.

MASSACHUSETTS:

Crystal clear and always polite! JKLOL! My Masshole brothers are not as flawless as I’d like to give them completely unearned credit for. There isn’t the “snootiness” that people from MASS get a lot of heat for, it’s more like they seem too hungover and distracted to hold a conversation. It’s disappointing. I’m embarrassed for them/us.

MICHIGAN:

Hands down the WORST FUCKING STATE IN AMERICA. Michigan is sadder than Darfur and probably has more hate crimes. You cross the border from Ohio and all of the life and color is immediately sucked out of the world and flying monkeys descend on your car and try to shit in your mouth while screaming GO LIONS!!!!!!1!!!! This happens over the phone too. Everybody from Michigan sounds like they’ve had several lobotomies. Everybody sounds like Slingblade but for whatever reason they’re mean too. If you talk to fast they tell you to “slow down” and ask if you’re a “colored”. I wish I was making this up. I’ve been called “yankee” by fucking Michiganders before. Smdh. If you’re from Michigan and you call people “yankees” you should just do us all a favorite and kill yourself. Go to Indiana and start a fight if you want to start fights with strangers. They’re dying for a fight so go fight down there. Go fight them. Please stop calling me. And stop asking if I’m Latin.

MINNESOTA:

Not horrible people. Talk goofy, are nice and pleasant, don’t try to swing dick, and all around perfectly normal people. Everybody talks like Fargo! It’s kinda awesome! And everybody goes ape shit when you pronounce “Faribault” correctly. “OOOOOH GEE! YOU SED IT REIT!” I kind of love these people. They’re like the intelligible versions of the Swedish Chef from The Muppets.

MISSISSIPPI:

GOD. FUCKING. AWFUL. Nobody has teeth, command of English, or a good phone. Seriously, Mississippi must be one big fucking swamp full of shit because the reception down their is terrible. No really, what the fuck is wrong with your phones down there?

MONTANA:

Colorado Lite. SUCKS. People are dumb and ask you to talk slower.

NEBRASKA:

Nothingland. I don’t think that you can make outgoing calls from Nebraska unless you use a pay phone. I get very few calls from this godforsaken wasteland.

NEVADA:

Nothing but scumbags and drunk people. Only worked at a call center for three weeks and every bit of what could be considered sexual harassment has been from somebody calling from Nevada. State most likely to have someone say to you, “…you sound like you smell pretty. What’s your last name, girly?” Fuck these people.

NEW HAMPSHIRE:

Timid, laconic, less drunk and less talkative than callers from MASS, generally pleasant. New England’s Minnesota.

NEW JERSEY:

Here’s a secret from a dude who was born on Long Island (me): New Jersey is the best kept secret in America. It’s the richest state in the union. It’s THE BOMB. The Garden State is where it’s at. Everybody’s cool and friendly. Nobody sucks, nobody’s paranoid or getting felt up by ghosts and coming down from speedballin’. This is a good state with good people and if you hate it, then that means that 1). you’ve never been and you’re talking out of your ass, and/or 2). you’re a fucking idiot. New Jersey is the titties and I salivate at the very thought of getting NJ calls all day.

NEW MEXICO:

CRAZY RACIST. I would put the entirety of my next pay check on being called a faggot by somebody from New Mexico at least once before my work as a temp is up. I’m for real, some callers have been a liiiiiittle too close to slipping up with the fag-word. It’s kinda hilarious but it’s also terrible. Most of the callers hate “drunk-ass Indians” and “wetbacks”. You’re not officially allowed to say that you’re from New Mexico until you’ve violently raped somebody in a truck stop shower.

NEW YORK:

New Yorkers get a bad rep for being loud and rude and “too talkative”. I don’t know what the deal with that is. New Yorkers are friendly and cool. Upstate’s a whole different story though. Upstate is garbageland and everybody might as well be from Pennsylvania because they suck. NYC has its own fair share of shitty callers too. Mostly it’s paranoid old women who live in Brooklyn and the Upper East Side and call in to cancel catalog subscriptions. Wanna hear something funny? When somebody calls in from New York and requests to be deleted from the mailing list I file their address under the request list to be sent a buttload of new magazines! This sounds horrible but nobody is more of a garbage human being than some paranoid old rich lady from the Upper East Side who has NOTHING better to do than call my ass up and chat about how Chinese people stuff her mailbox full of magazines. I’ll give that bitch sumthin’ to REALLY cry about. Subscription to Maxim AND Mad Magazine? You got it, bitch! I bet next time you won’t forget your “pleases” and “thank you’s”. Never be rude to somebody who has your credit card information and your home address. That’s just askin’ for it.

