How Alcohol Makes Me Feel

One of hardest parts about addiction is explaining how it feels when your brain interacts with drug/alcohol or your specific drug of choice. For me that’s alcohol. The biggest problem with explaining alcoholism is that everybody has been around alcohol and by the time you’re an adult pretty much everybody has been out drinking before and knows what being drunk is like. It’s a cultural thing, it’s legal, to some degree it’s encouraged, and, in the right circumstances, being drunk is socially acceptable. Most people who drink are not alcoholics or addicted to alcohol. This is part of what makes alcoholism very difficult to understand. A lot of people just think that you’re a dumb lush who enjoys being drunk even though it is not at all like that and it is nowhere near that simple. If it was as simple as that then it wouldn’t be a world wide public health epidemic. Explaining how alcohol makes me feel when I put it in my system is hard to articulate but the other night while talking to a friend I found a way to describe it as accurately as I could: it’s a lot like how people describe their experiences on ecstasy.

I got out of rehab three months ago. In a week, I’ll be five months sober (and seven months without smoking marijuana–NEW WORLD RECORD).

Aside from the grunt work that goes into not drinking or using drugs every single day, I think that the hardest part has been readjusting to regular life.

It’s nearly impossible to explain to people how alcohol makes me feel. When people describe their experiences on ecstasy/MDMA, that’s as close as I can come to making myself understood. When I drink, there’s an explosion in my brain and it feels better than absolutely anything in the world. Nothing spikes my dopamine levels like alcohol. It is just like the feeling of ecstasy where all of my serotonin surges and gets used up. I go into overdrive and I can’t stop. It gives me energy. It’s not at all like other people’s interactions with alcohol. I never really got hangovers like my friends did. Sometimes I’d get sick because I had way too much alcohol still in my system but it wasn’t like I was always hungover like everybody else. My “hangovers” the next morning were more like that serotonin sickness you get with ecstasy. I would just be horribly depressed the next morning as if all of my serotonin and dopamine had been used up the night before. That’s exactly how my first drink was too: explosion of joy the second I took that first drink and then the next morning I was beside myself. And of course, the only thing that would make me feel good again was alcohol. The vicious cycle started immediately.

I’ve only recently realized the comparison between how most people interact with MDMA and how I interact with alcohol. I only know the basic brain chemistry behind drug and alcohol addiction/abuse but what I learned in rehab is that it’s all going on in the same location with the same neurons and receptors. The out of control high that people describe feeling on ecstasy is very similar to how I would describe the way I feel when I’m drinking. More accurately than that though is the comedown the next morning and the battle with depression once all of your serotonin is sucked up and spent. Maybe even more than the high, I can relate to that comedown. For me, hearing about the depressed feeling the next morning after a night of rolling face is eerily familiar.



Today I’m officially 4 months sober! And it’s hard to believe but a whole month ago I fired up this blog with my two best friends on a mission to capture our collective experiences as young Americans in 2015. What a time to be alive!

It’s been pretty awesome to document our dumbness and radness and leave behind a historical record for future generations of well-meaning dudebros like myself. And with a splash of thoughtfulness, I’d like to think that this shit is important.

In one month of sharing my feels on the interwebs, the most rewarding thing has been the positive feedback from other writers and journalists. I’d like to thank everybody for their support! Thank you for not hating us! But the very best thing has been reading other people’s writing. Holy shit. There’s a lot of bombass writers out there on the wordpress! You guys are all THE MAN. I wish I had a whole stash of bitcoins with which I could hire you on full time to write for my website. THE DAY WILL COME. But until then I’m loving everybody’s stuff!

There’s so much going on in the world and the writers I follow have become some of my favorite writers on the internet. A month ago, I wanted to fire this bad boy up so that I could document my own experience and maybe find other people with similar experiences as myself. The recovery community out there bloggin’ away is ELITE. I’m wicked happy to find that there’s a ton of people in recovery all journaling and documenting their experiences. It’s life affirming and inspiring and I hope that everybody out there keeps it up because you’re a bunch of badasses and I’m proud to follow you.

I wanted to publish a mission statement for The Professional VIP but it would have been 10,000 words and I would have never gotten to the point. If I were to put it as simply as possible, I would say that the importance of documenting and sharing one’s own experience is that it proves the dignity in the life of the common man and woman. Everybody’s life is important and everybody’s life is a story. I see our blogs as a historical record. I’m for real. No matter what you write, it is important. All of the dumbness and the radness and dash of thoughtfulness adds up to our story. We’re all alive right now at the same moment. All of us all over the world. How cool is that? There’s 7 billion people out there and I’d like to meet as many of them as I possibly can before I beef it and die (hopefully in a naked girl avalanche fingers crossed). But in all seriousness, it’s been such a pleasure to read everybody’s writing and seeing what your lives are like all around the world.

I suffer from some bad shit. Sometimes it seems like nothing will ever make me feel OK and I’m just fucked. That was the spot I was in when I started this blog and I’ve been lucky because this has been a real life saver. The vastness of the world is a big inspiration to me. When I’m down, I like to pop into other people’s lives and see what’s up in your corner of the globe. From Canada, to Zimbabwe, to New Zealand and Australia, and Ireland, and the UK, and France, and Denmark, and Japan, and South Africa, and India, and back again just down the street from your new homie Ted in New Hampshire. Life may at times seems mundane. The familiar becomes quickly monotonous and easy to take for granted. But to this guy? To this dudebro just chillin’ in his mom’s basement in New Hampshire? Your familiar is my adventure. How amazing is that? From my mom’s basement I can be talking to new amigos in Zimbabwe! That’s insane. Insanely awesome. How sick would it be if all 7 billion human beings around the world could snap a picture or a selfie in their backyard and posted it? We live in that world! That’s our world!

I wasn’t expecting to do much more than bitch about living in my mom’s basement while staggering through sobriety and making some dick jokes here and there. And I wanted to invite my best friends to be writerers with me because I suck at keeping in touch with the people I love and I kinda hate Facebook. I didn’t expect to meet a bunch of new amigos but it’s been a wicked awesome surprise!

I had a bunch of hang ups about blogging. I thought it was a self-absorbed and exploitative horseshit and I jumped in head first expecting to feel dirty and hate myself. Thank god I was wrong and that I was just being a gigantic dickhead. This isn’t self-snitchin’ misery porn! This is noble shit! I want to be totally transparent and say that I came into this one month ago with a horrible attitude. As bad of an attitude as I had, I was instantly proven wrong. This has been very life affirming and it’s been fun and intellectually stimulating. I’ve been inspired by all of your stories, poems, articles, photos, and musings. And I hope that in turn you’ve had a giggle at my fart jokes and smokin’ hot takes.