NORTH CAROLINA:

Bad phones but everybody is wicked nice!

NORTH DAKOTA:

Drunk and inexplicably boastful.

OHIO:

I went to high school in Ohio and it was the worst four years of my life. Ohio sucks ass. And callers from Ohio are the worst. They have a little bit of every type of suckishness about them: angry, stupid, slow, bad at speaking English, bad phones, racist, everybody is old and can’t hear, and in general these people are just rude and are always paranoid. If they could hurt you, they would.

OKLAHOMA:

I’ve only gotten one call from Oklahoma and it was so boring I don’t even remember it.

OREGON:

I don’t understand why but it’s like everybody on the West Coast is a paranoid psycho. What is with people on the West Coast and their Unibomer mentality? Do people just move out West to escape from society? If you really want to be off the grid then why the fuck do you have a phone? Fuck off, Oregon. Oregon is the Ohio of the West Coast. That means that California is Michigan and Washington is Indiana. Congrats Oregon! You’re boring AND crazy but not insane enough to be the worst of the worst. You exist in the middle of the pack with other suckbag states. Go home and smoke more meth!

PENNSYLVANIA:

Oh god. Fucking Pennsylvania. The only thing that I like about callers from Pennsylvania is that they tend to yell into the phone because that’s just how people talk in that state. The Yinzers are awesome and so are the people from Philly. They’re usually drunk and loud but more than happy to repeat themselves because they know that they’re too drunk to make any sense. I like that kind of humility.

RHODE ISLAND:

Everybody’s name is “Carmine” and is vaguely threatening.

SOUTH CAROLINA:

South Carolina is one of the worst states in America. You people disgust me. 100% of callers from South Carolina just want to fight with customer service agents. I can see why North Carolinians split from you turds. Those people have manners! You people in South Carolina have bad phones, can’t speak English, and are ALWAYS surly. You are harder to please than Somalian women.

SOUTH DAKOTA:

Weird. Just weird. It’s like getting calls from somebody who is calling from a parallel universe that exists 100 years in the past. If the Rust Belt is 35-40 years behind the times, then South Dakota is easily a full century behind. A caller from South Dakota after a forty-five minute chat on the customer service line: “…OK thank you, son…now who are you and how did you get inside my telephone?” It’s like everybody there has dementia but are thankfully slow to rage. Thank god. Second most common question coming out of South Dakota: “How are you on the computer and talking to me on the telephone at the same time?” Jesus Christ.

TENNESSEE:

I literally cannot understand ANYBODY from Tennessee. Even if people from Tennessee didn’t have shitty Southern phones, I’d still have a very frustrating and difficult time understanding them. Why do people from Tennessee bark? It sounds like a state full of teenwolfs. Are you all dope at basketball too? I can’t tell if callers have stutters or are just barking at me. Stop barking! You’re human! (I hope).

TEXAS:

Generally friendly unless they’re weird and old. I like callers from Texas because they are grandiose and laugh at the dumbest shit. These calls are usually very pleasant. Unless it’s some old person from the panhandle. Then you’ve got problems.

UTAH:

I thought that callers from Utah would be creepy and Mormon but mostly they’re just drunk people who call just to chat. If I see Utah pop up on my five9 call agent screen, I know that I’m in for a solid half hour of drunken nonsense. It’s always awesome and kind of insane. Callers from Utah aren’t just drunk, they are poop-cheeks wasted. Like, black out drunk. And they call to just talk. If they’re looking to buy stuff, they buy a ridiculous amount of shit. It doesn’t matter though because they usually are too drunk to read (or even find) their credit cards.

VERMONT:

Weird. Vaguely paranoid. Sometimes friendly. Reject modern society. Lives up to low expectations.

VIRGINIA:

Sometimes, Virginia seems like Maryland’s good twin. Virginia has some of Murrrrlin’s dickishness but not all of it. Virginian’s dickishness is canceled out because they do have some of North Carolina’s pleasantness. Not all terrible people! Better than Murrrrrlin’. WAY better than Murrrrrlin’.

WASHINGTON:

If Michigan is the worst state to get calls to customer service from, then Washington is the second worse. Holy. Fucking. Shit. Everything that I hate about customer service and all of the negative stuff about working at a call center is embodied in callers from the state of Washington. Rude. Can’t speak English. Have shit-ass phones. Talk SLOW. Easily confused. Come across as either wicked dumb or too high to function. I don’t know what it is, but these people have a temper. Callers from Washington have hung up on me for “talking too fast” and “being slick”. What? You called ME, bro. They just like to fight. I don’t know what it is. Washington is way more unfriendly than Michigan. Some days, the callers from Washington are worse than the callers from Michigan. At least the callers from Michigan are too sad and defeated to put up much of a stink. But not Washington! These folks are always ready take out their butthurt on you. For a state with legal weed, the amount of butthurt people seems a little HIGH to me. It’s almost like drugs make you stupid or something.

WEST VIRGINIA:

This state. God. Everything to West Virginia callers is an inconvenience. Very much like callers from Tennessee but sadder and weirder. Clearly inbred.

WISCONSIN:

VERY friendly and sort of weird. Almost TOO friendly. Almost condescending. I used to think that everybody’s grandma lived in New Hampshire but I was wrong. Everybody’s grandma lives in Wisconsin. Based on my observations, 86% of Wisconsin’s population is women who are at least 65 or older. They are nice though.

WYOMING:

Nobody actually lives there. All of the calls I get are prank calls from Martians and bored US Air-force crewmen. I’ve only gotten two calls from Wyoming. First one from “Ben Dover” and the second one was from “Mike Hunt”. I laughed at both of these. Good to see that our illegal alien population has a good sense of humor! Call me up anytime, spacemen!

 

Not So Subtle Racism

Cam Newton, quarterback of the Carolina Panthers, likes to dance when he scores a touchdown. Here’s the gist if you don’t follow sports: Cam Newton is black, he dances when he scores a touchdown, and white people can’t fucking stand this. In particular, old white people get REALLY butthurt when somebody dances in the endzone.

Hot take alchemist Skip Bayless (an old white man from Oklahoma/Texas) claims that what he’s upset by is the fact that the QUARTERBACK is doing a dance; it has NOTHING to do with Cam Newton being black. Guess what he doesn’t take umbrage with? Rob Gronkowski spiking the ball. “Because it’s short. It doesn’t take that long.” Rob Gronkowski is also another doofy white guy so he’s gonna get a pass no matter what. Oh yeah, and Gronk has also done some dances in the past too. But that’s OK because…oh wait nobody’s brought that up yet.

A couple months ago, bat flips in baseball was a big talking point in the sports world. Let me break this down for you: white dudes from the south and California don’t do bat flips because they “play the game the right way” and Latin players and Asian players tend to “show up the pitchers” and “show off too much and disrespect the game”. When anybody in any sport talks about the “integrity of the game” it’s an automatic red flag and it means that they’re about to either say something completely insipid and dumb or they’re about to say something racist or ignorant.

Not everybody who hates dancing in the endzone and touch down celebrations is racist. But the numbers and statistics are against you. If you don’t like touch down celebrations then most likely you are an old and shitty dude who hates everything fun and you just suck. But more than that, if you hate touchdown celebrations and bat flips, you probably have some racist or xenophobic hang ups. If you hate dancing AND you feel the need to complain about it and then turn around and feel the need to defend your point because it comes off as racist, then you should drink a bottle of Drano because you’re human garbage.

“Integrity of the game” is code for “it was better before we let coloreds in”. Just like how white people use the word “thug” when they really mean something much much worse. This is not so subtle racism. Somehow, old white people have decided that dancing in the endzone and flipping your bat after a homerun is an act of war on white cultural and human decency.

As your average, white, 22 year old sports fan, I chalk it up to old people being insufferable penises. My dad is that kind of guy who will call Cam Newton a GLORY BOY and then turn around and say “but I’m not racist”. It’s deeply upsetting to me because the worst thing about the not-so-subtle racist bullshit that we have to put up with in America is that it comes from our supposedly progressive and liberal population. My parents are a good example of this: they hate hip-hip, think that people of color are “loud”, hoodies are for thugs, and dancing is a sign of poor morals and a serious lack of character. But they vote on the left and make a point to always criticize the backwardness of the right wing. I’m very sure that this sounds familiar to many other young white dudebros out there. You “liberal/progressive” parents don’t know that there are several English speaking countries in Africa and they will tell you that being gay is fine…as long as YOU aren’t a gay. Drug addiction is a disease…unless YOU are a junkie. The only way that I can compartmentalize this and move on with my life and not get too hung up on it is if I just think about it as a generational thing, which I do think that it is. There’s no way that Gen-X is nearly as ASS as the baby-boomer/post boomer generation.