Everybody’s life is important. It’s hard to remember that my own life is worth living with all this damn affliction. One of my biggest heroes is Tupac Shakur. Tupac’s my favorite musical artist and my all time favorite poet. When I get down, I just think about how Tupac was able to keep his head up through all sorts of terrible bullshit. He kept his sense of humor. He stayed strong and although his life was taken from him at such a tragically young age he made the most of it. Tupac Shakur was only 25 years old when he was murdered. If William Shakespeare had died at 25, he would have never written anything. If John Lennon had died at 25, the Beatles would have been done in 1965. No Revolver or Sgt. Peppers. When I think about Tupac, I think of him as one of the greatest American poets of all time because he told his story about being a young man living in America. Tupac was the rose that grew from concrete. He had a great talent for rapping and made some of the greatest hip-hop songs and records of all time but, to me, more than that what he did best was tell his own story. When I’m down, I just think about how Tupac fought through the worst and still found the energy and the passion to tell his story without apologizing to anybody. I’m not saying that this bloggin’ about my everyday dudebro bullshit is on the same level as Tupac Shakur’s EPIC discography, but I like to think on most basic level that we’re all sharing our stories and that’s kind of all that it’s really about.

Your life is important and no matter what your depression tells you, you’ve got a story to tell and that story matters. Self-doubt is one of the most toxic things in the world. Self-doubt is some nasty bullshit because it’s not real but it sure feels fuckin’ real. A month into chieffin’ this blog, I’ve found that in sharing what in the fuck is going on in my little world I am able to combat my invalid feelings of self-doubt. Your support and your own stories have helped me more than you’ll probably ever know and I wish I could kiss each and every one of you on the mouth.

I started a month ago from rock fucking bottom. There was no where to go but up but I didn’t know where to start. I was 3 months sober. Now I’m 4 months sober. What a fucking difference a month makes. Jesus. I did not expect this to get easy let alone less sucky. But it is way less sucky. It’s actually getting pretty rad. I wanted to call this blog “The Professional VIP” because I’ve spent too long trying to be accepted and validated and live a life worthy of other people’s standards. I’ve given myself my own personal License to Ill just for being alive. I’m a self-assigned professional V.I.P. and as editor in chief of this humble blog (if you’ve made it this far into this post) I dub YOU a Professional VIP too! As long as you’re alive then give yourself a break and have a ball! Sometimes, you just gotta give yourself your own credentials. Self-empowerment is the name of the game: Big Man on Campus status is something that’s not given nor earned, bro. You just gotta take that shit! And go hard in the paint because you’re too busy being the man to keep it on the court.

Everybody is very important and what I’ve learned is that the only person holding me back a lot of the time is myself. Don’t deny your own access! Keep writing and keep balling. Roll up on The Professional VIP anytime and remember that you too are a professional VIP. If nowhere else, here, your access is never denied!

Thank you to everybody! You’re all the best!



Staying Sober this Thanksgiving: The Best Worst Advice

I just finished my second full week working at a call center. So far, I love it and it doesn’t suck. Not sucking is an underrated quality in a job. Other people (most sane people) hate working in a call center and I can totally understand that. I’m pretty lucky in that I work with cool people and so far nobody’s a dick. That’s two home runs so far: 1). the work doesn’t suck and 2). no sucky co-workers. The quality of co-worker that you work with can make or break any job. The all around shittiness of a job can be overcome by having good co-workers. The same can be said of having an asshole for a boss. I feel like the same can be also said of a having a good boss. A good boss can make even the creepiest and most horrible co-workers at the worst job ever seem tolerable.

I feel I’m just lucky in general because I can always somehow muster the energy to look for the good a bad situation. Work’s fine. My job right now rocks but, god forbid, if it start sucking then fine. Whatever, man. Monday through Friday 9am-5pm isn’t supposed to be all that jolly anyway. What fucks me up though is everything else when I’m not on the clock. Particularly when it comes to family.

I’m almost 4 months sober. Closing in on a new personal record! Not too shabby if I do say so myself. It’s gotten WAY easier. Took a while to not feel impossible but it’s become a good habit.

What I’m hyper aware of is that my two biggest triggers are family and work. And then there’s school too but I’m not doing that shit right now so it doesn’t count at the moment. But holy shit. I want nothing to do with Thanksgiving this year. Halloween was hard enough but Halloween is awesome without drinking. And there’s no family component, which is dope.


As a preemptive safety measure, I scheduled myself to work on Thanksgiving. This seemed like a good move. My mom’s hosting Thanksgiving this year and I kinda want nothing to do with it. Lucky for me, my supervisor threw me on the schedule for Thursday and I’m pretty happy about that. My mom though? Woof…

Here’s a pro-tip before I go into my sad little anecdote: if you’re working on Thanksgiving because you want to because you’re a wicked bad alcoholic and super depressed and kinda can’t stand your family like me, for the love of god, do not tell your mother that you volunteered to work on Thanksgiving. But otherwise, if you’re worried about staying sober this Thanksgiving, I personally think that working through the holiday is a goodass idea. Mostly because it’s a huge drinking holiday and avoiding it all together seems like a safe move. Plus, it’s generally frowned upon to be drinking or drunk at work so work seems like a good place to go. If work is closed, then go volunteer! That way if your family gets upset at you they can go fuck themselves because you’re doing Christ’s work on Earth!

The way I see it, avoiding Thanksgiving is a good idea if you’re fucked up. And there’s nothing but good that can come out of it! If you work, then you get paid time and a half. And if you volunteer you get pretty sweet holier-than-thou boner.

Working on Thanksgiving is not THE solution to any of your problems but it’s not a bad one either. For me, I really want to do this because I’d really rather not be locked up in my house dealing with cravings all day. Nah. Everybody’s gonna be drinking and being in early sobriety I’d rather kill myself than be around a bunch of people drinking. If I wanted to do that I’d have gone back to college.

If you’re feeling strong this Thanksgiving, I’m happy for you. I’m sitting this one out and that’s cool too. As long as you’re sober, do whatever the fuck you want.

Two Months Out of Rehab

I completed my intensive outpatient/rehabilitation program two months ago in September. Along with a certificate of completion I also received recognition from the staff for exceptional attendance. I still dream about the friends I made in my rehabilitation program. I wonder how they are and I hope that they are doing well. I met some cool people in detox too but detox was a nightmare.

I did detox on the top floor of a hospital for 5 days. This was a shared inpatient floor. Some people were detoxing from everything from alcohol to heroin to meth. Some people were in there for treatment for psychological breakdowns (I’d been hospitalized for that just two years before). Some people were just old and had nobody to take care of them. It was like an unassisted living home because the floor was so understaffed. That was the neighborhood trichotomy up there on the 7th floor: the elderly, the addicts, and the mentally ill. Of course there was a lot of over lap; some people there were old, mentally ill, and battling addiction. I was there because of my depression and alcoholism. But we separated ourselves accordingly.