It seems like a stretch to turn a conversation about racism in sports into a full blown analysis of sociological and ideological differences and conflicts between generations and demographics in America but this is important. Cam Newton’s dancing shouldn’t become ground-zero for an inter-generational culture war but that’s where we are in this country. We’re at war with ISIS and we’re talking about a football player doing some goofy dances just for fun. This is fucking insane and childish when our nation’s capital is being threatened on a daily basis. We do, in fact, have more important things to worry about. This is a moment where we can just paint things with bold lines and chalk this horseshit up to racism. Yes, it is that simple: (mostly older) white people hate it when black people dance. It rustles their jimmies BAD. So much butthurt over a dude just dancing for not even 10 full seconds.

In the immortal words of Al Davis, “GET OVER IT!”

 

Happy Veterans Day to my friend Holden

Today we observe the Armistice of 1918 by celebrating all of the men and women who have served in our military. The 11th of November is known as “Veterans Day” here in the U.S. Elsewhere, it is called “Remembrance Day” or “Armistice Day”.

This day commemorates the ceasefire that ended hostilities between the Allied and German forces on the Western Front in the First World War.

Known as the Great War, WWI was supposed to be the “war to end all wars”. It was not and almost a full century later we honor our brave men and women in uniform who have served our country both past and present.

I’d like to dedicate this Veterans Day to one of my best friends from childhood and U.S. armed forces veteran: Holden Lindblom.  Holden and I met in 6th grade when he moved from North Carolina to Massachusetts. I was 11 years old and I had only moved up from New York just two years before. We were both new kids from elsewhere. We lived just a few blocks away from each other and took the same bus home from school.

One day I was reading a historical fiction book titled, “Flames of the Tiger”. There was a big German Tiger tank engulfed in flames on the cover. Holden was sitting behind me on the bus and kept popping up over the back of my seat. This fucking kid kept reading over my shoulder. And he wasn’t quiet about it.

“Stop it!” I had a short fuse as a kid. And I couldn’t really read so I needed to concentrate like crazy. NO DISTRACTIONS.

“What?” This kid instantly sassed me.

“Stop reading over my shoulder!” I was not a friendly kid either. No pleasantries were exchanged whatsoever. I must have had a bad day of middle skool.

“Why?”

I’m sure that I said something incredibly rude to Holden. I didn’t even know his name yet but knowing what kind of rotten little bastard I was back then I am very sure that I called him a “fagit” or something. And knowing Holden, I think that he just laughed at my fuckery and introduced himself because he was always a good kid deep down.

I was lucky that this funny, overly friendly kid behind me was persistent and made friends with me in spite of my outwardly unfriendly disposition. I never thought about it until now, but I think that Holden becoming friends with me made me less mean. He was a good guy.

Holden introduced himself after I gave up and put my book away. We had a short conversation and we learned that both of us weren’t from here. He told me about how he’d just moved up from North Carolina. I told him about moving up from New York just two years earlier.

Riding the bus together to and from our middle school made us fast friends. Before Holden, I had never had a friend who lived in the same neighborhood as I had. He was my first true buddy. And best of all, he fit into my already established friends group. I never realized until college how fucking hard it is to bring a new friend into a previously established friends group. It fucking sucks, man. It is hard as balls. I feel like very few people understand that when they are introduced into a new friends group that they have an obligation to be friendly and not standoffish or weird. Holden was weird, but we were all weird kids. So he fit in in no time at all and soon all of us in the neighborhood were hanging out.

I moved away after middle school and Holden and I had a hard time staying in touch. In 2011 when we both graduated, Holden joined the Army and I was headed to film school. I drank myself nearly to death. Holden survived a full 9-month tour of active duty in Afghanistan. The funny part is that it was my college essay that got me into film school. I wrote about the first movie I’d ever made, which was with Holden back in middle school. That was almost ten years ago now when we were both 13 years old. This was one of the most important friendships of my life.

That’s what’s been on my mind this Veterans Day. It’s too easy to forget about the people who matter to most to you. Today, I didn’t just think about my friend but I looked up to him. I’m just thankful that guys like my friend Holden get a day dedicated to them. Holden was honorably discharged back in April and he’s finally back home where we grew up. I need to get back in touch with him and I hope I can soon. We’ve got a lot to catch up on. I hope that everybody got a moment today to reflect on their own Holden Lindblom. Our veterans are never going to know how much they mean to us. We’re all lucky. The least we can do today is to think on how lucky we are.