I found myself hanging out with a few other guys who were detoxing. I had a lot in common with the people who were in the ward for psychological issues; I’d been to the psych ward for mental illness before so I knew where they were coming from. What really separated the patients was that half of them wanted to be there and wanted to get help and the others either had no clue where they were or they wanted to get out the second they got in.

I wanted to be there. I was a voluntary admission. I knew I needed help. I didn’t really need to detox but I had to be hospitalized in order to get into an intensive outpatient program/rehabilitation clinic. I’ve never had the DT’s. I actually never knew about how bad alcohol withdrawal could be until I was in detox. I was thankful for this. I’m surprised that I’ve never had to deal with the DT’s but I know now that I was headed in that direction. Detox gave me perspective. I got to see how lucky I had been so far because my drinking hadn’t gotten as bad as it could have been. I have a drinking problem. There’s no doubt about that. But as bad as my addiction to alcohol is, the scary part is that it can get much worse.

I hate drinking. It’s been three years since I recognized that I had a problem and I’ve been actively working on it ever since. After three years of trying to deal with this I feel like the hardest part is over for me and now it’s just the second hardest part that I’m dealing with. I feel like the first part with any sort of substance problem is the two-fold process of acknowledging that you have a problem and then acting on it. I knew I had a problem waaaaay before I actively tried to do something about it. College and mentally abusive households are a bad place to try to stop drinking. It’s been a lonely and shitty process. The hard part now though is dealing with that “what now?” feeling.

I’ve developed the habit of not drinking or doing drugs. That doesn’t mean that I don’t get cravings but they’re easier to handle with time. Getting myself under control and establishing a habit of sobriety has been difficult. One of the men that I met in rehab said that “time takes time.” I’m not about quotes or sayings or “-isms” because I think they’re corny and this one is true. Time does take time. That’s the hard part about being addicted to drugs. Drugs are instantly gratifying and nothing else makes you feel as good. That’s just basic brain chemistry. The release of dopamine in your brain from drugs is exponentially greater than anything else. Eating. Sleeping. Sex. Drugs release more dopamine than all of those things. And what’s difficult is that drugs instantly release that insane amount of dopamine. So you end up having to play the long game once you quit drugs and everything else sucks wicked bad for a long time. But the good news is that you do start feeling good. It just takes time. Compared to the instant euphoria of drugs, everything else feels like it takes forever.

It’s been a painfully slow process of stabilizing and my family does not understand. The last conversation that I had with my brother he was asking about when I was going back to school. I don’t feel a lack of support from my family but I do feel a complete lack of understanding. And that sucks. It’s frustrating. I hate being told that everybody only wants what’s best for me…as long as that means I go back to school. This is dumb and hurtful.

Now that I’ve stabilized, I’ve gotten a job working in an office and hopefully I’ll be hired on as a Spanish translator. I’m just a temp now but if I can be hired full time as a translator I’d be very happy. What I’ve learned about myself since coming out of rehab is that I really hate sharing stuff with my family. Particularly my personal successes. I’m happy at my new job and I’m doing translator work, which is something I never thought I’d be doing. First question from my moms: “will you get paid more?”

What. What kind of question is that? Will I get paid more. I wasn’t getting paid to go to college. I was racking up hella debt and kinda hating it. But because I was in college it didn’t matter how I felt. Now that I’ve deferred from school and I’m enjoying my office job? “So when are you going back to school?” I’m lucky to have a family that cares and supports me but at the same time I feel like there’s a lot of conditional middle class horseshit. I get the vibe that if I don’t go to school that they will love me less. If I bring this feeling up, they will deny it and say that they will support me in whatever I do. And then they get mad that I would even bring such a thing up and that I have no right to feel that way.

I’m almost four months sober and I feel very strangely clear headed. Getting back into the world and working has been a real eye opener. There’s something about being a recovering alcoholic that makes everything easier in a weird way. I don’t get hung up on stupid shit. Office drama? Nah. Family drama? Nah. If it isn’t life or death it does not matter. It seems cold when I describe it like this but this has become my greatest self-preservation tactic. If it isn’t life or death or it doesn’t threaten my sobriety then it is not worth getting hung up on. The best part about being sober so far is that I don’t get easily butthurt about stupid stuff anymore. If somebody had just straight up told me that if I quit drinking and doing drugs that I’d be less butthurt about stuff I would have quit a long time ago and it probably would have been easier. I do recognize that this is some dumbass hindsight but for real there is way less butthurtness in my life now then ever before. It’s strangely comforting.

I have found great strength in accepting myself as a recovering alcoholic. I’ve accepted that my reality is very different from most other people’s. Almost 4 months sober, this feeling of being different has become a strength rather than a hindrance. For anybody who’s struggling, I’d just like to say that staying sober is now finally starting to feel rewarding. I used to think that I had nothing to look forward to but I never expecting how awesome it would feel to be almost completely free of the dreaded butthurt. If you feel you’ve got nothing else to look forward to then believe me when I say that the butthurt goes away and its fuggin’ awesome, bro! If nothing else, you do have that to look forward to.

Are Sobriety and AA Mutually Exclusive?

Alcoholics Anonymous is a big commitment. It’s a lifestyle more than anything. Or at least that is what I have gathered thus far. There are a lot of good things about AA. The community, the “fellowship”, the stories, and the people. It’s all about the people. Joe Strummer, lead singer of the band The Clash, said, “Without people you’re nothing.” I agree with that. Everybody I’ve met in AA has been cool. Some people are a little wonky but who isn’t? The local AA community here in New Hampshire has been very warm and welcoming to me. I’m not even from here really but none the less I’ve found the halls to be inclusive and friendly. But today, I’m not feelin’ it.

I’m trying to start over since dropping out of college (again). Third time’s the charm, bro! I take my sobriety very serious. It’s hard not to after the nasty relapse I’ve just gone through. As much as I’d like to be doing the AA thing, I don’t want to half-ass it. From what I understand, it seems like ya kinda gotta be all in. I’m all in on sobriety 100%. But like most others who suffer from addiction, I also am struggling with depression and anxiety disorders. My mental health is BALLS. I’d really like to sort that stuff out with medication and therapy and manage it before I make a big lifestyle commitment to ANYTHING. College, career, and all those things. I don’t want to sound like a toolbox (too late I’m already writing a blog lololol) but I really don’t have a whole bunch of time to get immersed in AA the way that I’d like to. Do I have time to hit up a meager one hour meeting per week? Yes I do. I even got time for two meetings a week! I do really like the meetings but I think I grabbed a sponsor too soon.