We’re lucky and we’re all thankful for our friends and loved ones and family members who served our countries (to everyone all over the world today). But I feel luckiest of all because I can still remember the first time I met my friend Holden.

How long until Greg Hardy starts rockin’ an eye-black Swastika?

Yesterday, in America, it was FOOTBAW SUNDAY! Just last month, the most despicable character in the league (Greg Hardy) was reinstated by the National Football League. The league suspended Hardy for four games because of the domestic violence  and assault and battery charges brought against him last fall.

Greg “The Kraken” Hardy is human garbage. He was found guilty last year of severely beating and abusing his then girlfriend. Deadspin has just released photos of his ex-girlfriend’s injuries but we already knew what happened last fall.

Long story short, Greg Hardy not sorry. He’s stated that he’s just pleased as piss to get a second chance to play professional football. Hardy’s comeback tour has been…disgusting. No really — he’s not sorry. And he wants you to know it. He loves being the monster. He loves being THE KRAKEN. And what sucks is that “The Kraken” is a fucking awesome nickname. So I offer the American public a new nickname to give Hardy: “Hitler”. Last night on Sunday Night Football he rocked this look:

SNF some medium gold hoops and war paint

I really wish I could have found more photos from last night’s game because The Toilet Warrior knew he was going to be on TV and dressed accordingly. Notice in the photo above that this man wore medium-sized gold hoop earrings along with his eye black Tony the Tiger stripes. He’s been dropped from every one of his endorsements except for Frosted Flakes and Claire’s. LET IT BE KNOWN: Greg “Adolf Hitler” Hardy is not completely without loyalty or honor. Just ask Jerry Jones! #earnyerstripes

Wildman here knew that he was going to be featured prominently on TV. Since his return from serving his suspension, he has embraced the role of villain. And if he wants to be out loud and proud about being a scumbag? Fine. That’s his employer’s problem and the NFL should do something about him because he’s declared total war on human decency and basic societal values. This guy makes a point to never say his “pleases” or “thank you’s”! Fucker! So, long story short, fuck Greg Hardy. He should be in jail forever. But as long as he’s still allowed to continue to troll our asses every Sunday, he’s gonna keep doing this shit. My only question is how long until The Kraken starts rockin’ some eye-black Swastikas? He’s obviously got a talent for face painting! The season’s halfway over and he may never play again. If Greg Hardy wasn’t a sociopath, he’d be sweating because he’d know that every game could be his last. Whether or not he loses his job now or a season or two from now, the next stop for this dude is prison. Mark my words. The Kraken is headed to jail with Aaron Hernandez. They’re going to get along just great!

The season’s far from over and we can expect more of Hardy’s horseshit. As long as he’s going to be playing with the eye black, I wanna see some Swastikas from this shithead. C’mon, I dare ya! If Greg Hardy REALLY wants to up his villain-game, he’ll break out some sweet eye-black Swastikas. And if he doesn’t? I’ll be disappointed. If we’re going to be subjected to this dickhead every Sunday, the LEAST he could do is go all in. He WANTS to be the most hated man in America. So why not throw some Swastikas on there? Really, what does he have to lose at this point? C’mon, man! GIVE US SOME EYE BLACK SWASTIKAS!

But for real, he’s pretty close to going all in on the eye black Swastikas:

Greg Hardy: THE KRAKEN

This one looks like some fucked up SS Nazi mythical bullshit:

imrs

Ah yes…Klassic Kraken….

greghardyinactive

MORE WAR PAINT!     1445910879-NS_26hardyLD01

This one looks like he started to draw a Swastika and then forgot how:

hardy

Now THIS one is reeeeeeeaally close…This one’s kinda alarming. What the fuck is that? That one definitely looks like he wanted to go with a Swastika. This is fuck up…whatever the fuck that is:

greg-hardy-cowboys-michael-bennett

Then he went and did this half-assed Swastika again…He’s close, people….Be patient…he’s gonna do it…

635824197838809191-USP-NFL-Seattle-Seahawks-at-Dallas-Cowboys

Fuck Greg Hardy. This guy sucks.

What the fuck is this? Is this candy? Any ideas?

I found this strange “candy” just chillin’ in my living room….. Anybody got any ideas what this is?

candy? ...?

Sure as hell looks like candy…

Photo on 11-6-15 at 6.46 PM

….or the eggs of a small bird….this shit wasn’t wrapped….