One of my worst habits is isolating. This is dangerous. But at the same time, I feel like I need to take a moment to get my head screwed on right rather than just jumping in to anything. I am getting better about reaching out to my friends. That was the whole reason I started this blog with my two best friends from high school. Two weeks in and it’s been the best thing that I’ve done for myself since getting sober. I love my friends and reading the articles they have writen has kept me going. We’re all spread across the country and rarely see each other. I’ve moved around a lot in my life and all of my best friends live someplace else: Seattle, LA, Portland, Toledo, Chicago, NY, Boston, and even New Jersey. I don’t talk to all of the people that I love and grew up with as much as I’d like. I really feel like a jackass because I sound like Drake but really “no new friendz” isn’t what I’m trying to say. Before I get involved in the AA community, I want to get back in touch with the people who have kept me going and stayed with me through the tough times. The people who have always been there for me even when I wasn’t strong enough to reach out. The AA crowd’s cool but I still need to get back in touch with my old friends because the truth is that I’ve been a shitty friend. A wicked shitty friend.

Sobriety and Alcoholics Anonymous are not mutually exclusive. People can stay sober with or without AA just like how people can also fail to stay sober both in AA or out of it. I’m not against AA. I think it’s a good thing and so far I’ve enjoyed my time in AA and it’s been a very good experience. However, I’ve gotta get a job first. I’ve gotta sort out my meds first. And as far as addiction goes, I’m craving weed more than alcohol and I need to find out why.

I have not had any real cravings for alcohol specifically in a long time. I can’t remember wanting to drink at all since I went to detox. But I keep having weed cravings. And AA is not talking about weed. I need to talk about weed.

The “Big Book” is rad….but it doesn’t talk about marijuana. What in the fuck is the deal with the pots? That’s what I’m trying to figure out right now.

I’m willing to admit that I’m in over my head with Alcoholics Anonymous and I do not have the juice to be committed. And I don’t want to feel like a fraud for attending the meetings but not “working the program”. Maybe later, when I don’t feel like a fucking lunatic, sure I’ll work the program. I’ll RIP through those 12 steps. Slam dunk ’em like Serge Ibaka! JUST WIN BABY! In the meanwhile, however, I just want to watch Sunday Night Football, man.

What I’m concerned with is getting judged. I have no real reason to be preemptively worried about this. Literally, nobody’s been a dick and I don’t expect them too. I just do not what this to get awkward when I blue ball my sponsor. You feel me?

Hopefully, everybody in AA remains cool. I expect that they will. Mostly, I’m wondering how everybody else’s experiences in AA have been? Hope your sobriety is going well.

Can alcoholics smoke weed? An Alcoholic Seeks Answers (And Stays Sober)

Is marijuana a good substitute for alcohol? Can alcoholics smoke weed? Is weed safe? Am I just switching one drug for another? Is marijuana addictive? Is marijuana healthy?

I don’t have answers to these questions but I’m looking for them. As a recovering alcoholic who also suffers from depression, anxiety, and ADHD, these questions are all pertinent to marijuana’s medicinal capabilities. I want to get to the bottom of this.

One way to study marijuana is by smoking it. I’m not gonna do that. I’ve smoked enough to be able to speak from my own experience. And I’m not prescribed medical marijuana. I just got out of rehab. I’m really not interested in going back. Or getting arrested because I live in New Hampshire and marijuana is illegal here. Since I do have enough hands on experience with drugs, it’s time to do some reading and hardcore research. I intend on studying marijuana and staying sober.

My sobriety is my number one priority. I really wish I wasn’t an alcoholic but I am. The tricky part is I have no idea how marijuana effects me as an alcoholic. I have self medicated with both alcohol and marijuana in the past. I have not smoked marijuana in over five months and I have not had a drink in over three months. I’m stone cold sober and have zero intention of using drugs. Seems like the perfect time to start doin’ some research! Here we go!

The biggest question I have is this: Is marijuana a safe alternative to alcohol? In a lot of ways, yes it is. I’ve always joked that nobody has ever smoked a blunt and then thought to themselves, “ya know what? I think I’m gonna beat my wife.” Violence is much less common with marijuana than it is with alcohol. I’m just speaking generally and from my own experience with the two substances. When I drink, sometimes I wanna fight people. It just seems like a good idea! But in the past when I’ve smoked weed, I’ve never EVER had any thoughts about hurting others or myself. A lot of the violence that has to do with marijuana comes from our failed war on drugs in America. This has been the precedent for decriminalizing marijuana in several states across the U.S. I think that we’re all sick of packing our jails full of dumb stoners. And even though not everybody smokes it (contrary to what every stoner wants to believe) everybody is real sick of dealers. Dealers suck. Fuck dealers. I don’t care how nice your dealer is, bruh, they’re still a pawn in the grand scheme of a much larger organized crime syndicate. So why don’t we just open up shops and have scientist regulate this shit? Look, I don’t trust the FDA. They’ll tell you that GMO’s don’t fuck your shit up (they do) and that corn is good for you (it isn’t). However, making marijuana illegal has caused way more trouble than it’s worth. I for one just want this shit to be legal so we can end all of these stupid arguments about it once and for all. Let’s let all the nerdy nerds at NIH (National Institution of Health) and the CDC (Center for Disease Control) get us some real facts and figures from a purely scientific perspective. I’m fucking sick of all this witchcraft, man. Sick of it! Does weed really cause depression? Or do people with depression tend towards smoking weed? Some numbers would be nice. Some scientific studies would be DOPE.

Alcohol is legal. When it was illegal in America during Prohibition, things got wicked violent and alcohol consumption increased. People went blind from drinking bathtub gin and prison hooch. Everybody drank moonshine on the reg and shot up each other’s hoods. Prohibition was a gigantic failure. The war on drugs, likewise, is a gigantic failure. There’s a bunch of people smoking this stuff and we don’t know exactly what it does? We know what liquor does. Why don’t we find out what the deal is with marijuana? Doesn’t this constitute as a public health crisis?

There are scientists working this out and cranking away in labs to get us some answers. Or at least, that is what the Internet tells me. While the lab coats are doing their experiments and getting us our much needed and desired stats, I’ll be doing some of my own research. I bought this book “Marijuana: The Unbiased Truth about the World’s Most Popular Weed” by Kevin P. Hill, M.D. According to the back of this book that I now own and intend on reading and reporting on Hill is, “…a leading expert on marijuana [who] sifts through the myths to deliver an unbiased, science-based guide to help you make informed decisions about marijuana.” Sweet! GIMME MY ANSWERS NERD BOY! More to come!