Photo on 11-6-15 at 6.46 PM #2

…sure tastes like candy…

Photo on 11-6-15 at 6.47 PM

…chewy…

Photo on 11-6-15 at 6.46 PM #3

NOT TERRIBLE!

Photo on 11-6-15 at 6.47 PM #2

Didn’t die!

Photo on 11-6-15 at 6.47 PM #3

Got this blue shit all over my hands. I blue myself.Photo on 11-6-15 at 6.47 PM #4

And my tongue turned blue too. Double blue myself. Kinda tasted like “chocolate” but nothing like chocolate.

Photo on 11-6-15 at 6.47 PM #5Any ideas? It’s been 30 minutes and I’m not dead. Kinda had a texture and chewiness that reminded me of a big raisin but the outside was sorta crunchy like an m&m. Not bad though!

Happy Friday, internets!

ANSWERS TO THE TOP-10 DUMB QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK!

YOUR QUESTIONS ARE IN! You asked ’em! And now we’ve got “helpful” answers to the fistful of stupid questions from DUMBASS MONDAY! Keep it up and hit us up with the stupidest questions you got via email! Or drop us some comments. We’d love to discuss more dumb stuff with ya! Now to your questions:
If every sports mascot in the world did Hunger Games who would win?

My immediate go-to for this one is Sparty the Spartan from Michigan State because he’s got a sword and a helmet and stuff. However, with the baseball season just having ended, I’m reminded of the ever-present and very real threat that is The Philly Phanatic. Fuck that guy. He’s bad news, man. The Philly’s weren’t even in the goddamn playoffs this year and yet there he was. Popping up on TV and ruining everybody’s night with his “funny” antics. I can’t believe that the meanest, shittiest, city in America with the most scumbags per capita is represented by a radioactive booger-muppet. What. This city (Philadelphia) is famous for throwing batteries at people and booing Santa Claus. The Phanatic sucks as a mascot. What the fuck is he? He looks like a big furry bong. Like a bong made out of the dankest of dank nugs, dood. Maybe that’s what this cholo is: a big nasty nug. If the Phanatic was really made of weed, he’d be shitty weed. He’d be sprayed with Windex and WD-40. That’s probably what Philadelphia fans all go HAM on at tailgates. “Oh doood, pass the riot punch! That Lysol weed gave me bad cotton mouth…LET’S GO DO HATE CRIMES!”

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

I used to do prank calls on people with this question. It was fuggin’ hilarious. Hours of chuckles! One time, some dude actually had a real conversation with one of my friends who called him up with this question. He musta really liked Klondike Bars.

Since I’ve been grounding and pounding my way through my RED-ASS DIET I don’t have time for Klondike Bars, bruh. That’s way too much sugar for this big hunk of man. Probably a better question would be how far would I be willing to go for a Klondike Bar. As far as ice cream novelties go, the Klondike Bar is way up there in my book. I think the ice cream sandwich has had it’s day and needs to be put to rest. It’s old and it’s tried. I’ve never liked ice cream sandwiches. If someone promised me ice cream for being good and they gave me an ice cream sandwich I would be so steamed. What an epic ice cream blue balling that is. I don’t know if I’d do jack for a Klondike Bar now that I’m watching my figure but I sure as hell would wage the most FUCKING METAL jihad against ice cream sandwiches if the CEO of Klondike Bar Incorporated would sponsor my righteous crusade. Keep your ice creams! It’s blood which I desire!

What flavor is Mountain Dew?

First of all, don’t drink Mountain Dew. You’ll die of every single kind of cancer. Mountain Dew and all sodas fall under my list of things that are worse for your ass than smoking. And as far as Mountain Dew is concerned, I’m very sure based on my own sources (none) that you’re far better off health-wise smoking a big ol’ clump of whatever the fuck the Philly Phanatic is made of. You might as well drop an OxyClean jagerbomb into your Mountain Dew. That’s how convinced I am that it is nothing but poison.

Flavor wise? Apart from robot urine and aspartame, I think that it tastes like orange juice mixed with a whole bag of confectionery sugar and Alka-Seltzer. With a teaspoon of Metamucil mixed in there for good measure. I’ve always detected a sort of citrus medley going on in there. It’s the color of a dying man’s piss and it sorta tastes like “oranges”. I’ll say citrus medley to be safe!

Which is more accurate? A Ouija Board? Or and 8-Ball?