What’s the Deal with Alcoholics Anonymous?


I’ve been to maybe a total of 6 or 7 AA meetings. Not including the one that I was guilted into attending by some pill-head that I met in detox. If you wind up in detox, unless you’ve been before don’t go to the detox AA meeting. You will have a bad day. If you’re in detox, you got some bigger issues to tackle such as making sure your psycho roommate doesn’t touch your shit while you do some laps around the hospital floor to keep yourself from going fucking crazy.

I had never been to AA before and going to my first AA meeting in detox was a horrible idea. Don’t do this to yourself. Give yourself a little bit of time. Don’t give your addiction any excuses that may be triggered by indecent exposure. I’m guilty of this. After my first detox AA meeting I walked out going, “Sweet Jesus. Those people are FUCKED. Maybe I don’t even have a problem…” No. Rich Homie Ted (that’s me) does have a problem. And the biggest problem is the pathological denial.

The first problem that I saw when I started thinking about going to AA meetings was that I knew that I would automatically compare myself to other self-identified alcoholics.

It’s taken me forever to realize that I’m playing with a very different deck than the majority of the population. I’m mentally ill. And I’m an alcoholic/addict. It’s really as simple as that. As much as I’d love to over-complicate the whole thing and pretend to be “normal” I know that this is dangerous. Trying to pretend that I’m something that I’m not is exactly how I got here. But in this newfound honesty with myself, I’ve found strength and self-empowerment. Sounds like corny bullshit. It’s not. I used to think this was stupid but I realized the truth was that I was being stupid. And what I’ve learned is that it’s ok to be skeptical. But there is nothing that is more dangerous and mindless than cynicism. If you don’t think there’s a difference between cynicism and skepticism? You’re reading the right article. There is no way that at any point in your life that you’ve been a bigger dickhead than me. So at least you got that going for ya! Let’s jump right in, son.


Last night I went to my weekly go-to Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Tuesday nights in a church down town in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. The only reason that I’m plugging this info on the internets is because I would hope that if you are a young alcoholic like myself and you live near me or you’re just in my hood and you’re looking for a meeting then this is a good meeting and you should go.

I missed the 3-meetings that I frequent in Dover, Portsmouth, and Manchester, NH. I’ve been fighting off migraines and eating too much candy has turned me into a gingerbread-man. The only reason that I missed these meetings was because I felt like ass and did not want to be ralphing all over my fellow alcoholic homies. HOWEVER, one thing that I’m not tooo tooooo down with is that when I tell my new AA amigos that I’ve been just not feelin’ too great and had to chill out, these bros seem to immediately give Rich Homie Ted the side-eye and kinda give me the, “uh-huh…right.” I might just be paranoid and over sensitive (I have been guilty of this in the past–comes with the territory) but I still don’t fucking like it. As my brother once said to our varsity high school baseball coach when interrogated harshly about whether or not he had tagged up on a pop fly: “I literally have nothing to gain from lying to you.” This is an amazing line. And it’s all that I’ve got to say when someone is raising both eyebrows at me. I literally have nothing to gain from lying to these people that I’ve only just met in my short time going to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I’m going to chalk it up to 1. my own over-sensitivity and 2. addicts are addicts. Everybody’s lied and been lied to but nobody has ever made a career of it quite like and addict or an alcoholic. This is what I love about being in the recovery community and going to AA. You can’t bullshit and addict. Some people have heard every one in the proverbial book. But that proverbial book was written by addicts and alcoholics. This is partially why we shouldn’t throw addicts in jail but rather rehabilitate them. Law enforcement, the FBI and the CIA would greatly benefit from rehabilitating addicts and making use of these people’s near super-natural skill at problem solving. If nothing else, addicts and alcoholics are wicked good at telling when someone is lying. But the one problem with this is that addicts and alcoholics just assume that everybody is full of shit. I know this for a fact because that’s kinda how I am! I don’t fucking trust anybody. So why should anybody trust me? The recovery catch-22…oh how shitty it is.

Anywhom, it was great to be back into a recovery focused environment. Some of the dudes I’d met when they saw me back didn’t think they’d see me again. Look, anonymous alcoholics, I get it. Homies miss one meeting and then next thing ya know they’re dead. I appreciate the concern and that it all comes from a place of love, but I’m not that guy. Everybody is different and everybody’s addiction is different because individual brain chemistry is unique. I’m not the kind of dude who taps out for a week and winds up dead. That’s one of the only shitty parts about coming clean: nobody just gives you the benefit of the doubt. When I was lying and drinking and using and abusing, everybody gave me the Drake treatment! Oh, he’s just doin’ him! He’ll be ok! Look and him dance! Cool jacket, bro. But the second I came clean and raised my hand and said I was an alcoholic and needed help? OH FUCK! HE’S A MONSTER HE CAN’T BE TRUSTED!!!! THE BOY NEEDS JESUS!! No, fuck you. I’m three months sober. I’ve got a license to ill. This is what happens in early recovery. The benefit of the doubt all of the sudden becomes nearly impossible to get from other people. Alcoholics and non-alcoholics alike. No good deed goes unpunished and that’s people would rather be lied to that told the truth. I don’t know why but for whatever reason people seem to buy lies whole sale but the truth? It’s almost as if nobody wants to ever hear the truth.

The upside of this is that I know what the truth is because I’m being honest with myself. Even if some of the AA dudes were kinda skeptical of me not coming to meetings (only been there for a month, guys, chill the fuck out) it was good to be back and it really did make me feel good.


I’m a raging alcoholic. I’ve finally come to terms with this because I’m sick of my drinking controlling my life. It’s really not living. The last 22 years of my life? I wouldn’t not really call that “living”. I’d call it just barely hanging on and keeping it together. Denial has not worked. Putting my alcohol addiction on the back burner has not worked. I need to always be thinking about it or else I lose control.

I’ve never felt like I’ve been able to easily relate to other people. I’m an extrovert and kinda shameless. But I’ve always felt like an alien. Since I was very young–this is probably from depression and anxiety issues–I noticed that I didn’t have a whole lot in common with others my own age. I loved talking to people but I didn’t have a lot in common with anybody. It sounds douchey but my hierarchy of values has always been a little different from that of everybody else. Even my family. I can’t explain it a whole lot better than there is some shit that I care about deeply and then everything else I find it difficult to care at all. I either can or can’t do something. If I care about it, I know I can do it. If I don’t give a shit, it’s not getting done. I’m not lazy. I never have been. Call me a coward all day, but don’t call me lazy. If something isn’t life or death, it does not matter to me. It does not register. My radar does not pick it up. But this kind of difference is something that I’ve found in common amongst myself and the people I’ve met in AA. I’ve only been at it for just over three months now but it’s become clear to me that the only people who I can relate to are other addicts and alcoholics in recovery. I can relate to the friends that I’ve grown up with who have known me all my life. They love me and I love them and we’ve grown up together. But I literally just meet people in AA and instantly feel like I connect with them. It’s like Harry Potter finally figuring out that he wasn’t just some nerdy nerd, but actually a CRAZY POWERFUL WIZARD! Am I comparing my experience thus far in AA to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? Yes. And that makes my sponsor Dumbledore. I’m sure that if he reads this he’ll be happy to hear that. YOU’RE A WIZARD HARRY! And Ted, nah, you’re not a wizard, yer just a dumb alcoholic. I may not be a wizard but I used to drink so much I definitely felt like I had special powers! Now, I’m just a sobered up muggle. At least Voldemort isn’t coming for my nuts. Fuck that.

So it’s been awesome to get involved in the sober community. I’ve met a bunch of great people and I’m finally fucking making friends. You have no idea how proud my mom is, man. People in recovery are great people and if nothing else, when I feel like I’ve got no other reason to stay sober, I find that my will to stay in recovery with these people is strong. Also, getting chips REALLY activates my latent Irish-Catholic boner. Oh my god. Physical trinkets? Clapping? GOOD BOY POINTS!? It gives me an epic god-gasm. There’s a lot of good stuff that just kinda comes with staying sober and staying in recovery. The people, the helpfulness, the community, the CHIPS BABY!! GET DEM CHIPS! And it’s nice to have something to do.


Now, for all of the good stuff that I’ve highlighted above, there is some stuff that I’m still trying to figure out about this Alcoholics Anonymous program.

At first, I thought this shit was a cult. It’s not a cult, grow up. If you think that Alcoholics Anonymous is a cult, you’ve got bigger issues that drugs and alcohol, brother. Is there some god shit? Yes. This program was invented by white American dudes in the 1930’s during some of the worst times of the Great Depression. There’s gonna be some god shit. But how about instead of bitching about AA being a cult you get on the American justice system’s dick for making people swear on The Bible? AA doesn’t recruit. AA doesn’t convert. And guess what? AA has no specific affiliations with any single church, religion, or other organization. If you’re like me and a cynical fuckface then take it from me and trust me when I tell you that it is about as much of a cult as your high school’s marching band was. It’s not a cult. There’s some weirdos for sure. But it’s not a cult. Get over yourself.

As far as organizations go, AA is pretty innocent. There are stories of people being harassed but I personally think that college is way more fucking dangerous and sinister than AA. AA doesn’t have promote rape culture unlike American institutions of higher learning. However, these days? If you’re my age (22-years-old) and you go out for the night and you tell your family that you were at a frat party? Nobody bats a fucking eye. You could literally drink and rape your way through the night and everybody will give you a “boys will be boys” pass for absolutely no good reason. But tell your parents that you’re off to AA? Oh my god. Everybody goes ape shit. Especially if your family HATES GOD!

Being from “progressive” liberal family blows. It’s cool to be gay. It’s not rad to be a dumb alcoholic. That’s not horrible though. I’d really rather not be from a family of racist, homophobic white trash but good lord. Don’t tell nobody that your ass believes in god. Or Vishnu. Or Allah. Or Jewish god. Your ass will get judged. And for whatever reason, AA’s got some kind of wicked fucked up stigma. AA gets the stigma that college should get. The cult-ishness accusations? The “those are bad people” bullshit. All of that. I honestly think that everything bad that I’ve heard about AA is 90% applicable to college and college culture.

But you wanna know where AA differs from college? People actually read the fucking books in AA. People in recovery not only read the books, but they also discuss them intelligently and can give some very insightful thoughts on the topic. College kids? IS THIS GONNA BE ON THE TEST???? Fuck you. Have fun getting your stomach pumped after your shitty D3 football team gets creamed by State. If you ask “will this be on the test?” then fuck you with a rusty shovel. People who ask that–especially in college–can eat a bag of dicks.

The one thing that I’m struggling with in AA really is the commitment to the whole thing. I can commit to sobriety. Even if I “don’t want to” I’m committed and I’m doing this. But AA is a lifestyle. Or at least that’s how it seems to me. And that makes sense. I was in a relationship with drugs and specifically alcohol. My life revolved around drinking. It was an obsession. It pervaded every single aspect of my life from the first drink. It makes sense that the AA program is designed to fill that void.

There was in my psyche when I quit drinking and doing drugs. Sobriety isn’t the rigid dictatorship that full blown alcohol and drug addiction is. Alcoholism is an emotionally fascist regime. There is no freedom and one thing that I’ve struggled with is the slavery of freedom. Foucault came up with this concept of the “slavery of freedom” and what that is is when you have a bunch of different choices it’s wicked hard to choose something. For example, you have two choices: chocolate or vanilla. How fast do you pick one or just say fuck it and decide to get nothing? But you give me a bajillion different flavors of fuggin’ ice cream?? I will stand there in the ice cream aisle like a wonked out lunatic on Thorazine and I will be a slave to my choices. See? In sobriety, I keep asking myself, “ok, so what now?” It’s like Iraq after they ripped down the statue of Saddam. It makes for a good Vine, but it’s not going very well otherwise.

Drinking wasn’t a choice for me. Yeah I drank. I chose the first drink. I was a 17-year-old American dudebro who just wanted to party. And then something in my brain exploded like a Tijuana firecracker. I thought alcohol was the answer to all of my problems. School. Girlfriend. Family. Depression. Anxiety. Friends. Co-workers. FUCKING  SPORTS. Everything. I thought that my inability to handle the shittiness of life would be solved by drinking. A lot of drinking. And if something wasn’t working? I wasn’t drinking enough. You know how it goes. This is all a cliche. This is addiction 101. And it ended the same for me as it does for everybody else. I fucked up my whole life. I hit rock bottom. I hit rock bottom fuckin’ twice, dog. That’s one thing nobody tells you. There isn’t just ONE rock bottom. You can go lower. You can go way lower. And as bad as ending up 6-feet-deep is? As Tupac said, the greatest tragedy in life isn’t death; it’s what dies inside while you’re still alive.

AA offers a replacement to the void in one’s life once drugs and alcohol are taken off the menu. My question right now is whether or not I want this new lifestyle. Is this AA program the only way to stay sober? No it’s not and AA doesn’t pretend like it is no matter what anybody tells you. But that’s what I’m trying to find out. I want to know if AA is the right fit for me because my way has not been working. I’m open to it and it is a good way to keep my cynicism in check. If nothing else, I do truly believe that one of the best ways to find out who you really are is by taking yourself out of your comfort zone and seeing what’s going on elsewhere. Nobody can make me do anything I don’t want to. So why not give AA a try? There’s no harm in trying and whether or not AA turns out to be a good fit for me, at the very least I’m trying and no matter what I’m staying sober.