I’ve never used a Ouija Board but I did a little research and guess what? It doesn’t fucking work when you’re blindfolded. So put ghosts on the list of made up shit right up there with the Tooth Fairy and white Jesus. If you’re wondering about some REAL LIFE SHIT don’t refer to the Ouija Board for advice. That’s dumb. Do you really want Casper’s two cents? I sure as fuck don’t. Ghosts are dicks. The best thing to do is ignore them and if they live in your mom’s basement with you just do what I did and put the cat box in the corner where they keep showing up. That’ll learn ’em good. I’m still waiting for the ghosts in my mom’s basement to get off their lazy asses and clean up my cat’s dirty liter. If they’re not payin’ rent the LEAST they could do is lend a hand or sumthing.

I like using the 8-Ball because if I don’t get the answer that I want I just shake it violently until it agrees with me. You don’t get that kind of satisfaction from giving Casper a handy just for some simple yes’s or no’s. Don’t give Casper a handy; buy an 8-Ball or cheap out and flip a coin. OR! Just ask the internets!

Why wasn’t Frankenstein on the Top 10 Halloween Monsters list?

Ok so if you read my TOP 10 Halloween Monsters article, you may have noticed that Frankenstein received no love. I’m gonna go full Skip Bayless here and say HE DIDN’T DESERVE IT! My sweet Halloween Monster Power Ranking system was flawless! My Power Rankings were based on my simple but proven monster algorithm: is this monster likely to come for your nuts? And if so, how unstoppable is that monster? How utterly FUCKED are you if this monster is coming for your nuts? This is a proven method and I will not apologize for my rankings. My rankings were dope. Where are YOUR rankings, BRO? Oh didn’t have time to crank out a 5,000 word article on your top 10 favorite Halloween monsters? Booooo hooo hoooo hooooooohooooooo. I MADE time goddammit! I will not be subjected to this kind of unfounded criticism!

Frankenstein can try to come for my nuts all he likes he’s never gonna catch me or sneak up on my unsuspecting ass. No way, man. I got his number. Frankenstein’s compete level blows. He does not have a very high ceiling. His kill/death ratio wasn’t even that impressive in the book where he had HELLA strength AND an incredible capacity for language. I could take on either of those Frankensteins any day, brother! Bring ’em on! I wouldn’t even bother to stretch first.

Does true love exist?

Sure. Once I get my drinking problem under control I’ll get back to ya!

Which is the worst super power?

I’m not saying Aqua Man because that’s low hanging fruit and I’m a big shot writerer on the internets now so I refuse to stoop to cracking wise on Aqua Man. That’s a slippery slope. I’ll hang up my thesaurASS before I embarrASS myself by going for cheap laughs BUTT I think that the X-Men corner the market on shitty powers. Think about it for a minute. Cyclops is blind and any time he opens his eyes he shoots lasers everywhere (pew-pew!). That blows. That dude can’t even aim; that’s not even special or cool. That’s a hindrance to daily tasks. Cyclops probably buys the wrong kind of milk at the grocery store every weekend. FUCKING 2%?? FUCK! Magneto’s lame too. He’s just like a shitty Jedi. He’s kinda got the Force but really, other than being the coolest guy in your frat because you can crush mad beer cans on your forehead, what else is that really good for? I bet the Philly Phanatic has killed WAY more innocent people than Magneto. Philly Phanatic’s kill/death ratio is pretty ballin’.

I want exactly none of the X-Men’s powers. I’d rather be Hellboy! He had the best power: he was from HELL! That’s so fucking metal. Gimme that big fist made of fucking rocks so I can Hulk-punch my way out of any situation. And he had a gun. That’s an unstoppable combination if you as me. I’ll take the powers of gun + fist made of red ASSfalt. Hellboy easily has the dopest powers and, by far, Dr. X has the worst: fucking polio. (pew-PEW!)

How do you know if you can’t eat gluten?

Idk. Eat a buncha gluten and see what happens! Guess and check! Or ask Miles. He doesn’t have a thyroid.

What if cats were human-sized?

I really hope this doesn’t happen. Changing the liter box is gross enough already.

Is jail dirty?

Probably! Ask Aja!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!! Guy Fawkes Day: Is it British Halloween?

Happy Guy Fawkes Day! November 5th, 2015! Today, 410 years ago, Shakespeare destroyed the armies of Mordor with a small, crack team of Berserkers dressed as foxes. They were known as the “Guy Fawkes” but this was before spelling was invented. Tragically, Bill Shakespeare died in an EPIC naked girl avalanche after winning one final, victorious game of ale-pong. The Bard’s inspired last words were, “…Metallica RULES!”