I got my 3-month chip last night and it felt good to be back in a meeting after being sick and missing some meetings last week. A cool bonus was that I got to keep my 2-month chip! I thought that you had to turn your chips in to get an upgrade but as it turns out you get to keep your snazzy chip collection! That’s kinda rad.

I’m gonna get to the bottom of this thing and report my findings because I think it’s important. I’m asking questions because I know there’s other people out there who suffer from the same shit as me who are also asking the same sort of questions. I’m readin’ the book, I’m rackin’ up chips, and I’m gonna start workin’ the steps with a sponsor. If you got questions feel free to hit me up. I hope I can give you some answers!

The Dutch National Soccer Team Made Me Do Terrible Things

Yesterday I started my annual candy-cleanse diet. It wasn’t horrible! Getting started is the worst. Being healthy is a hard habit to just jump into. Even when you’ve done it before. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure back in the summer of 2012 and for the last 3 years I’ve been trying to get my physical health under control.

I thought that I was bulletproof until my doctor told me if I didn’t get my shit together, I was could bank on having a stroke sometime in the future. My doctor didn’t even give me a chance to crap myself before he started recommending high blood pressure medications. Getting told that I was gunning for a stroke at 18-years-old was terrifying, but it was a billion times scarier to told I was going to need to take high blood pressure (hypertension) medication. Whoa.

I was home for the summer after my first year of college. It was the 2012 Euro Cup and my favorite team THE DUTCH were imploding. I was on an uncontrollable drinking bender. I’m ashamed that the morning that I drove to the doctor’s office for my yearly physical check-up I was inebriated. I used to drive drunk a lot and it’s only now that I realize how ashamed of myself I should be. I was a monster. I was the kind of arrogant teenager that blamed Robin Van Persie choking in the Euro Cup for all of my wretched behavior. That summer, I blamed Bert van Marwijk for making me drink so much. I remember (sorta/not really) riding the couch and screaming at the television while I watched the Dutch National Soccer Team that I loved more than anything in the world eat shit. They should have won the whole thing. They lost three straight games and I cried. I cried a lot.

The Oranje got creamed in the Euro 2012 Group of Death. The last thing that I remember clearly was seeing Arjen Robben take of his jersey in frustration and jump over the field partition when he was subbed out and Rafael van der Vaart came in to unfuck the situation. Spoiler Alert. He didn’t unfuck the situation. On June 17th, 2012, the Dutch were eliminated from the Euro Cup. They lost 2-1 to Portugal. The only other team in the 2012 UEFA Euro Cup who sucked that badly was Ireland. Even Greece did better than The Dutch. This broke my heart. And alcohol was how I dealt with it.

After the final loss to Portugal, I remember getting the spins, pounding this crazy-ass, home-made sangria that was made with gin, and crying all night. I cried myself to sleep every night after the Dutch lost. Was this irrational? Yes. But that’s sports. I cry over the stupidest stuff. Sometimes it seems like the only thing that makes me cry. As long as I can deal with this kind of emotional devastation in a healthy and positive way, I think that it’s good to let it out and cry. Even if it is over something as stupid as sports. But that summer, my drinking was out of control. I did not handle anything well. Good or bad.

By that point, the summer after my first year of college, my chronic alcohol abuse had caught up with me in the form of hypertension (high blood pressure). Even though I had recognized earlier spring that drinking was fucking up my life, there was nothing that I could do about it. I couldn’t stop. The worst part was the denial. Anything bad that happened? I never blamed alcohol or my problem drinking. I blamed myself. But while I did blame myself, I didn’t blame my drinking. I think that’s a big part of the guilt and the shame. “It’s ME but it’s NOT my drinking!” It’s very confusing. I was guilty of putting the blame for all of my problems on other people. But when I sat down and really thought about it, everything was my fault. But it would be a long time before I understood that this was 100% textbook alcoholism. I couldn’t blame alcohol. I thought I had control, which meant that the problems all came from my not being able to “man up” and handle my problems. Even though all of my problems were caused and/or worsened by my drinking, it took me forever to admit to myself that alcohol had taken over my life. I couldn’t give it up. Even though it was the problem, I couldn’t put 2 and 2 together. I was medicating with alcohol and was blind to all of the ways in which it was killing me and making my life all but completely unlivable.

When I was diagnosed with hypertension I was scared. I couldn’t believe it. I thought I was THE FUGGIN MAN! Nothing could kill me, baby! It was all a delusion. My drinking had caught up with me after only one year of drinking. I think that I had at least 4 drinks a day on average every day for a full year. I drank every day for the better part of 18-months. Being in college, I thought that this was what people did. This was AMERICA–if you ain’t drinkin’ then you ain’t tryin’! If that’s true, I was definitely doin’ too much. And I knew it. But I was in denial. I didn’t want to admit it. I couldn’t stop drinking because I was afraid. I was terrified of what would happen if I stopped. In the kind of fucked up way that most things happen when it comes to alcoholism and addiction, I needed this diagnosis and there was a part of me deep down that felt some very comforting belief. When the doctor told me I needed to go get blood work done because he was VERY concerned, a small voice somewhere in the back of my brain sighed with relief and whispered, “…finally…”

Outwardly, I was pissed. I tried to make a joke out of it to get over my fear and mask my terror. I never admitted to anyone and I never really admitted it to myself either but I was relieved. I finally had a reason to quit drinking and that was something that I had been dying for for so long. I couldn’t stop on my own. I needed to at least get a whiff of rock bottom. I was subconsciously cruising for rock bottom and being diagnosed with high blood pressure was good enough for me. For a while at least.

I went and got blood work done and luckily it came back fine. I refused the doctor’s recommendation to go on high blood pressure medication. I was 18 fucking years old, I was not about to go on medication for high blood pressure medications. I told him that there was probably a couple lifestyle changes that I could make that would maaaaybe help with my high blood pressure. Y’know, maybe just a few little things here and there: not drinking every day, not day drinking, not drinking hard liquor to go to bed, no more chain smoking Black and Milds, and maybe gettin’ some cardio in or sumthin’. Y’know, the basics!

I did want to get my shit under control but I need to hear that I was destroying myself. I needed this to turn into life or death before I was ready to get a grip. I’ve always been a black or white thinker when it comes to myself. Everything is life or death. I want to change that, but first things first, I gotta get my drinking under control.

I left the doctors office a little more woke than I had been when I sauntered in still buzzed from the night before. But like so many alcoholics be for me, I walked out of the doctor’s office highly motivated and ready to make a change! …..and then I got home and went on the worst bender I’d been on in months.