I first heard about Guy Fawkes day from my Welsh auntie and uncle who helped raise me and my brother when we were very young. Cymru Am Byth, baby! So yes, I am unabashedly pulling out the hipster card on this one. I’VE EARNED IT. I knew about this shit before I saw the movie “V for Vendetta”.

OMG when I was 12-years-old, man, EPIC nerdgasm. For real though, when I was 12, I thought this movie was about Jack the Ripper coming back from the dead and FUCKING EVERYBODY UP. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was a little more cerebral than that.

If you’re an American dudebro like myself but weren’t lucky enough to be raised by a Welsh auntie and uncle and wanna celebrate British Cinco de Novembro, then you’re in the right place, amigo!

OFF THE TOP OF MY DOME:

Ok so, without cheating, from what I remember about the stinky cinco (de Novembro) is that this terrorist back in the Stuart Era tried to blow up the English Parliament. Before I scurry over to Wikipedia for clarification, I’m pretty sure that Guy Fawkes was a Catholic hater of King James? This happened before the English Civil War right? After Elizabeth? Before the War and Restoration? 1605 was the year and the only reason I remember that is because “V for Vendetta” came out in 2005, which was exactly 400 years later. The Catholics in England got uppity and Sly and the family Fawkes decided they were gonna blow Parliament into the Thames by stashing a fuck ton of gun powder in the basement and lighting that shit up. But homie got caught and wound up in the Tower of London and they cut off his johnson. That’s what happened right? LET’S SEE WHAT THE INTERNETS SAY.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED:

Turns out I was kinda close! According to the internets, on November 5, 1605 a group of English Catholics tried to blow up Parliament because King James I, who succeeded Elizabeth I, was PISSED after surviving an attempt on his life and quit dicking around with being tolerant of Catholicism. He was done with that tolerance shit; it nearly cost him his life so fuck that noise. King James I was a die-hard Protestant and was the force behind the very popular King James Bible; he’s the guy who is mostly responsible for the publishing of the Bible in the English language. His translation is still the standard for all English versions of the Bible (sources: living in ‘Merica). He was also fucking terrified of witches and made a point of it to rock their shit.

Guy Fawkes, who had previously fought for Spain in the Spanish Netherlands (Belgium/the Lowlands) in the Eight Years War, joined in a Catholic conspiracy to blow up Parliament with 36 barrels of gunpowder. That doesn’t really seem like enough gunpowder to me but ok. I’m willing to accept the fact that people were way, WAY stupider back in the day. That’s my favorite part about history and where I get my near-blind optimism for the human race and the future. People back in the day were straight up dumb as hell. I’ve been to London and seen Parliament and peeped it with my own two peepers…that’s a bigass building you fellas across the pond got. GUNPOWDER CAN’T MELT STEEL BEAMS!

According to my sources, Guy Fawkes got caught balls deep in the cookie jar and his ass went straight to jail because somebody ratted out him and his terrorist buddies before they could light ‘er up. Fuggin’ snitches, dood! Sounds like Puritan Scooby Doo got all up in their business. This was the first time in history somebody didn’t get away with something awful because of meddling kids. Apparently, somebody (Ruritan Rooby-Rooby Roo!) wrote a letter to the authorities and that’s how everybody got busted. That’s why you don’t let literate dudes into your terrorist organization. You think that ISIS makes literacy a requirement for new membership? DOUBT IT. The Taliban certainly doesn’t. The Taliban hates literacy almost as much as they hate women’s rights. The Taliban sucks. All terrorists suck. Don’t be a terrorist.

Fawkesie Sha-Zam was tortured and interrogated in the Tower of London. He eventually broke and was sentenced to execution by means of the ol’ “hanged, drawn, ‘n quartered”. Turns out that Guy Fawkes wasn’t actually a complete idiot. He knew that they were coming for his nuts. For real though, part of his execution was to be hanged and then his genitals were going to be cut off and burned in front of his eyes. After they cut off his johnson, he and his fellow conspirators convicted of treason were to be disemboweled and then chopped into four pieces and their remains were to be spread across the four corners of the kingdom. Guy Fawkes said fuck that and somehow managed to break his neck by jumping off the scaffolding from which he was to be hanged. So, he avoided the gnarliness of living through the rest of his torture but the executioners followed through on the mutilation of his lifeless corpse anyway because back then everybody was a fucking savage.

I want to wish our British homies a Happy Guy Fawkes Day!! I hope you have a fun stinky Cinco de Novembro. Be safe with your bonfires and stuff and careful with those fireworks. Salud!