That summer was a booze-fueled train wreck. I tried to pull up the emergency break, only to go completely off the rails. That summer, I blamed the Dutch. I remember crying my eyes out after it was all over and they lost their last game to Portugal and were eliminated. I remember just sitting up late–just me, my high blood pressure, and my Tanqueray sangria–and crying about how that was our last chance. MY BOYS! MY BOYS WILL NEVER WIN AGAIN! THAT WAS IT! IT’S ALL OVER! WE LOST! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?? VAN DER VAART! WESLEY SNEIJDER! ROBIN VAN PERSIE (fuck you, van Persie!) ARJEN??? ARJEN!! WHAT HAPPENED AT YOU?? DIRK KUYT! YOU TRIED SO FUCKING HARD, DIRK! (*sobs) MARK VAN BOMMEL! YOU FUCKING GOON! WHY MARK??? WHY???? I could not believe it. I just kept weeping and I watched YouTube videos of the 2006 World Cup game known as “The Battle of Nuremberg” where the Dutch also had lost to Portugal just six years before. THEY ALL LOOKED SO YOUNG!! VAN PERSIE’S HAIR WASN’T GREY YET!! I mourned like all of these guys had just been executed on live TV. It hit me hard. I’d waited all year to see them win. I thought they’d win. That was our chance. I never expected to see them again. But they did come back. And so did I. This was just another excuse that I made to drink. I turned a fucking soccer match into an Irish wake. Jesus, kid.

That wasn’t the end of anything. It wasn’t the end of my drinking or the Dutch. But somehow, the sun came up the next morning. And life went on. With my boys’ Euro Cup over, I had nothing left to lose. I drank it off (for weeks) and finally got over it.

The Dutch National Soccer Team made me do terrible things because I’m a psycho and that’s how alcoholism works. That EPIC choke-job was not a goodass reason to drink. But I turned it into a goodass reason. At that low point, 3-years ago, I figured that since it was all over, it was time to get a grip. I needed this loss, man. I along with the high blood pressure diagnosis and the scared straight job my doctor hit me with. Now, this is the stupidest story ever but this is important shit. I’m reflecting on this because I’m on day two trying to get back into shape after my last relapse. I kinda don’t want to. But I gotta fight inertia because otherwise, I’ll be cruising for a stroke. Or worse, another relapse.

All things considered? Sometimes ya gotta put it in perspective and remember why you’re doing stupidass shit like dicking around with a scale and eatin’ yer vegetables. Here’s day two! JUST WIN, BABY!


I’m coming up on 100-days of sobriety. This isn’t the first time that I’m made it just over three months without drinking. But this is where I usually fuck up. Badly. Just like Napoleon. I get on a glorious 100-day RAMPAGE and then I end up eating shit and relapsing.

I used to think that it was out of nowhere but then I realized that it’s always been the 3-month mark where I struggle the most in sobriety. 5-months is the longest that I’ve ever been sober in my entire adult life (I’m 22–last time I was THIS sober, I was 16-years old…yikes).

What fucks me up the worst is that it’s been difficult to function on any level apart from constantly miserable in sobriety. There aren’t these FUCKING EPIC highs and lows like when my drinking was out of control. Sobriety has always felt (in the shittiest way) not “boring” but just empty. I feel like I’ve lost a huge part of myself and my personality since I quit drinking. I know that that’s bullshit and that’s just one of the emotional mechanisms of Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms but JESUS the constant drone of low mood is ass. The only upside sometimes is that I find myself in situations where I’m like, “whoa glad I’m not drankin’ today…that’d be bad…” And that’s as far as the good feelings go in early sobriety. Just being happy that I’m not trashed all the time. And it is actually nice not to feel like death. But emotionally? I feel like a sober robot. Sober-bot: the saddest amigo in the galaxy!

But I’m working on it. I fucking hate waiting and I hate how slowly progress goes in recovery but I heard a guy in rehab say that time takes time. It sounds like something your redass high school JV basketball coach would tell you during conditioning week, but it’s true. Time does take time. And I’ve finally passed the half-way marker to setting my record. THIS IS THE WORST VIDEO GAME EVER! Yes. Yes it is, Sober-bot. But you better get used to it because it’s all your as is ever going to be allowed to play again in the arcade of life. Why not get the high score? I’m more than half way there. If I can beat Napoleon’s 100-day record and not get my ass sent back to some rock in the middle of the Atlantic to go dry out? Oh baby. I might actually feel kinda good.

Hungover this Morning? Happy ALL SAINTS DAY!

Last night was Halloween: the greatest holiday there is! I hope everybody had a great night. I know I did! My goal was to stay sober on Halloween and I did it. No easy task. But I did it. It was one of those “whatever it fucking takes” nights. I ate an unhealthy amount of candy and chain smoked all night long. I chugged a gallon of V8 juice just so I had some vitamins and nutrients in my system other than sugar and artificial flavoring.

All joking aside, yes, I do want to quit smoking because it’s bad for me. And I also want to get back to eating right and exercising because all of this candy is making me feel like I’m made out of marshmallows. I’m turning into a marshmallow man and I hate it. I need to stop this madness. I USED TO BE A TEEN HEART-THROB GODDAMMIT. It’s time to start actin’ like one again.

Today, I’ve woken up in pile of candy wrappers with chocolate all over my greedy little cheeks just like a grownass man version of Augustus Gloop. JA WOHL! Das ist gut! ICH BIN DER KOENIG! We’ve been given a gift, people. We’ve woken up the day after Halloween and it is SUNDAY! That means today is all about FOOTBAW and candy. I’m giving myself a pass today because I stayed sober last night. Rewarding yourself is important in recovery. So today, I’m celebrating All Saints Day with all of the candy, cigarettes, black coffee and FOOTBAW that I want. If you stayed sober last night, congratulations. You should feel good about yourself and feel proud. It is a big deal. And you don’t feel great about yourself even though you stayed sober, fuck that, I’m proud for you. We’re all in it together.

Today, everybody should celebrate All Saints Day and honor the passing of another amazing Halloween by eating way too much candy, enjoying your sugar rush, having a EPIC FUCKING NAP when you inevitably crash, and then wake up and do it all over again. This only happens once a year and the day after Halloween is awesome because even though it’s sad that it’s over, we got some candy to make us all feel a little better.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna start my annual November diet and dedicate the month to austerity, health, beauty, and wellness. It will feel good. But today is not that day. Today I’m having a three-some with Mr. Reese and Baby Ruth. Tobacco counts as a vegetable today. We’re gonna chill out way too hard and watch football. You should do the same. Happy All Saints Day!